Page 103 of Best I Never Had

My moans grow louder, more frenzied, as his muscles grow taut. Everything, from the lines on his abs to the thick cords that run down his neck, bulges. Muscles that cover his torso, all hard and masculine. As if the last eight years spent off the football field didn’t affect him one bit and they all remain affixed to him through muscle memory and a generally active lifestyle.

His hand wraps around my throat, grabbing hold so that his thrusts plunge into me more deliberately, more purposefully. And just as I reach to grip his forearm, further encouraging his hold, a loud groan resounds through his chest as he comes.

“Fuuuck,” he howls.

It feels like his soul connects with mine, letting our hearts peel back from the ashes of our fire with nothing left but the glowing embers, letting me know that this is just beginning. The sparks will always be there becausethis, this burning ache, this chasm of impatient hunger…it willneverdie out.

He stills and his body slumps over mine. I feel his heart gallop in his chest as our ragged breaths sync through heavy gasps of air. “Holy shit, Nat,” he says against my skin.

My breathing evens out as I eye him, my hand hovering over my forehead, trying to process what just happened between us. Neither of us had a moment to think about our actions. We didn’t consider what would happen to our friendship and what we wanted out of an actual relationship.

I push those thoughts aside as a sweet, exhausted slumber begins to lull over me. Hayden moves to lie beside me after removing his condom and lazily tossing it in the direction of his wastebasket. He drapes his arm over my side as I turn to face him, both our arms tucked under our heads and our eyes searching the other’s.

“Hayden,” I whisper. I want to tell him that…I don’t know what. But if someone asked me right then and there if I love him, if I could picture spending the rest of my life with him, imagining a future together, the answer would be yes. It would be yes a thousand times over because I can’t imagine saying no. I can’t imagine walking away from this with anything other than the greatest love story of my life.

Maybe these thoughts, these feelings, have been brewing in my mind since we both reentered each other’s lives. Or maybe it’s been there since we were seventeen, lodged into a lone crevice in my heart where I let it expand into feelings I didn’t know I had until we finally exploded. We took a chance. That’s what this was, us taking a shot at something great. Because we deserve it. Don’t we? After all of this time, didn’t we earn that road that led to all the what-ifs being answered?

But there are still so many of those what-ifs. And they begin to fester in my mind, held at the tip of my tongue as he scoots closer to me, pressing his warm body against my shivering one shaking from all the fear and uncertainties.

We stay quiet, staring at each other while somehow saying so much more than actual words. Words that may be misunderstood or misspoken if not said carefully. Instead of making mistakes, saying things when we aren’t ready to, Hayden cups my cheek with his warm hand and kisses me. He kisses me as if he’s unsure. As if he still has yet to figure out what all of this means.

41

Hayden

senior year

My armsand legs ache from lugging the two boxes along with my oversized suitcase to my dorm room. With the elevator inconveniently out, I had no choice but to trek the two flights of stairs to the second floor.

“I think that’s the last of it,” my dad calls, entering my room behind me with his arms wrapped around a third box.

My mom follows close behind him. She walks in empty-handed as she examines my new home. “Well, this is cozy,” she comments, eyeing the bed next to mine. It’s already settled in by its occupant with navy bed sheets and a MacBook resting on the pillows.

As I turn to face my mom at the doorway, I see a friendly face enter the room as if he’s in familiar territory. “You must be Hayden,” he says, extending his hand toward me. “I’m Dexter.”

I shake hishand. “I take it this is you?” I ask, pointing to his bed. He nods, swinging his leg around the bed to slump into the soft mattress.

“I hope you don’t mind that I took this one,” he says.

I shake my head. “Not at all. Either one is fine with me.”

My dad clears his throat. “Well, we’re going to head out. We still have to check into our hotel. And we’ve got a long travel day ahead of us tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” I answer. I follow them both down the stairs and out to the curb where my dad’s truck is parked.

“Call us if you need anything,” my mom says with a shaky voice. “If you ever want to come home for a long weekend, just call us. I have alerts set on my phone for flights so don’t worry about the travel.”

“I will,” I say obligingly as she pulls me toward her. She clings to me for a few seconds too long before I turn to face my dad.

He pulls me in for a rough hug, brief yet warm, before patting my shoulder. “We’ll see you for Thanksgiving if you don’t visit until then.”

He lets me go and walks toward the driver’s seat, my mom pawing at the passenger seat window like a stray dog in the pound. I wave at them as they drive off.

When I walk back up to my dorm room, Dexter isn’t there, so I have the room to myself. And instead of unpacking, I lie on my bare mattress, reaching into my pocket for my phone. I have a new text message from Jenny, most likely checking in as if we were still a couple. Instead of reading it, I open my Facebook app and scroll through my feed. I land on a collection of pictures that Natalia posted just a couple of days ago. She’s in New York City, visiting all of the touristy spots. The Statue of Liberty, Times Square, Central Park, the Met.

I tap my thumb on the messenger icon, hovering over her name.

I map out a witty greeting, referencing the Big Apple and all the wonderful amenities it offers, but then I stop myself. What good will it do, reaching outto her as if I can revisit our friendship? As if nothing has changed and I would see her tomorrow afternoon in AP Bio?

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