Page 94 of Best I Never Had

I can’t let her go. But what if I don’t have a choice? Like the first time I did. What if no matter how strong my grip holds on her, she leaves? Because we don’t belong to each other. And if this doesn’t work out, ifthiscrumbles like so many other things in my life, how am I supposed to go on without her?

I break our kiss, her lips pulling with mine before she realizes that I’m pulling away. Her eyes, full of everything from fear to curiosity to want, search mine, twinkling against the glowing twilight streaming in from the windows.

I lower my head, our foreheads leaning against each other as I exhale a deep sigh into the space between us.

“Hayden?” she says breathlessly.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” I say hoarsely. The pain and willpower it took to stop that kiss fills the cracks that make my voice weak and shaky. And instead of fighting me like I want her to, she nods. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

She closes her eyes and shakes her head, our foreheads still touching and her hand gently squeezing my bicep. Removing myself off of her, I snake my arm around her waist and sit her up.

We look at each other, our emotions on our sleeves and too many questions suspended in the air between us that neither one has answers to. We stay like this, looking at each other with all of our thoughts. Everything between hesitancy to yearning. But not regret. I don’t regret kissing her. Just like the first time, I can’t regret it.

“Hayden,” she finally whispers. “You’re my best friend. I–I don’t want to lose you.”

I smile a sad and weak smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”

38

Natalia

present

I lefta couple of hours after the service, catching a flight just after midnight. Hayden stayed back a couple of extra days before leaving his mom’s side on Sunday night. We haven’t seen each other since Hayden dropped me off at the airport. Our last exchange was a text message from me to him letting him know that I made it back to New York City in one piece and that I left my laptop charger at his house the last time I had to jump on to answer some emails.

There’s been no further discussion of our kiss. What it means, if it means anything at all. But I feel more confused than ever. The look smeared across his face when he stopped our kiss scared me more than anything else. I’m scared that he regretted it. Not because he didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but because he didn’t want to journey down a path he wasn’tsure he wanted to take. To test the waters of us only to realize it wasn’t worth the trouble.

And what of our lonely hearts? This whole time, us leaning on each other through our bouts of loneliness has remained intact because we’ve been able to see each other as just that: a shoulder to lean on when needed. But that line seems to blur now, creating this bottomless pit of doubt and questions to linger like a promise that was never to be made.

When I walk into my office on Monday, after a quick greeting to José, I settle into the work that piled up during my week-long absence, only working from my laptop in between the memorial service and nostalgic visits to my old stomping grounds. As I’m elbow deep in emails, I’m interrupted by a ping on my phone with a new text message from an unknown number.

Unknown Number: So, I hear my annoying cousin can be a bit of a brat around the office. Can I make it up to you? Since I am the older one.

A pause.

Unknown Number: Dinner?

I smile at my phone screen. While his number is not yet saved on my phone as this is our first digital interaction, I finally put two and two together to realize it’s Shawn who’s texting me.

Me: Ah, but if it weren’t for that annoying cousin, I wouldn’t be cashing in on this dinner.

Shawn: So I guess you should be thanking him for a free meal.

Me: Nothing a seven-course meal topped with an expensive bottle of wine can’t fix.

Shawn: Exactly how annoying is he?

I smile at my screen again, finding myself amused by his good-natured humor and confidence. But then I think of Hayden. Hayden, who I have yet to see after our kiss.

When he kissed me, it felt like he was finally coming up for air. His lips moved hungrily. Like he had spent weeks mapping how that kiss would play out. I felt every bit of need pouring out of him. I chalked it up to him processing his grief, turning to intimacy during a time when he didn’t know how to handle his dad’s death. But my lips still burned, tingling with the urgency to have his lips on them again. What if he never stopped it? What if we went on until we let that fire burn into our souls and ignite everything that overflowed to the surface?

And then I remind myself hedidstop it.

I chew on the inside of my cheek, pursing my lips and worrying my brows together as I mull over my answer to Shawn. When my response never comes, he sends another message.

Shawn: How about this Friday? Seven?

Friday night…I don’t have plans. No date with another man, no invitation to mollify that spiral of loneliness. But will Hayden be calling me? To see if I’ll be feeling lonely with more plans to fill our shared loneliness? Should I be waiting for that call? I hate to think that if he does call, I’ll have to tell him no. To tell him that our agreement is no longer necessary as I’ve chosen to fill my loneliness with someone else. Another man who would definitely treat our dinner as a date. But I can’t keep doing this, leaning on Hayden to fill a void that I should be filling on my own. Because doing so means our relationship will teeter further away from that line that defines our friendship. One that he made clear when he pulled away from me.

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