Page 85 of The Good Guy on My Porch

“You’ve got nothing to thank me for. You were a child and none of us noticed you needed our help. Let us help you now.”

I left, feeling like I was letting my mother down and leaving a piece of myself behind.

***

Carrie stepped onto her front porch and closed the door behind her. “Cody’s putting the kids to bed, but he’s going to call me up to say goodnight to them in just a minute.”

“I only need a minute,” I said. “I just need to tell how sorry I am for lying to you all these years. I thought I was being a good friend by keeping my problems to myself, but I can see now that I was shutting you out.”

She bit her bottom lip. “I just don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me the truth. Did you think I’d judge you or interfere in some way?”

I rubbed my palms on my thighs and looked up into the night sky for some sort of assistance but found none. “Honestly, you were an escape. My mother needed so much and, when I was with you, I could pretend she was fine and I was free to be young and not worry about her for a bit. I was afraid of losing that, afraid of losing you if I told you the truth and it was more than you wanted to deal with—”

“I would never—”

“I know,” I said. “At least I know that now, but I…For a long time, I didn’t think too highly of myself, didn’t think you’d have reason enough to want to be my friend if I wasn’t happy and easy all the time.”

“Dilly…”

I held up my hand. “And the other reason, the biggest reason, is that ever since Mom got sick, I’ve felt like I’ve had this expiration date over my head. That one day I’d lose someone I loved, and I’d become afraid of life and hide from it like she does. I kept you at a distance and I told myself I was doing it for you, but I was really doing it for myself.”

Her eyes glimmered with tears. “But you’re the bravest person I know.”

I grinned, feeling for the first time like I had a shot at getting my best friend back. “I’m a really excellent liar.”

She shook her head. “I can’t believe I never suspected…” It was her turn to stare up at the stars, her expression thoughtful. “I mean there were times when I suspected you were holding something back or that there was more going than you wanted to share, but I never suspected…” She looked at me. “And I never pushed. I never questioned you. I should have seen more, should have pushed harder.”

“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” I said. “Nothing you said or did would have made me give up Mom’s secret. Mary’s been pushing for weeks and she wouldn’t have found out everything if Aunt Melly hadn’t blabbed.”

Carrie didn’t look convinced. “Do you really think you’ll develop the same anxiety and paranoia your mother has?”

“I’m beginning to believe I won’t, but it probably wouldn’t hurt if I talked to someone about it. Maybe got the help I begged Mom to get for so long.”

She wiped at her cheeks and smiled. “You know you can always talk to me, too. About anything. I promise to pay attention this time, to notice when you need more help than you’ll admit, when you’re…”

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in for a tight hug. “You’re an amazing friend, Carrie. You didn’t notice because I did everything I could to hide the truth from you.”

She pulled back from the hug and smiled. “No more lies and no more secrets, okay?”

I let her go, spit on my hand, and stuck it out. She rolled her eyes, but she spit on her palm and shook my hand. “Deal,” I said.

“Wanna come in for a bit?” she asked. “I have to tuck the kids in, but maybe we could hang out after. You have a lot of years of secrets to spill.”

“I’d love that.”

***

I woke to a bright, sunshiney morning and stretched my arms over my head. I felt good, a bit groggy, but lighter. I’d slept through the night. I’d had no phone calls, no desperate pleas from my mother. Immediately, my light feeling turned to dread. What if Mary hadn’t let Mom call? What if she was so bad they’d had to take her to the hospital?

I got out of bed and trotted downstairs to the land line in the kitchen. I had the receiver in my hand and was half-way through dialing my mother’s number, when I stopped myself. If I called, I’d be no better than her, checking up because I was worried. If there’d been a problem, Mary would have called me. I hung up, my hands shaking a bit, and looked down at Buddy, who was standing next to me, a worried expression on his face. Me stomping down the stairs like an elephant had probably scared him. “I’m fine, Buddy. Just had a momentary freak out.”

I took him out for a quick visit to the front yard before I showered, dressed, and took him for a longer walk. The day was warm, humid, and the sun was shining. Everyone I passed on the street smiled at me. Sandra, who was hurrying to work with a coffee mug in one hand and a bagel in the other, stopped and gave me a hug. “Sorry about your, Momma, sugar,” she said. “Let me know if I can help.”

“Thanks, Sandra.” She gave me another squeeze and hurried off. The nosiness and gossip-mongering of a small town might drive me crazy sometimes, but it was beyond words wonderful to have so many good people on my side.

A bit of worry still niggled in the back of my brain, but I pushed it aside. I took Buddy back home, ate a quick breakfast, and hurried off to work. As I did every day, I dialed my mother’s number as I stood just outside the coffee shop. I tapped my foot as the phone rang and rang in my ear. My heart raced as the phone just kept ringing. I went into full-out panic when the answering machine clicked on.

My phone was still gripped tight in my hand when I spun around and smacked right into a large and very warm body. Strong hands gripped my shoulders and I looked up into Oscar’s face. He smiled down at me, but I couldn’t see it. All I could see was my mother, curled in the fetal position, sobbing or worse…I couldn’t even think about it. All my hope, all the lightness I’d felt when I woke up, vanished and was replaced by overwhelming guilt. I’d done it again. I’d pushed too hard and now my mother was paying for it.

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