Page 97 of Best I Never Had

He looks at me, a slight rise of surprise evident in his rounded eyes and panicked face. “Natalia, I made a mistake.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say, a strain in my voice. “We’re over. Youdumpedme, remember?”

“I know,” he says, flinching away from the harsh truth. “And I wish I hadn’t ended things with you the way that I did. And now I feel like I’m in such a mess.”

“Do you love her?” I ask.

He doesn’t answer. Instead, he keeps his gaze on the countertop. And when his silence answers my question, making me feel sorry for this woman that he made an empty promise to, I shake my head. “Matteo, you need to leave,” I say again. “Whatever mess you need to work through, it isn’t here. You need to talk to her.”

He nods, his hands coming up to his face as he rubs out the knots of tension from his temples. “Yeah,” he says with a defeated sigh. “Can I just say one thing?”

I tilt my head, waiting.

“I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to end things the way that I did,” he says through a rough voice. “And…I just want you to know that I didn’t plan on hurting you. I was just scared.”

My deep-seated sigh is the forgiveness I didn’t know I was ready to give. “Whatever’s going on with you and Jacinda, work it out. Marry her, don’t marry, that’s none of my business. That’s between you two. But don’t make the same mistake you did with me.”

“Yeah,” he concurs. And without any other parting words, he walks out of my apartment.

39

Natalia

senior year

“It lookslike our choices are narrowed down to The Fault in Our Stars or Transformers.”

I turn to face Yuri as her eyes scan over the movie times displayed on the marquee. “I think Ansel Elgort is always the safest choice.”

She smiles at me, stepping toward the box office window to purchase our tickets. “I’ll get the tickets if you get the snacks,” she offers, turning to face me over her shoulder.

“Okay,” I agree. It’s my last weekend before leaving for New York City on Monday, and I called Yuri to see if she wanted to spend one of my last nights in Beavercreek visiting our local metroplex so we could stuff our faces with popcorn and movie theater candy.

Once our ticketsare taken at the turnstile, we walk up to the concession stand, eyeing the display case while deciding between the cherry or blue raspberry Icee.

“I’m going to use the bathroom,” Yuri announces. “Just get me a bag of Skittles with the popcorn.”

I nod and watch her walk away, taking a step forward as the line moves ahead. As I scan the crowd filled with Saturday night patrons filling the theater on this warm summer night, I see a familiar face. Hayden is stepping out of the theater room located near the far end of the concession stand, grinning, with a bucket of popcorn held in his arms. I’m about to call his name and wave at him when I see Jenny follow his steps out of the theater, linking her hand in his.

So many things have happened between me and Hayden. So many things that we never talked about but should have. Like why he kissed me at prom. Or why he didn’t kiss me at the lake house.

Our friendship should have remained insignificant, a small traffic sign in the middle of the road reminding each other of a past linked to our future. But it feels more significant than that now. It feels more like a landmark than a passable road sign. When his warm hand rested on my cheek, it felt heavier than just a light brush of his skin against mine. It felt like by saying goodbye to him, I was leaving behind a piece of myself. Right inside that small classroom where the entirety of my senior year felt bundled and placed on the table Hayden and I huddled over.

Maybe it’s more than just a feeling. Maybe it’s something much more tangible, more real. Something that I should have grasped rather than let slip through my fingers. Maybe the warmth that I feel flooding through my veins means that Hayden should remain more than just another Coolidge View alumnus I’m saying goodbye to. He should be something more permanent, everlasting.

“Miss?”

I face the cashierbehind the concession stand waiting patiently with a polite smile. I step up to the counter just as I watch Hayden link his arm around Jenny’s shoulders, and the two walk out of the building.

present

As confused as I am after Matteo stops by, I don’t cancel my date with Shawn. I’m more determined than ever to move on. To use this date as a starting point so I can embrace my newfound appreciation for being single without the heaviness that Matteo left behind. But I’m finding that the heaviness is replaced by the confusion I feel clouding over my head. My heart’s become torn in two, and I can’t help but place Hayden at the center of the two halves.

After days of planning out my outfit for my date with Shawn, I still come up empty-handed. So on Friday night, thirty minutes before meeting with Shawn at Buca’s, I’m standing dressed in my underwear with two narrowed down choices lying on my bed. It’s either a black dress, clingy and short while exposing enough of my shoulders and arms to look sultry and a little too appealing to the opposite sex, or a bright floral romper that looks like something I would wear on a day trip to the beach.

Going with the obvious choice, I slip on the black dress, shimmying into it and hooking the thin straps onto my shoulders. I look at the mirror, watching as the thick fabric, ruched and bunching together down mymiddle, lines my curves. I admire the outfit, thinking about how Hayden looked at me in my Playboy bunny costume, eyeing all of the exposed areas while making light sweeps against my skin through the thin material.

This is something Hayden would like.

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