Page 189 of Fearless

I think Kai worries that I still have feelings for Paedyn, that I push her away in consideration of him. Let him think what he must. But anything I felt for Paedyn Gray died when my father did. When she betrayed me like I believed she never would.

I want her gone. I can feel Kai slipping away from me by the day. He will choose her—I know he will. And I will not lose my brother.

I found my mother’s jewelry box.

It was the first time I went into her chamber. For years, I wondered what was behind that door. Now I know that it is only memory. The room is dusty, forgotten, stagnant. There were hardly any remnants of the woman I would have called “Mother”—only that wooden box of her most prized possessions.

But it was the notes I found inside that were most intriguing. And then they were worrying. It took me several minutes to recognize whose handwriting decorated them. The anger followed quickly after.

If Calum was intimate with my mother, I have no way of knowing if I am the rightful heir. That knowledge belongs to the Mind Reader alone. Even the mere possibility of him being my father makes him a liability. He may have to be dealt with.

Paedyn,

In truth, you’re not an easy individual to hate. I wouldn’t even say my feelings toward you are so strong. They are, rather, indifferent. There was once a time when Paedyn Gray had both the princes wrapped around her finger, but that was before she betrayed me and killed my father. I don’t take it personally, really. Not anymore. In fact, you freed me from the man who was only ever holding me back.

I found something else to chase, obsess over, as I often do. And you are helping me. For that, I am thankful. But please do not take offense to the inevitable demise I will let you meet. This legacy, this life, was only ever meant for my brother and me to share. And I will not share him with you.

When the time comes, I will ensure the kingdom mourns you. You have my word. I don’t wish to be your monster, Paedyn. Part of me still cares for you. But I only know how to love my brother.

I steal moments with Kai whenever I am able. He keeps me stable. I feel like myself when I am with him, even as the Plague begins eating away at my sanity.

I only wish to return things to the way they were—before her. His feelings for my betrothed are not ideal, but he will come to see her as the threat she is to us.

I just want my brother back. I want greatness.

Is that too much to ask for?

The Plague has made me weak, dulled my mind. Anger is an emotion that now belongs to the Plague. I feel it wash over me like a wave I cannot control. Kai soothes that fraying part of myself. But Paedyn unleashes it.

It feels good, getting drunk with my brother again. Paedyn is there. Paedyn is always there. But it is bearable when Kai is around. I can be myself, be with him. The Plague allows me that.

I enjoy the time with my brother. And deep down, I enjoy the little time I have left with Paedyn.

They set sail for Izram today.

I may never see my brother again. Doesn’t he realize this is all for him? For us? He was never meant to sail over the treacherous waters. But he is in love with her.He will do anything for her because he loves her more than he loves me.I just need him to come home.

Sending Paedyn to Izram was partially with the hope that she wouldn’t return. I discreetly informed the captain that dumping her from the ship was an option, if his men so desired. But with Kai on board, he will ensure that Paedyn makes it home in one piece—or neither of them will.

Though, the true purpose of her journey is to gift Izram a crate of laced roses. They will be the first to endure the Plague, but in time, they will thank me for it.

If the sea allows Paedyn to meet Queen Zailah, her Trial still stands. I need her to convince the stubborn woman to accept our peace offering. And I need Kai to come home. I don’t know what I will be when he returns.

The royal physicians are worried. My mind is drifting. My body is weak. But I am going to live.I cannot die before I am better than him.I am going to live.

Unlike my father, I do not need Calum to help carry out my plans. Fear festers when I am around him, all rooted in my unknown legitimacy. I should simply dispose of him. It is as though paranoia has planted a seed in my mind that grows by the day.

I don’t feel right.

My mind is slipping, and it is not just the Plague at fault.I have piled so much pressure on my shoulders that—No, Father has done this to me. It is because of him that I am this way. Obsessive. Controlling. In constant need of approval. My mind is not my own—maybe it never was.

I don’t want to be a monster. I don’t want Kai to see me as one.

My ship arrived at the dock in shambles. It’s a miracle they survived the sea and its creatures. But my gift was accepted. My brother is back. And what is left of me is here to greet him.

I am coughing up blood now. Another fun side effect of the Plague. I’ve lost weight rapidly, and I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night.

Kai is worried about me. He knows I am not myself.

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