Page 73 of Best I Never Had

She leans in to hug me. A heavy, almost outspoken sigh exhales from deep within her chest. I reach my arms around her, unable to resist her embrace. I pull her to me, burying my face into her messy hair and loose clothing, not even ashamed at how much I love holding her in my arms.

“Can I tell you something?” she says into my shoulder.

“Always.”

“You’re my best friend,” she says. I can only see the top of her head, the knotted locks crisscrossing under my chin.

I chuckle, unable to stop the warmth spreading through my chest, causing me to laugh in a way that feels comforting. A light giggle rolls through her too, causing her shoulders to shake in my arms.

She pulls away from me, looking up through her round eyes that twinkle in the low light near her entryway and that smile that lights up the small space between us. “Thank you, Hayden,” she says.

“You’re welcome.”

27

Hayden

senior year

When I getto school on Monday morning, the buzz about how “sick” prom was starts spreading through the hallways. Everyone is talking about their weekend hookups and binge drinking escapades. I, on the other hand, spent the weekend worried that when I kissed Natalia, I pushed her away completely. I had this sudden fear thinking she would be angry at me for assuming something that was clearly one-sided. Or worse, that she wouldn’t even acknowledge me when I saw her in class.

When I walk into bio class and sit in my usual seat, Natalia already in hers with her head slouched between her shoulders, I can’t help but notice the grim expression on her face. Her eyes stay focused on the textbook in front of her, her teeth gnawing on her lower lip as her brow furrows and her hands are clenched in tight fists. I start thinking to myself that this is how it’s going to be betweenus from now on. Her sitting in her seat and me in mine, without a single word passing between us.

“Um, Nat,” I say in a low voice.

But she doesn’t look up. I sigh, regretting everything. How stupid I was to think that she actually wanted me to kiss her and how I interpreted everything so wrong.

I want to tell her that I’m sorry. I don’t want this to be how our friendship ends. I lift my hand to her shoulder. And instead of turning to face me, she flinches. She recoils as if my hand were a hot brand.

A cold shiver runs through me. I take my hand off her shoulder but every inch of my skin crawls, coming up with a hundred different scenarios where Natalia has been hurt. “Nat, what happened?”

She shakes her head. “It’s nothing.”

“Natalia.” The classroom begins filling with students, a sign that the bell is about to ring and that class is going to start.

“He kissed me, and he didn’t stop when I asked him to,” she finally says in a low voice.

My brow furrows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Natalia sighs, her hands coming to her face as her trembling chin peeks through the slits of her fingers.

“We were in front of my house, and we sat in Alex’s car for a minute. And he turned to kiss me. At first, I let him and when it got kind of uncomfortable, I tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t.”

My jaw clenches as I shove my fist under the desk. “Did he hurt you?”

Her eyes peek through her hands as she finally faces me, and I see the tears rimming her eyes. Her chin trembles even harder, but she shakes her head.

“No, but…” she manages through a strangled voice. I see a lone tear spill down her cheek before she turns the other way.

She’s not physically hurt, but he still touched her. He still did something she clearly didn’t want him to do.

I rest my hand on her back, runningmy fingers over her sweater. She keeps her face turned away from me, and I feel the tension in her shoulders slacken at the same time a broken sob breaks through her. I’m so thankful, so relieved that she didn’t flinch from my touch like she did the first time.

The bell rings before I can say anything else. Mr. Khan stands from behind his desk and turns his projector on, instructing us where we’re picking up in our textbooks. I barely hear any of it. Instead, my hard gaze is narrowed on Alex Spencer sitting on the other side of the room. He’s laughing at something his lab partner said, completely oblivious to the effect his actions had on Natalia’s prom night. My blood begins to boil. It simmers in my gut as I think about running the hard knuckles lining my fist through that smug mouth of his.

A light sniffle brings my attention back to Natalia. The lines of her notebook remain blank, unlike other times when they’re filled with long scribbles of biology terms and haphazardly drawn images of neurons or a DNA helicase. Her body leans into my touch, and that fire that makes me seethe cools. I start to focus on consoling her until the knot that’s at the root of her displaced shame loosens. I keep my hand on her back, silently letting her know that I’m still here by her side while wishing I could hold her in my armsinstead.

present

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