Page 90 of I Can't Even

“Girlfriend?” Liam asked.

“Actually, I’ve recently been upgraded to fiancé,” Jessie said. She held up her left hand so we could all admire her sparkler.

“Excellent choice,” I whispered to Dante.

He, the king of cool, actually blushed. “She’s worth it.”

“So, this.” Liam gestured to the pretty pink dress Jess was wearing. “This is really you. You’re a chick for real. You’re not fucking with me.”

“No, I’m not,” Jessie said. She shook her head at him. “I went all in on the gender reassignment, and I have to say I turned out fabulous.”

“That’s my girl,” Dante cheered.

“Holy shit,” Liam said. He clapped a hand to his forehead as if he was trying to hold the idea in his head. “How did you know? When did you know?”

Jessie stared up at the ceiling. “Well, I had my first wet dream, in which you had a featured role by the way, when I was fourteen. At first I thought I was gay but I soon realized I didn’t feel the way a man feels about another man, I felt the way a woman feels about her man. That was when I began to realize that my exterior didn’t match my interior, if you get my drift.”

“Oh.” Liam said. A red blush crept up his face that was pretty freaking cute now that he’d stopped yelling and all. No one moved. No one spoke. The ticking of the clock on the wall seemed inordinately loud as we all stood there, watching him process.

“Wait for it,” Dante muttered to me.

“So, you had feelings for me?” Liam asked. He looked like he was trying to get comfortable with the thought.

“Not just feelings,” Jessie said. “I was deeply, desperately, in love with you.”

I didn’t think it was possible, but Liam’s face got even redder. His gaze shot to me before he turned back to Jess. “So, it’s true, you and Jules never...”

“No, urgh, gross,” Jessie gagged.

“Um, thanks?” I said.

Dante snickered.

“Wait!” Liam threw his hands up in a stop gesture. He stared at me wanting to understand. “Did you know about this? Did you know when you left with him...er...her?”

“No, not until we reached Oklahoma,” I said. Jessie and I exchanged a look. That had been the defining moment in our friendship.

“But you two left town together. You were a couple,” Liam insisted.

“No, we were just two young people escaping some very tough situations,” Jessie said.

Liam looked at Jessie then at me. His brow furrowed and he opened his mouth to say something but closed it. He turned away from us. He turned back. He was so clearly a man wrestling with the knowledge that everything he had ever believed to be true was wrong that I longed to close the distance between us and hug him. I resisted. He had to come to grips with this on his own. Finally, he stopped spinning and glared at Jessie.

“But you were my best friend!” Liam shouted.

“And now we’re there,” Dante muttered again just to me.

“And you were mine,” Jessie said. “You can imagine how difficult it was for me to realize I was as in love with you as you were with Jules. When you told me you were going to ask her to marry you, I broke. I just couldn’t face the fact that you and I would never be together in the way I’d hoped even though I knew it was impossible. I mean, I loved you and I loved Jules, and I loved you two together, but I...”

The pain on Jessie’s face was as raw as it had been the first time she’d told me all of this somewhere in the middle of Oklahoma. I didn’t fault him then and I couldn’t fault her now.

“If it makes any difference, when we arrived in New York I tried to look out for Jules for you,” Jessie said.

My throat grew thick. I had always suspected Jessie was keeping watch over me, now I knew it to be true, and why.

“It doesn’t,” Liam gritted out between clenched teeth. He turned away while flexing his fist, looking like he wanted to plant it in the wall. He took a deep breath and tossed over his shoulder, “Okay, maybe it helps a little.”

When he turned back and glanced at his friend, the hurt in his brown eyes was like a bruise. “You could have told me, Jessie. I would have stood by you. I loved you like a brother. You could have told me anything.”

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