Page 78 of The Deadbeat Next Door

He didn’t smile, but some of the tension left his small body. “Okay.”

“Want to tell me what the three of you were fighting about?”

He looked down at his feet, sheepish. “Jenny wanted to watch T.V. and I wanted to play a video game. I…Um, I pushed Jenny, and then Kayla yelled at me for hurting my little sister.” He looked up, belligerence on his face. “She shouldn’t get her way all the time just because she’s littler than me.”

“You’re right. You were wrong to push your sister, but it wouldn’t be fair for any one of you to get your way all the time. Maybe we should sit down tonight after dinner and come up with a T.V. schedule so that you can all have turns watching or playing games.”

“Yeah,” he said. “That would be good.”

“I’m going to heat up some dinner. You want chicken pot pie tonight?”

“Could we have that homemade macaroni and cheese Miss Betty brought over?”

“Sure. I’ll heat it up, if you set the table.”

He hurried to the kitchen, his legs a bit too long and awkward for the rest of his body. I called Jenny and Kayla in, knowing it would take them a few minutes to get inside and get hands washed for dinner. Our little family was still a work in progress, one I had no idea how I’d finance, but I felt I was somewhat getting the hang of it and figuring it out.

It might not be the family I’d always dreamed I’d have and it might not have come about the way I’d wanted it to, but I loved Kayla and Simon and Jenny and, already, I couldn’t imagine my life without them. It would probably be a long while before I had room in my life for romance or for finding that perfect man I’d wanted, but I was learning to be okay with that, too. I may not have had much of a chance to be young or build the secure life I’d always wanted, but I’d never been truly unhappy and I wouldn’t trade the years I’d had with Harrison or the relationship I now had with him for anything. I was lucky to have such a close relationship with my nephew and I was lucky to have the opportunity to help Kayla, Jenny, and Simon, to watch them grow up and to help them achieve their own dreams.

I looked out the window of the breakfast nook as the microwave hummed. I wanted to tell Cody about my semi-breakthrough with Simon and about what a monster Simon’s dad had been to use him that way. But Cody didn’t want to hear about any of that. He was probably looking for a new property, making a new plan for his winery. He’d probably be leaving town. Which would be for the best, I told myself. He’d always been an awful neighbor.

***

I went to bed that night exhausted, worn out, and pretty sure I was failing. My success with Simon had been short-lived, he retreated into sulky silence and a snippy attitude for the rest of the evening. Jenny and Kayla weren’t in much better moods. After the younger kids had gone to bed, Kayla had talked to me for an hour about how angry she was at her father for abandoning them in favor of drugs. She didn’t put it into those words, but she expressed her anger and her guilt for feeling anger. I just listened and told her it was normal to feel that way, but I heard her crying in the bathroom when I headed to bed. I gave her space and didn’t go barging in there, but as I slid into bed, I felt guilty and confused. Had I given her space because I believed that’s what she needed? Or had I given her space because I was too exhausted for another conversation and needed space myself?

Harrison had been difficult, but he’d been one kid, he’d been older, and my main goal had been keeping him safe from himself. With Jenny, Kayla, and Simon, I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing or the absolute worst thing from one moment to the next. They were all so fragile and hurting so much, I didn’t want to cause them more pain or permanently damage them in some way.

I was also worried about money, because I was now a single mom, trying to pay for a funeral and think about health insurance and college funds for three kids. Not to mention clothes, food, toys, books, braces, and whatever else they might need. I needed a budget and a plan, I might need a second job, but I was so tired I couldn’t wrap my mind around any of it. I knew I’d figure it out, there was no other option, but I also knew it would be hard. It had been hard with Harrison, and he was just one kid. Now, I’d be going back to worrying about every expense, back to an empty bank account and the stress of waiting for the next paycheck, the stress of not being sure we’d make it. I’d have to sell my house, but I wasn’t at all sure I’d be able to afford Cody’s house. I knew my parents would help if I asked, but they were on a tight budget, too, and I wanted them to be able to enjoy their retirement.

Just as my brain was finally quiet and I was drifting off to sleep, I heard a shriek from Jenny’s room. I dragged myself out of bed to go to her. I’d been getting up at least two times a night every night with Jenny since Cody left. I missed him most in those moments, not just because he’d been the one to get up with her, but because he’d seemed better at comforting her. I had no idea what he’d done, but he’d been able to get her to go right back to sleep, while I sat up with her for thirty minutes, holding her and rocking her and promising her it would be okay, before she’d finally go to sleep.

When my alarm went off the next morning, I pushed out of bed, bleary-eyed and groggy, and pulled on workout clothes. My run was the only time I felt I had to myself anymore, the only thing that truly relaxed me and made me feel strong enough to be everything the kids needed. Kayla and the others were familiar with my routine, and I set out at a good clip, trying to run from the stress and negative thoughts.

I was rounding the final bend in my run, about a half block from the house, when Cody came running toward me from the opposite direction. My heart stuttered and I stumbled a bit, before I recovered. Images of his beautiful, bare body, of the way his hands felt on my bare skin, the way his arms felt around me, his easy laugh that had so often eased my worries, flashed through my brain, but I pushed those memories down and focused on my run, careful not to look at him.

“Carrie,” he said, when he reached me. He spun on his heel and jogged along beside me. “I wanted to let you know I’m moving out of your place.”

“Okay.” I wanted to ask where he was going, but I didn’t need to know.

“You’re welcome to stay in my place as long as you want. The rent is paid until the end of the year.”

I stopped. He jogged on for a few paces before he realized I wasn’t beside him and turned back to me. “I can’t accept that,” I said.

“You will. Consider it payment for being my pretend fiancée.”

My jaw dropped and I stared at him. Did he really just say what I thought he did?

“Shit,” he said. “That’s not what I meant. Please, just accept it. The owner said there will be an option to buy at the end of the year if you want it. You could sell your place and move into the rental permanently.”

I stared at him, considering. The truth was it would be a tight squeeze for all of us to live in my place, and Cody’s house fit us really well. “Okay, but I insist on paying you back.”

He grinned, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You’d have to find me first.”

He took off at a sprint away from our houses and I watched him go with a sinking heart. I knew it was over and I knew it being over was for the best, but a part of me had still hoped. . . It didn’t matter. He was leaving and I’d probably never see him again.

***

That Saturday, I invited Mary Ellen over for a chat about real estate. I’d never really liked Mary Ellen, she’d always seemed aloof and snobby. She’d been a year behind me in school, and our paths rarely crossed, so I’d just judged her by my distant perception. After the dinner at Bart’s though, I’d begun to think my opinion of her had been unfair.

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