Page 70 of The Good Guy on My Porch

“Does she know what you’re giving up for her? Does she understand how her refusal to accept treatment is ruining your life?”

“My life is fine. Just because I’m not the freewheeling, commitment-free girlfriend you’d like me to be doesn’t mean my mother should suffer. This is real life. This is what happens when you think about someone other than yourself.”

His jaw tensed. “You think I’m selfish?”

“I think you don’t understand what it means to be responsible for someone else. You got bored with your job in DC and you gave it up and moved here, followed your dreams and your passion. Not all of us are free to do that. I’m not free to do that.”

“I’m not suggesting you pick up and move to a new town,” he said. “But I don’t see how going away for one day will hurt anything.”

I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat. “And that’s why this thing between us will never work. We’ve had fun, Oscar, but it’s time to end this.”

Utter confusion twisted his brow. “End what? This conversation?”

I gestured between us. “End this, whatever it is between us. I get that you don’t want to date someone so tied to her mother. It’s fine.”

He backed away and the look in his eyes, disbelief, hurt, and…Disgust? It hurt. I’d never wanted him to look at me that way. “You want to break up with me because I suggested you should go to this conference that you clearly want to attend?”

“I don’t want to attend it,” I said, lying to both of us now. “I hate public speaking. And I think we should break up, because you don’t want a girlfriend who can never leave town. You don’t understand me not wanting to go to a conference, you’ll never be able to understand why I won’t go with you to meet your parents or to that great resort you’ve always wanted to visit. It’s better if we end it now, so we can still be friends.”

The hurt in his eyes grew more intense and he swallowed hard. “Do you use your mother as an excuse to end all your relationships? Or am I just special?”

“Tell me the truth, would you want a girlfriend who could never travel anywhere with you? Who is stuck here with a mother who calls her all hours of the night and day?”

“I thought it was something we’d talk about and work out, together,” he said. “It’s not a deal breaker for me, Dilly. I—”

“But it is. One conference and you’re already trying to convince me to abandon my mother. It’s better this way, Oscar. We should end this now, before you resent me, before either of us gets hurt.”

He got to his feet and I realized I’d leapt to mine at some point. I wanted to get away from him. Buddy, between us on the porch, whined forlornly. Just one more living creature to add to the list of victims in my ridiculous week of giving into what I wanted without thinking about the consequences. “Too late,” he said. “I’m in love with you, Dilly. I’m willing to work through this, to make this work, but you have to be willing to try, too.”

My heart stuttered, and my throat tightened. He loved me? It should have been such a happy moment, but it was a heartbreaking one instead, because I loved him, too. I loved him enough not to pull him into my world. I loved him enough to want to protect him from myself, from the bleak future I knew waited for me. It was bad enough when I’d known I’d be hurt, I wouldn’t drag this out and hurt him, too. “I’m sorry, Oscar. I have to be here for my mother and that means I’ve got nothing left for anyone else. I’m in just not built for any kind of serious relationship.”

He clenched his jaw and something like anger flashed in his eyes. “I call bullshit. You’re throwing away what we have because you’re afraid. You might not be locking yourself up in an apartment, but you’re hiding from life the same way your mother does. You’re more afraid of living, of really experiencing life, than she is.”

“I’m not afraid of anything.” He opened his mouth, but he said nothing. He shook his head, and then he marched inside and shut the door behind him. He didn’t slam it. He should have slammed it if he was so mad. I looked down at Buddy. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

He whined and dropped his head onto his paws. He didn’t believe me either.

“I’m not afraid of anything,” I whispered. I pulled in a deep breath and ignored the tight pain in the center of my chest. I’d done the right thing, for Oscar and for me. He deserved better.

A noise from next door made me look that way and I saw Sandra on her porch. She blew me a kiss of support, her expression sad. I scanned the block, but it looked like she’d been the only one out for the show.

“Come on, Buddy. Let’s go inside. We can watch Benji again.”

Buddy hopped up and stiffly followed me in. I watched him settle in his dog bed and then I flipped on the T.V. to his favorite show. I dug my cell phone out of my bag and I called someone who wasn’t my favorite person but was the person I most needed at the moment.

“Dilly?” Lance said. “What’s up? Is something wrong with Carrie?”

“No.” Lance was a good guy, a better friend to Carrie than I was, which was probably the only reason I disliked him. Other than the fact that he and I had similar taste in men and he’d stolen a guy I’d been crushing on at the club more than once. “It’s time, Lance. I’m ready.”

“Really? Are you sure? Because I saw your face before your bungee jump last month and I don’t think—”

“I’m ready. Set it up.”

“I can probably get us in on Monday,” he said. “I’ll check and let you know.”

“Thank you, Lance. I’m sorry I’ve been kind of jerky to you.”

“Whatever. I’ll call you when it’s set.”

Lance’s cousin worked at a small airport on the other side of the mountains, and Lance and I had often contemplated visiting him there and taking his class. I’d always chickened out and Lance didn’t want to do it alone, but I was finally ready. I was going to skydive and prove I wasn’t afraid of anything. Not a single, damn thing.

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