Page 39 of Winds of Destiny

I’m not sleeping.

This doesn’t surprise me—I never sleep well after I see something like the carnage at Traveler’s Ease—but it’s an annoyance I don’t need right now. I feel stupid because of it. All the others saw the ruin made of what was once a home, and yet, three days on, the only one still reeling from nightmares and biting off screams in the darkness is me.

I’m exhausted, and my fatigue galls me. I ought to be better than this by now, but I’m not. I’m clumsy, my appetite is nearly gone, and I can’t even run for more than an hour before having to stop and be bullied into our sole remaining wagon by Cam. It’s embarrassing. I look afterhim, he doesn’t look after me. That’s how it’s supposed to be, and I hate that I’m unable to meet even this basic expectation so close to the end of our journey together.

We’re already within distant sight of the Gate—one more day and we’ll be there. One more day and I’ll be able to hand over all my responsibilities, bid Cam farewell, and leave him with the Dellians.

He’s going to be all right, I know that now. They’re all fond of him, even Rusen, and Kai seems practically in love with him. I hope Cam’s new husband is understanding and Cam gets to keep his soldier-lover when they get to Huridell. And then I’ll be free to return to Zephyth and resume my duties to the king.

The thought fills me with dread.

When I can’t sleep, when I wake up at night in a cold sweat coughing like I’ve just tried to outrun a jaka bird, I stare at the tent that Cam and Kai share. I’ve taken to bedding down close to it just to have the comfort of hearing Cam’s even breaths and the rustle of blankets inside as one of them shifts. Sometimes I hear them talking, and the whisper of their voices is like a lullaby that I can’t get enough of. It’s almost enough to let me fall asleep.Almost.

Not quite.

It’s been a long day. By the time we finally stop the wagon, less than four hours’ ride from the Gate, Cam is spending more time staring at me than he is staring at the mighty mountain that’s going to be his home soon enough. Huridell sits in the very center of the tallest peak in the range ahead of us, all of them snow-capped despite the warmth of the season. The mountains are green and purple otherwise, with the occasional spots of bright yellow and red that Kai tells me are holy plants,growing in places sacred to their god. It looks beautiful.

I hope Cam grows to like it there. Right now, it seems as though the thing he likes best is coddling me. I wish I didn’t like it as much as I do.

“Let them set up camp,” he says when I move to go help pull our supplies from the wagon. “You sit down.”

I shake my head. “I should help.”

“You shouldsit down.”

“I’m not going to rest idle while everyone else is working,” I say even as he manhandles me onto the ground. I’m going to get up as soon as he lets go of me. I have to—being still makes it too easy to think about the wrong things.

Cam actually rolls his eyes, then plops down into my lap. I’m so surprised that I don’t even react as he winds his arms around my neck and lays his head on my shoulder. “There. Now we can rest idly together.”

“I can’t—you—” I look over at Kai, praying for some backup, but he just grins and turns away.

Fuck. Fine. I’ll just sit here with Cam in my arms, so close that I can feel his breath against my collarbone, so wonderfully warm that the ache that’s taken root in my bones over the last few days finally eases. I’ve missed this closeness with him. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed it.

“You’re not sleeping,” Cam says quietly as the Dellians work around us, kindly ignoring the way we’re sitting entwined like branches of coral. “Are the nightmares so bad?”

Cam is the only one who knows about my nightmares. I fought hard to hide them from Doric—I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t do the work he asked me to do. I would certainly never let the king know my mind isn’t always under my control. But Cam learned about them when we were children, and he’s never held me in contempt for them.

“I can barely remember them once I wake up,” I reply. “Just fire and screaming.”

“Hmm.” He’s quiet for a moment, almost contemplative, before he says, “Sleep in our tent tonight.”

I sigh. “I don’t want to keep both of you awake along with me.”

“It’s too late for that. I’ll just fret if you’re not there.”

“You need to be well-rested for tomorrow,” I say, trying a new tactic. “After all, Prince Eleas might come and meet you at the Gate. Don’t you want to impress him?”

“If my lookingtiredafter nearly two weeks of travel is enough to make him think ill of me, then I have a feeling he and I won’t be getting along well no matter what I do,” Cam says pertly. “Don’t worry about me; let me worry aboutyoufor once. Sleep in our tent.”

I should say no. For both our sakes, I should say no, but tonight’s the last night we have together. And the longer Cam sits with me, his comforting weight like a dam that holds back the blood-tinged tide of impressions inside me, the better I feel. I tighten my grip around his waist, then turn and press my lips to his hair. “Fine. I’ll sleep with you tonight.”

“Thank you,” he says, so earnestly that I feel a little bad about it. Have I been worrying him so much? “Would you like to—”

“Hey!” A pointed call from Rusen ruins the moment, as well as interrupting whatever Cam was about to say. “The fire’s over here! We’re not building a separate one for the two of you, no matter how nice it must be to finally have your heads out of your—”

“Rusen.”

“What? I’m just saying what we’re all thinking!”

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