Page 84 of I Can't Even

“Paisley, is that you?” I asked, stupidly, as if she could possibly be anyone else.

She turned to look at me and gave a little start. I imagined I had the Medusa of bedhead going.

“Good morning, Julia,” Paisley said. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“No.” I watched her jot something down on a pad. “The cats took care of that.”

“You have cats?” Paisley’s tone was disapproving. “Since when? Aunt Babs was allergic.”

“Yeah, well, she’s gone now.” I wondered briefly if Babs was going to haunt me for sounding so callous. “So, we have cats.”

“They had better not spray anything,” my cousin said.

“Um, what do you care if they do? And not to be rude, but why are you in my house?”

“I’m measuring the windows for my new curtains,” Paisley said.

“Your what?” I snapped.

“Cur-tains,” Paisley spoke slowly as if I was too stupid to grasp the English language.

My temper began to heat, but I forced myself to keep it cool. In a voice much calmer than I felt, I asked, “Again, why are you doing that?”

“Well, because the house is about to become mine.” Paisley tossed her hair and gave me a victorious look. “Since Em never came home last night, that violates the terms of the will, thus the house and the money are all mine.”

We stared at each other. She embodied the beauty queen in the pageant, all false humility and fake boobs, while I appeared like the help, the unshowered help.

Em didn’t come home last night? A cold feeling started at the crown of my head and worked its way down my skin until I was chilled from the outside in. Mr. Loren, our attorney, had said that there were two terms to the will that were unbreakable. One was that the three of us came home very night and two was that Babs’s urn stayed in the picture window so long as we owned the house. I got the feeling from Paisley’s smug smile that she had somehow been tracking us. If so, Em not being here meant Paisley could swoop in and take everything. Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

I tossed my hair back and licked my lips. I was striving for casual when really my heart had stopped, my hands were sweating, and my mouth was completely dry.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said. “Em is upstairs.”

“Really?” Paisley asked. “Go get her for me. I’d love to see her.”

I scoffed. “I’m not waking her up for you.”

Paisley stared at me and then took out her phone. She tapped the display before holding it to her ear. “Yes, Mr. Loren—Howard—it’s Paisley. Could you swing by the Blumer house at your earliest convenience? Yes, it’s important. Yes, right now. And bring a pen. I think you’re going to have to make some changes to the ownership of the estate.”

My cousin hung up without waiting for him to reply. My heart was beating so hard in my chest I thought I might pass out. I decided to bluff.

I shook my head. “You are going to look so ridiculous when Em comes down those stairs. Make yourself at home. I’ll be right back.”

I turned and walked up the stairs, forcing myself not to run. As soon as I hit the hallway, I sprinted and ran into Em’s room. Sure enough, it was as neat as always and she wasn’t there. Damn it!

Panic set in and I was pretty sure I was going to hyperventilate. Paisley wanted to see Em, and I couldn’t produce her. Paisley had already speed-dialed Mr. Loren and if he got here before I could find Em, we were so screwed. The terms of the will were very clear that Babs’s wishes were to be met or Paisley would inherit everything. Oh, hell no!

I grabbed my phone and thumbed through my apps. I opened the one I had installed on both of my sisters’ phones after Em’s drunken debacle at Duff’s. So long as their phones were on, I could track them. I opened the app and watched the bubble that was Em pop up on my phone. Yes! She was five minutes away, in fact, it looked like she was on the beach. This sitch might be fixable after all.

I called her. She didn’t answer. I texted. Still, nothing. Short of installing something on her phone that emitted electric shocks when she didn’t answer, I didn’t know how to get her to notice that I was frantically trying to reach her. Ugh. The warm fuzzies I’d been feeling for my sisters evaporated like the morning marine layer mist under a hot sun. How could she be this irresponsible? Paisley was just looking for us to screw up.

Since Em wasn’t there, I took a moment to toss her room, making it look like she’d slept in her bed but hadn’t made it. Then I dashed to the bathroom, opened the window, and cranked on the shower, locking the door behind me. Next, I dashed down the hall and shook Soph awake.

“We have a situation,” I said.

“Huh?” Soph’s eyes were puffy, and she looked hollow as if someone had scooped out her insides, or more accurately, as if her prick of husband had cut out her still beating heart.

“Em never came home last night,” I said. “Somehow Paisley knows this and she’s here demanding to see her while she measures our windows for her new curtains.”

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