Page 89 of The Ice Queen in the Corner Office

I looked into my nearly empty beer glass and considered my options. “Quitting would be admitting how much he hurt me, but I didn’t think about that when I told him I’d be looking for another job.” I finished my beer and faced her. “What would you do?”

Her eyes widened in surprise and her smile was huge, as though I’d bought her a new camera or a car for Christmas. “I’d say screw him. So what if he knows he hurt you? You have to do what’s right for you. Do you want to go to work every day and have to see him? Do you want to watch him with the next woman he dates? Do you honestly think you could work there and not put salt in his coffee every chance you got?”

I sighed. “No. No to all of that.” I didn’t want to spend my Christmas hunting for a new job, but May made several very good points. “I do want to stay in Atlanta, though, and it could take a while to find a company that’s looking for a CFO. I’ll almost definitely have to move out of the resort business.” I was sadder about that than I could say.

She frowned. “Maybe take some time, honey? You don’t have to decide anything right away. Figure out if you love the resort industry or Atlanta more.” Her eyes lit. “Maybe you could get a job for some swanky company that has resorts in the Caribbean or the South of France.” She wiggled in her seat, grinning. “Think of the possibilities.”

So, I did. And I smiled back, but I couldn’t help thinking that I’d rather have another day in bed with Alex than a day on the beach at the swankiest, most luxurious hotel in the world.

“I’m going to get another beer, you want one?” I hadn’t been able to punch or kick away my anger and sadness, maybe I could drink it away.

Her smile drooped, and she shook her head. “It’s getting late, honey, and I’ve got to work early. I think we should call it a night, okay?”

I considered staying there and getting drunk by myself, but I wasn’t stupid. Even in a small town, a woman alone, drunk, was a target and I’d promised myself a long time ago that I’d never feel like a victim again.

I walked next to my sister out of that bar and, when she threw an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close, I swallowed down the lump in my throat and wrapped my arm around her waist, grateful for her in a way I had no words to describe.

***

I found Mom in the back yard, on my star-gazing bench. She was sitting in the dark, head back, staring up at the clear, starry sky.

She didn’t move when I sat next to her and clicked off the flashlight on my phone. “This is my favorite spot on the whole property,” I said.

“I used to be able to name all the constellations,” she said. “I knew the stories behind them and what time of year was best to see them. I’ve forgotten most of them.”

“Maybe you should re-learn them. It could be another activity to offer guests, an astronomy lesson in the back yard.”

She hummed agreeably.

For a long moment, I sat with her and stared at the stars, wondering if I could make peace with her without breaking off another piece of my armor. Her silence and the tension in the air between us made it clear I wouldn’t be so lucky.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “The truth is, I was looking for an excuse, any excuse to give in to Alex, to let go of all my doubts and worries and insecurities. Letting myself believe the cookies were laced with drugs allowed me to do that without questioning my own motives.”

“Are you telling me you didn’t really believe I’d give you drugged cookies? Deep down you knew I’d never do that to you?” Her tone expressed clearly how much she doubted her own words.

I sighed, wishing I could lie. “No. Deep down, I believed it was possible, because I thought maybe you’d prefer me to be freer, to be less buttoned up and careful.”

She dropped her head forward and let out a tiny sob of a sigh. “I’ve never told you, Jill, how much I appreciate you. You are so different from me, so…Well, careful and restrained as you said. I was afraid that you were that way because I’d been too hard on you. If I pushed you to loosen up and have some fun, it was because I wanted to make up for not being a better mother to you, not because there’s anything wrong with you just as you are.”

“Oh, mom,” I said, my own voice choked. “You were an amazing mom and Dad was a wonderful father. You two always made sure we had everything we needed, and you worked so hard, at jobs you didn’t even enjoy, just to keep us fed and clothed. I can barely take care of myself, I don’t how you and Dad did it.”

“If you had to do it, sweetheart, you would. You are so strong, and you have an enormous heart. I know you would do whatever was necessary for the people you love, I’ve seen you do it.”

I brushed at a tear that rolled slowly down my cheek. “I’ve made such a mess of everything.”

She laughed, a damp laugh, mixed with tears. “You fell in love, honey. No one does that without breaking a few eggs. Just look at your brothers.”

I laughed at her mixed metaphor and at the memory of the absolute messes my brothers had made, but reality sobered me quickly. “He doesn’t love me back. And now I’ll never be able to work with him again.”

“So, find a new job. Go back to the city and teach those fighting classes and go to concerts and have fun, until you forget about him and are ready to fall in love with someone who deserves your love.”

I snorted, and she wrapped an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me to her side.

“I’m not saying it will be easy, honey. Take some time and be sad for a while. Mourn this loss, and then have some fun. Make the most of your youth and your freedom while you can.”

“Are you ever sorry?” I asked her. “That you got married and started having kids so young?”

She squeezed me harder. “I’ve had a wonderful life, honey. Loving your father and raising you kids was one of the greatest adventures of my life and I’ll never regret it. Maybe sometimes I wished for a vacation to Paris and a chance to see the Tuileries Garden, but there’s probably someone out there who had that vacation who was wishing she had a husband and kids. There’s no point in regretting our past choices.”

“I hope I can see it that way someday. Right now, it just hurts.”

“I know, honey.” She rubbed my arm. “Come on, it’s getting cold. Why don’t we go inside and have some cookies?”

I laughed with her all the way back to the house.

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