Page 104 of Best I Never Had

But I miss her. I miss looking forward to seeing her every day, watching her giggle through her shyness and roll her eyes at every corny, cheesy joke that I make. The last time I saw her at the lake house, I wish I told her just how much I would miss her. Not something as simpleas missing a friend, but more. Instead, I walked away, turning to Jenny instead because it was easier. I masked my feelings and turned to someone who felt safer, even if it was temporary.

I let Natalia go. Not that she was mine to let go in the first place, but I let go of the idea of having her in my life. As a friend, as a fellow Coolidge View alumnus. Even as a Facebook friend, only sending the occasional “congratulations” or “happy birthday” greetings. And for some reason, letting her go felt like saying goodbye to a part of me that I didn’t want to let go.

I lock my phone away and tuck it back into my pocket before I stand to open the first of my boxes, relieved when I see my bedsheets on top. While I unpack, I focus on the silent goodbye I whisper in my head, the one that’s meant for Natalia. I repeat it over and over again to myself as I wish I were saying hello again instead.

present

The morning glow streaming into my room shines a light on us, bringing clarity to what happened. I watch as Natalia sleeps. I watch her chest rise and fall, feeling unexpectedly calm and somber at the same time. Her mouth twitches when I run a hand through her hair to move it out of her face, and her eyes flutter in the way that I know she’s going to stay asleep for longer than I would have.

I can’t even regret what happened. Not when it all felt so fucking right. I felt it last night when I held her in my arms, and I felt it this morning when she was the first thing I saw as soon as I opened my eyes.

I pull the cover that slipped down to her waist before I carefully get up, pushing off my mattress with as little movement as possible. I leave the room quietly, moving slowly to minimize the creaking of my bedroom door.

When I walk into the kitchen, Dexter is already up, dressed and drinking a cup of coffee.

“Well, good morning, stud.” Dexter smiles at me over the rim of his coffee mug, practically saluting me as he raises his cup in my direction.

I pull at the sweatpants hanging low at my hips as I reach up into the cabinet for a mug of my own.

“Good morning,” I croak. My voice is hoarse, most likely from the screaming match I had with Natalia when she knocked on my door. And while we were having sex.

God, we hadsex.

“As your roommate, may I put in a special request? Considering we share a wall?”

The steamy cup of coffee that’s making its way toward my lips stops midway. My face deadpans as I wait for this request.

“Next time you decide to bring a woman home, maybe keep the noise level down to a minimum? I’m rather fond of my eardrums and would appreciate it if you could help me keep them intact.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t even humor him with an arrogant smirk like I normally do.

“Who is she anyway? I thought you were going over to Nat’s last night.”

Again, I don’t say anything. But when I stay quiet, he puts two and two together.

“Oh shit! Was that Nat in there?”

“Shh! She’s still sleeping,” I whisper sharply.

Dexter draws in a breath. “You are so fucked.”

“What are you talking about?”

He takes an annoyingly loud and slow slurp of his coffee. “I’m assuming you guys haven’t talked through what this means for you two.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“So, like, you two are a thing?”

“I don’t know,” I answer, shaking my head. “Right now, we’re just friends. I guess…”

Dexter’s brows rise so high, I’m actually worried they might lift off his hairline. “Last I checked, friends didn’t scream each other’s names while they climaxed.”

I stop drinking my coffee, setting it down on the counter as I stare at the warm steam rising above it. Dexter walks out of the apartment without another word, but I don’t hear him leave.

What the fuck have I done? What the fuck havewedone?

As badly as I wanted it to happen last night, I’m fucking scared. I’m scared that while I’ll do anything for this to keep happening, for us to keep progressing into something, Natalia isn’t in that place. She was on a fucking date last night, for Christ’s sake.

---