Page 31 of Winds of Destiny

“Oh please,” Rusen huffs, “it’s not as though I need details, but I have eyes, man. Any of us could see that the two of you have been together for a long time, however strained things might be now. I don’t bend toward men personally, but—”

I need to end this conversation. “We were never lovers. Together, yes. Lovers, no.”

I’ve startled him. “Really?”

“Why would I lie?”

“I…don’t suppose you would.” Rusen considers me for a second, then grins like the bastard he is and adds, “Bet you regret keeping that distance now, don’t you?”

Yeah. I do.

“So don’t.”

I frown. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t be distant. Tell the prince you want him and then take him to bed.” Rusen shrugs like it’s really that easy. “In Huridell, having more than one lover isn’t just accepted, it’s encouraged. Love is always worth sharing, even when it’s complicated.”

I shake my head. “This would be more than complicated. I’ve already promised the king I’m going to return, and after that I doubt I’ll see Cam for years.”

“That’s your head speaking,” Rusen says. “But what about your heart? The heart never steers you wrong.”

Except when it threatens to break you,I want to snap. “Go to sleep,” I say instead. “I’ll take first watch.”

“Wake Deran for the next one,” he advises as he gets to his feet. “Otherwise my brother-in-law will spend all of tomorrow smirking at having won that damn bet instead of fighting off his fatigue.”

I smile a little. “I’ll do what I can.” Rusen nods and heads for his own tent, and a moment later I’m alone, with nothing but the sounds of Cam and Kai slowly winding down the act to listen to.

I force myself to attend to the camp—I dampen the fire somewhat so that the light stops playing havoc with my night vision. Then I head out for a perimeter check, inspecting the wagons and each of the animals as I go to make sure nothing is lying in wait.

The enormous Dellian rams are placid, either lying down or chewing at the long, tough grass with the determination of a ruminant that knows it’s going to have to chew this mouthful all over again anyway. I like the simplicity of these animals. They’re far less high-strung than Cam’s jaka bird, which kicks a little as I approach.

“Calm down, Lulu,” I murmur, petting the downy feathers on her neck. She settles at the sound of my voice, and I check her terrifying feet for signs of damage before giving her a final pat and moving on.

I stand alone at the very edge of our camp for a moment. The air is still, like always, and there are no clouds right now to obscure the sky. I pick out all the old constellations I learned from Cam as a child—the representations of each great city’s god, the tall line of stars meant to represent Zephyth, the swirling white circle that’s Inarime.

A tiny head bumps my ankle, and I smile as I bend down to caress the little black cat at my feet. She meows once, then vanishes into the darkness just as I hear the flap of a tent lift behind me.

It’s Cam. He’s got a blanket around his shoulders and is standing in that loose-limbed, languorous way that means he’s well pleased. He looks around, barely illuminated in the remnants of the fire, searching the darkness. For me, I presume, but…maybe I shouldn’t anymore. I head toward him, keeping my feet silent until I’m almost close enough to touch. Then I let my foot scrape the ground loud enough to hear.

Cam whirls around, the worried expression on his face giving way to annoyance and…something else. “Where were you?” he whisper-hisses.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just—you should have been…you always…” He huffs in exasperation. “I came out, and you weren’t there. You’re always there.”

I always have been before, but everything is different now. I feel like a rogue wave has swept me under the water unexpectedly, and it’s all I can do just to keep swimming for the surface. There’s no comfort here, no chance to take a breath or adapt to my surroundings. Everything has changed so fast, and it’s clear to me now that Cam is dealing with it far better than I am.

His touch on my shoulder almost makes me jump. This is the first time he’s touched me since the night I broke his heart, and I’m sure the only reason he’s reaching out now is because he’s worried I’m losing my mind or something. It’s a grace I don’t deserve. “Why weren’t you there?” he says quietly, his voice cool and distant, but pain still visible in his eyes.

I stayed as long as I could bear to. I almost walked in on you because I thought he might be doing something you didn’t want. It kills me to listen to him love you in the way I can’t let myself.I could say those things and bridge the distance between us, perhaps even begin to mend our relationship, but that’s not what Cam needs from me. I’m not going to weigh him down any more than I already have.

“I didn’t think you would need me,” I say. I don’t sound as distanced as I’d like, but resignation is almost as good.

“What? I always need…” Cam’s voice trails off as the lie he’s about to speak catches up with him. Because the truth is, hedoesn’tneed me. Not the way he did before. Not the way I want him to, because I’m just that much of a selfish bastard. He’s got more than me now—a proxy husband, competent guards, and a prince waiting for him in a brand-new home. He’s ready to leave me behind, and I… I have to let him go. After we get to the Gate, he won’t be mine anymore. Until then, I need to learn not to cling.

I didn’t think I could hurt any more than I did the night I told Cam I wasn’t going with him to Huridell, but his letting go of me and returning to Kai’s tent without a backward glance is enough to bring me to my knees.

Not until he’s inside and can’t see me fall, though. I can save myself that much face, at least. For all the good it does me.

---