Page 106 of Best I Never Had

She looks away from me. “He…told me he misses me.”

“So you two are getting back together?”

“No,” she answers with a conviction that’s hard to deny. But it doesn’t matter because the anger simmering inside me is making me irrational.

“Are you sure? Because it sounds like you’re finally getting everything you want.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Matteo. Him wanting you back. Isn’t it what you’ve wanted all along?” I say it even though I know it’s not completely true. Because the possibility of her wanting me instead is going to hurt even more if I find out that it isn’t true either. Because her rejection is something I won’t be able to bear if I find out that I’m the furthest thing from what she wants.

She huffs, turning away from me. “You have no idea what I want.”

You want me.

That’s what I want to say. Because I want it to be the truth with every fiber of my body. I want her to want me more than I need air to breathe or the sunlight to warm me. I want it more than how badly I want her. Because I could live my life wanting her, always finding a way to have her in my life even if she would never be mine. But her deciding that I’m not what she wants, what she needs? I don’t know if I could survive that.

“Hayden,” she pleads. She doesn’t say please, but I feel it leak from her quivering lips. When I look at her, her eyes look on the brink of tears. The tremble in her chin and the involuntary frown that turns the corners of her mouth downward urge me to tell her.

I want you, Natalia. All of you.

And it’s there, ready to pour from my heart. “Nat,” I start. “I?—”

Our conversation is cut short by the obnoxious twang boinging on my phone. Our eyes travel to the countertop where my phone is sitting. The screen is lit up with the cupid silhouette sitting dead center on my screen. My hands brace the countertop, the muscles in my arms straining against my grip. Why the fuck do I have to get a Cupid’s Bet alert rightfuckingnow?

She looks back up at me one more time as if gauging my next move. As if figuring out if there’s a choice to make between what lies on the counter and her standing in front of me.

“I’ll talk to you later, Hayden,” she finally says, discreetly wiping her cheek as she turns to walk away. She stops at the door, hooking on her heels in silence. I watch as my body numbs and stiffens, refusing to listen to my silent demands to stop her.

My chest starts to feel tight.I’m losing her.

All of the panic that set in on the last day of school comes rushing back. A day that should’ve been spent deciding which graduation party to hit up or who would be the designated driver. Instead, all I was able to think about back then was the small smile on Natalia’s face when we said our goodbyes. How the scraping of the metal chairs against the linoleum floors and the collective hoots and cheers from the rest of the class overpowered any goodbyes I had reserved for Natalia. Instead, I watched her walk away from me. And it’s happening all over again.

Just as it was then, I can’t do anything except watch.

42

Natalia

present

“That’s it.”The remote held loosely in my hand is snatched away, forcing me to break my gaze away from the screen in front of me. Carmen stands over me with her arms folded over each other and her lips formed in a straight line of disapproval. “Nat,” she says softly, her tone not matching the sternness in her face. “What happened?”

It’s been a full thirty hours since I left Hayden’s apartment and in those thirty hours, I’ve spent about twenty of them crying and the other ten either stuffing my face with slices of the large pizza I had delivered or watching trashy reality television. Carmen saw me when she came home this morning surrounded by a moat of used tissues, throw blankets, a half-empty bag of potato chips, and an entirely empty tub of matcha ice cream.

She slumps onto the couch next to me, meeting me at eye level as she waits for my answer. Instead of answering her, I bring my arms up to my face, covering my eyes so she doesn’t see the tears forming while my trembling chin peeks from under my elbows.

“Nat,” she says my name again. But instead of probing further, she pulls me into a deep hug.

“Everything is so messed up,” I whimper through my tears. Carmen pries my arms away from my face, revealing the stream of tears pouring down my cheeks and the trail of snot peeking from my nose.

“What happened?” she asks again. She reaches toward the coffee table for a Kleenex and hands it to me.

I blow my nose, the shrill trumpet noise vibrating between us before I tell her everything. From the date that didn’t happen with Shawn, something she was looking forward to as part of the get-over-Matteo plan she established when I moved in, to me sleeping with Hayden. Even the gritty details of our anger-filled words ending with the loud twang interrupting our rough-edged argument. Everything about it was filled with unanswered questions and unspoken words.

My heart twists into a knot, pulling even tighter as flashing images of Hayden filter through my mind. I felt so pathetic standing in front of him, tears spilling while I silently begged him to choose me. To choose us. All the while he stood there, refusing to look at me, letting me walk away instead.

“It sounds like he needs to figure things out,” she says softly, more to herself than to me.

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