Page 110 of Love By The Falls

“I tried to push the bookshelf in front of the door, but it fell sideways and now it won’t budge.”

Shit!I turn the knob and use my hip to open the door, but there’s no give.

“I’ll go in through the window.” Caleb’s voice makes me gasp and I cover my heart with my hand to hold it from beating out of my chest.

“I didn’t realize you were still here. I thought you’d run out of here after this.”

“You didn’t ask me to leave.” He looks at the back door. “Can I access his window from the backyard?”

“Yes!”

“Tell Charlie to open it for me. I’ll be there in a minute.”

I turn back to the door. “Charlie, Caleb’s coming to help. Unlock your bedroom window for him.”

Charlie doesn’t respond, but I hear the window crank. I run through the back door and across the yard to Charlie’s bedroom.

“Do you see those tabs on the edge of the screen?” says Caleb.

Charlie’s face is pale and his mouth tight. I want to jump through that screen and tell him everything will be fine.

“Pull those tabs open for me.”

Charlie squeezes his small fingers between the tab and the windowpane and releases the screen. “That’s it,” says Caleb.

Once the screen falls over, Caleb hoists himself up on the ledge and jumps into Charlie’s room. He puts his hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “It’s alright. Did you hurt yourself?”

Looking down at the floor, Charlie shakes his head.

“I need your help to lift the shelf up.”

I want to interject that Charlie could hurt himself, but I know as a parent and a teacher that fixing something you messed up is important to confidence. How did Caleb know this when he’s neither a parent nor a teacher?

Caleb takes the top of the bookshelf while Charlie puts his hands in the middle. “One, two, three, heave!”

With very little effort, Caleb and Charlie lift the bookshelf off the ground and move it back up against the wall.

With the door now free, I race back across the yard, through the back door, and down the hallway. “Charlie,” I pant when I reach his room, and he looks up at me, his mouth turned down. “I’m sorry.”

I pull him into my arms and squeeze him tight. “No. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

Caleb walks past us, about to leave, when I stop him. “Don’t go. Please.”

He nods and stands just outside of Charlie’s room.

I turn back to my son, smoothing out his hair, and running my hands up and down his arms. I don’t know how to start this conversation. I’ve played it in my mind so many times, but I’ve never been this nervous. I don’t want him to be angry with me. I think that’s why I’ve held off for so long. I’ve kept the truth from him, and he has every right to be angry with me for it.

“Is it true?” he asks. “Is Jason my father?”

My heart feels as though it will burst through my chest. My fingers are numb, but I keep rubbing his arms. “Yes. It’s true.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

I inhale sharply and pull us both down onto his bed. “I didn’t know how to say it. When he wasn’t around, it was easy to keep it from you. I thought one day when you were older, we would have this conversation. But then he came back, and I knew I had to tell you sooner or later. I just didn’t know how. I’m so sorry, Charlie.”

He looks down at his hands, and I take one into mine. “I love you so very much. You mean the world to me. I never meant to hurt you.”

I can only see the side of his face as he’s still looking down. His freckles are more pronounced against his pale skin and his lips are nearly white. I close my eyes and scold myself for being a terrible mother. I should have protected him better. I should have prepared him.

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