Page 113 of Best I Never Had

“Where. Have. You. Been?!” she grunts between hits. I watch the tears stream down her cheeks as she continues to push me away. Her frustration causes all the hurt to spill through her words. I loosely hold her wrists in my hands before pulling her toward me, wrapping my arms around her.

“I’m sorry,” I say, cradling her head. I kiss her temple, attempting to soothe her anger as I run my hand up and down her back. “I’m so sorry.”

She pushes her hands into me, causing us to separate again. Her shoulders hunch forward as the anger melts into exhaustion. Her hands move to her cheeks, wiping the tears as they continue to pour. “You need to walk away if you aren’t going to stick around because I can’t do this. I can’t…” She stops when a sob breaks loose from her lips.

I close the space between us with one quick stride. I lift my hands to reach for her before she turns away.

“You watched me walk away, Hayden. You made it so clear that you didn’t want me, and I sat here completely heartbroken, wondering why I wasn’t good enough!”

I cup my hands to her cheeks, frantically searching her eyes for any sliver of forgiveness she may have set aside for me. “You are more than enough for me. And I’m never letting you go.”

She tries to pull away, but my hands grip her cheeks harder.

“I can’t survive doing that again. I can’t let you go and let another eight years pass by sitting here just thinking about you. Ican’tdo that again.” Everything about my voice says raw and unbridled. Because I’ve given up on trying to hold everything together. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care that she can see every bump and crevice of my heart, completely open and vulnerable. She could spend the rest of our lives holding it in her hands, memorizing all of the details that carry every ounce of love that I feel for her. And I would never expect to get it back. It belongs to her anyway.

The anger in her eyes dissolves, replaced with a face of questions. Silent words ofwhat are you talking aboutandwhy didn’t you tell me thenfloat between us.

“I love you so fucking much. And it…hurtsthinking about this ending,” I say, my voice cracking. I lean my forehead against hers and close my eyes, letting a warm breath plume into white mist in the space between us.

The ache in my chest forces an image into my brain. Me alone, without Natalia, never being able to hold her in my arms and knowing that she exists in this world without me. All because I let her go. As that ache turns into a knot of balled-up pain, my eyes grow wet. I realize I can never live that life. One without Natalia.

While the tears continue to trickle down her cheeks, a cry squeezes through her lips. “Hayden…” Her voice trembles and shakes as a hiccup causes her breath to hitch.

She leans her face toward me as I dip mine, our cheeks grazing against the other. I can’t believe this is happening. After eight years, it’s as if everything I wanted and every fear that crossed my mind canceled each other out and we’re here now, trying to understand why this didn’t happen so many years ago.

“I–I don’t…” she whispers. She breathes a shaky sigh against my skin. “You aren’t going to lose me again.” She reaches for my hand, interlacing our fingers as she brings them flush against her heart. As our bodies come closer together, I can feel the heavy thumping of her heart against my hand.

“Nat,” I said softly. “I know it doesn’t make any sense for me to say this, especially after all this time…”

The middle corners of her brows turn up, coaxing the words out of me and allowing me to be completely honest.

“But I am so in love with you,” I say, whispering the words against her lips. “A part of me feels like I’ve always loved you.”

A loud sniffle draws in her next breath. And she nods. As if she doesn’t have a single doubt, like she understands. As if I don’t even need to say it out loud because she feels it. Every tenderness and throbbing of love that beats against my chest is loud enough for her to already know without me even saying it.

I bend down to kiss her. Not one that’s deep or urgent but one that only skirts across the corners of her mouth. Along the lines that curve her bottom lip. Then I brush my cheek against the spots I just kissed, feeling her warm breath as it fogs in the cold air around us.

“What are you even doing here?” she asks, her voice hoarse and weak.

I take a small step back, reaching into my coat pocket and then revealing a small box for her in the middle of my palm. “I wanted to give you your Christmas present.”

“You got me a present?” she asks, a small smile lifting the corners of her mouth.

I chuckle, unable to resist a smile seeing how adorable she gets at the mention of a gift.

“Open it,” I urge, nudging the box closer to her.

She takes the box in her cold, delicate hands, carefully undoing the small bow that I personally tied that looks like a mangled knot of ribbon instead of a bow for presentation. When she lifts the lid, we both look to see the small plastic keychain sitting in the middle, scuffed with scratches that make the shiny surface dull from years of wear. She lifts it from the box and holds it between us.

“I got you one just like this,” she whispers, the I Love NY swiveling as it moves against the metal links.

“It’s the same one.”

Her lips part into a surprised smile along with eyes that twinkle against the low street lights that hover over us. “You kept it this whole time?”

I nod.

“Why?”

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