Page 121 of Empty Net

I grab my donut and shove it into my mouth. “Mmfinve,” I say around the fluffy dough.

Auden gives me a pointed look. “Want to try that again?”

I chew and swallow. “I said I’m fine.”

“Oh, that part I understood. I speak mouth-full-of-food fluently. I meant, want to try that without lying to me?”

All the strength I’ve been using to hold myself up these last few days evaporates. My shoulders fall forward, and the tears that have been stinging my eyes finally fall.

“Oh, Lilah.” Auden rounds the table, gathering me into her arms.

She holds me, letting me cry it all out, something I never do. I try to remain stoic, try to keep my emotions in check just as I was taught growing up, but screw that. I need to let this out. I need to cry. Because Arthur Fox is in love with me, and I think I love him too.

I think I’ve known for some time that it’s true, which makes my reaction the other night that much worse. But when he dropped that bomb on me, I froze. I completely shut down as worry after worry filtered through my head. I tried to shut them out. I’vebeentrying to shut them out. But I can’t seem to stop the bad thoughts from spinning.

At some point during my breakdown, the barista must bring over our drinks, because when I finally pull away from Auden,my face hot and wet and covered in snot, our coffees are sitting in front of us with two glasses of water as well.

Thank goodness, too, because suddenly, I’m thirsty as hell. I chug nearly all the water as Auden settles back down across from me, her lips downturned as she lets me recover from my cryfest. I clean up my face as best as I can and even take a sip of my coffee before finally blowing out a heavy breath.

“So, maybe I’mnotokay.”

Auden barks out a laugh. “Yeah, I’d say. Want to tell me what happened? Did you two break up?”

I shake my head. “No. We haven’t. His parents are still here, and we have a thing with my parents tomorrow. It’s the opposite.”

“The opposite?” Her brows pull together. “Well, that would be marriage.” She gasps. “Did you two sneak away and get married?”

“What? No!”

“Well…” She shrugs. “I’m just saying it’s possible. Pretty sure there are websites that can make it happen in under twenty-four hours, and with the way you two have been lately, it wouldn’t have surprised me.”

“The way we’ve been lately? What do you mean?”

“You know, acting like you’re all in love and stuff. Like you’ve gone and turned this real and like—oh my god. Something happened, didn’t it? You caught feelings for Fox.”

“Fox caught them.”

She gasps, her hand covering her mouth, eyes filling with tears. Looks like we’re both emotional today.

“That is just… Oh, Lilah. I’m so happy for you. I’m… Why do you not seem happy about this? You do like him, right?”

My chin wobbles, and I sniff, holding back the tears trying to spill. Yes, I like him. I more than like him. But it’s not that simple.

“He told me he loves me, and I saidOh.Oh, Auden. That was my response.”

She pulls her lips to the side. “I don’t understand. Why did you not tell him how you feel?”

“Because I… Because Ican’thave feelings for him.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t knowhow.”

“I’m not following.” She looks just as confused as I feel, popping another piece of her donut in her mouth.

I look down at the mug the barista put my coffee in, grinning at the turtle on the side. Why wouldn’t it be a turtle?

“I’ve never been in love before. I’ve barely even witnessed love. You and Hutch and Lawson and Rory…that’s it. We didn’t have love in my house growing up. My parents don’t even love me now. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to love someone. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. What if I hurt him? What if he hurts me? What if we wake up one day and look at each other and realize this isn’t what we want and we’ve just wasted so much time? What if we just don’t work? If this was all a fluke?” I look up for the first time, my throat scratchy and my eyes burning yet again. “What if he doesn’t really love me, Auden?”

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