Page 46 of Fearless

I squeeze her hand. “He loves you. I know he does.”

“In his own way, yes. He even came to visit me while you were gone on your mission.”

“He mentioned that,” I say softly.

“It was brief.” Her bottom lip trembles slightly. It’s a sight I never thought I’d see from a woman of such power and grace. “Kitt misses him dearly.”

“I know,” I whisper, because I do. I know exactly how much Father’s death affected my brother, even when he didn’t wish to show it. “Have you heard about what is happening in the kingdom?”

“Yes,” she says evenly. “Your father always was more occupied with the Ordinaries than the affairs of Ilya.”

I wait patiently for an elaboration worth the trouble Father left for Kitt. But she says nothing more on the matter, which is unsurprisingly disappointing. Queen Myla was nothing if not loyal and loving toward her husband, though she has told the occasional story of the days in which she once despised her king. These moments of reminiscence were only prompted by several cups of wine and told with hazymemory. But even now, Mother refuses to speak ill of the man she loved.

It’s stubbornly admirable.

“And Paedyn?” I ask slowly. “You know of his engagement to the Ordinary?”

“The Ordinary,” she muses, gaze sharp. “That is not all she is. Especially to you.”

I drop her hand, securing a mask of indifference onto my face despite the quickening beat of my heart. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, but—”

“Oh, don’t go denying it, Kai.” Her laugh morphs into a harsh cough. I reach for the glass of water atop the bedside table. Pressing it to her cracked lips, she swallows greedily before managing, “I knew from that first dinner—the one with all the Purging Trial contestants—that there was something between you two.”

I blow out a breath. “Mother—”

“And then she went and killed your father, and things got complicated.”

She says this so bluntly that I nearly laugh. After another dry cough, she adds, “Though, that might not have been enough for you to hate her. I know how you felt about him.”

“He never really was much of a father to me,” I state. “So, no, I can’t say I was terribly grieved by his death.”

The words are harsh and laced with an anger I rarely let myself feel for him anymore. But it is his wife I spit them at. And for that reason, I open my mouth to apologize.

Instead, her hand grips mine, gaze pleading. “I’m sorry for what he did to you. And I’m sorry that I never stopped him.” Tears brim beneath the gray eyes we share. “I just wanted you to be strong. And look at you—you’re formidable. But that is no excuse. I shouldn’t have stayed quiet about your training sessions with him—”

“Shh.” I cut off her words with the single sound. “It’s okay. You made me strong.” A tear rolls down her cheek, and I wipe it away with a knuckle. “You made me strong,” I whisper again.

Equal parts sob and laughter slip past her lips. “Not strong enough to stay away from her, it seems.”

I shake my head, smiling slightly. “No, not strong enough to stay away from her.”

“Kai,” she murmurs, suddenly serious. “She is your brother’s.”

I look away. “I know.”

“Don’t let her come between the two of you.” Her tone is stern. “Promise me, Kai.”

A shake of my head. “It’s a little late to be making that promise, Mother.”

“Then make me a different one.” She struggles to lift her head from the pillow, words strong in a way her body is not. “Don’t let her be your weakness.”

Some time later, when I eventually stand to leave the infirmary, she reminds me of that promise I have yet to make.

In return, I remind her that Paedyn Gray has been my weakness since that very first dinner before the Purging Trials.

CHAPTER 18Paedyn

I’m teetering atop the coffin.

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