Page 32 of Best I Never Had

“Of course not,” she answers before turning to face me. “Doyoufeel like that?”

“No, not at all,” I say to the ground, examining the chipped white toenail polish on my big toe and mentally reminding myself to get a pedicure. “I was just wondering.”

She walks toward me and kneels in front of me before she places a hand on my lap. “Nat, you know that no matter what you do, Mom, Dad, and I, and even Lucy, will support you.”

I furrow my brow. Of course I know that. I’ve known that my whole life. And knowing what Hayden has been through since his stint in college makes me feel like I’ve taken my family’s support for granted. “I know.”

“Is this about Matteo? That maybe you should havestayed with him?”

“He dumped me, remember?” I look at her with a sad smile of defeat. “I didn’t really have a say in the situation.”

“You could have told his mom,” she suggests, smirking at the thought of me tattling as if Matteo and I were children. “I’m sure she would have forced him to marry you.”

“A shotgun wedding without the pregnancy,” I joke. “Every girl’s dream.” While the sarcasm in my voice is obvious, it doesn’t hide the glum tone laced with the bitterness.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go with us to dinner?” she asks again, her voice a little more encouraging this time. “David won’t mind.”

“I know he won’t.” I smile. “But I’m honestly tired. I had a long day at work.”

She gives me an earnest look before hooking her shoes on her feet as she walks out of her bedroom. I follow, ready to spend the night in front of my laptop screen with a loop of whatever I decide on Netflix and any and all of the junk food I can scrounge up.

“Do you want us to pick up some takeout? We’re getting Italian,” David offers, looping Carmen’s jacket through her arms.

“Sure,” I oblige, looking at the sympathetic look that never left Carmen’s face while appeasing her need to big sister me. David must know about the invitation too because he’s wearing the same look of concern as Carmen.

Carmen reaches for me and wraps me in her arms. “Love you, baby sister.”

I sink into her arms, and my throat tightens as she holds me in her embrace. “Love you, too.”

Once Carmen and David leave for their date, I change into the oversized cashmere sweater I splurged on during my most recent trip to Bloomingdale’s and settle into the couch with my laptop propped on a pillow and a bowl of cheddar popcorn nestled between the cushions. I’m flipping through my Netflix selections with my phone resting loosely in my handswhen my fingers land on Hayden’s number, thinking about my lunch hour spent with him and the lingering thoughts of his own personal woes that contrast vastly from mine yet are somehow relatable.

Me: Hey, Marshall.

His response is almost instant, as if he’s been waiting eagerly for me to text him.

Hayden: Marquez.

Me: Thanks for lunch today.

Hayden: Anytime.

There’s a pause in our back and forth. And just as I assume our conversation is over, my phone vibrates with a new message.

Hayden: Thanks for keeping me company. It was nice to see a friendly face.

I pause, gnawing on the inside of my cheek. I haven’t even thought of how lonely he must feel until now, even after he made it abundantly clear. How his day-to-day must feel tiresome, surrounded by people that don’t know about his past the way I do. It makes me wonder if he’s ever told his friends, like Dexter, about his parents or his life before moving to the city.

Me: Well, if you’re ever in need of a lunch date or someone to make that rat dish for, I’m just a text message away.

I end the sentence with a small smiley face emoji. And Hayden responds with a thumbs-up emoji, naturally ending our conversation before I wedge my phone between the cushions of my couch. I roll to my side and place my laptop on the coffee table for better viewing. I finally pick the perfect distraction of twinkly vampires and horse-sized werewolves as I start myTwilightmarathon with the image of Matteo’s wedding invitation burning a hole in my head, hoping to replace it with future lunch dates with a reunited friend instead.

12

Natalia

senior year

I’m repeatingthe mnemonic that Carmen taught me in my head, chanting along the words in a light whisper to study for my trig test next period when I’m interrupted by the sudden drop of a small sandwich bag in front of me. When I look up to peer at my side, Hayden looks at me with a proud smile.

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