Page 13 of Counting His heartbeats

"Ooh. That's saying a lot without saying much, girl," Jamaica adds, rejoining the conversation after several minutes of silence from her end of the line.

"Picture a man with dreads that look soft like butter, light brown eyes that have the potential to glow in the dark, smooth brown skin the shade of cinnamon, and a swag that causes you to wonder how heavy his dick is," I recite sighing.

"Ooh. I'm putting my vote in for this hood nigga with a reckless mouth and childish antics," Evie cheers, laughing.

"Hm. I'm going to reserve my opinion and vote until I have a chance to feel him out in person," Jamaica counters.

Rolling my eyes, I move my mouse, bringing my computer back to life to resume my tasks while this conversation takes an unexpected turn.

"That's gonna be hard since I'm going to avoid his ass like he has COVID and pneumonia. I have no time for the problems he could bring to my life. Hell, I'm still dodging Aldis. I ain't got time to consider anything but what I'm having for dinner on a daily basis. Men are in time out with me right now," I insist.

"What happened to wanting to date and all that jazz you were talking about the last time we talked?" Jamaica brings up.

"That's cute. Let me ask you this. What's the likelihood that you'll run into this man again?" Evie asks.

My heart rate increases because neither Jawaan nor I have set hours to volunteer, yet it's not uncommon for us to run into each other at any given time.

"Very," I whisper, answering Evie without answering Jamaica because I didn't want to face the reality of her words.

Mhm. You're attracted to Jawaan and don't want to admit it.

"Mhm. Then let me know if thug-a-boo lets you make it a week, and then we'll reconvene," Evie says.

"Right. It seems like he's a man without the ability to rationalize or care about your protests. Like Evie said, we'll discuss this again in a week," Jamaica agrees.

"I hate you bitches. Where is the confidence in me?"

Pausing my fingers, I stare at the numbers while waiting for one of my friends to change her stance about my avoiding engaging with Jawaan. Honestly, I don't have much confidence in myself, especially since I'll be returning to the hospital to spend some time in the NICU when I get off work.

God, if you love me like you say, can you please keep that man away from the hospital today?

Later That Day

"Oh, you're back," the nurse I saw the day I came to the hospital initially says, smiling while adjusting the monitor above the incubator.

"Yes. How's he doing?" My eyes are on the small person who has me ignoring every other baby in the room to see about and give my attention solely to him.

The tube coming from his nose has my chest tightening despite the comfort I feel while observing the rise and fall of his chest. The diaper covering his private parts looks too big for his tiny frame, causing a slight smile to form on my lips. Just like the first time I saw him, his eyes were closed, and he appeared to be resting peacefully.

"I'm sure he'll be better if you're able to provide him some kangaroo time. His mother has been too sick to see him and do it herself. So, he could benefit from having someone stand in the gap for her," the nurse informs me.

"That's why I'm here. Let me wash my hands and get situated in this rocking chair. Can you help me position him in the best way possible for his comfort?" I ask, pointing to the lounger adjacent to the baby's crib.

"I sure will."

Nodding, I walk to the nearby sink and clean my hands while ignoring the stampede in my chest at the thought of holding such a tiny baby. Hearing that his mother is sick and can't come to love on him makes me want to jump in more than ever. After silently reciting the birthday song twice, I turn off the water and grab paper towels before returning to the awaiting chair. The nurse is smiling and waits for me to confirm my readiness before she moves to remove the baby from the bed. My teeth clench my bottom lip when the nurse slowly moves toward me.

"All right. Skin-to-skin care is best when placing the baby on your chest. Unbutton your blouse, and I'll gently lay him on you. Once he's in position and you're comfortable, I'll grab a blanket so you don't have to worry about being exposed to anyone even though no one else is currently here," the nurse says, causing me to nod and do as instructed.

Oh God. Oh God. Please don't let me hurt this baby.

The wires attached to his little hand have me antsy despite seeing how seamless it is for the nurse to handle him. My fingers shake while I unbutton the top three buttons on my blouse before nodding to let the nurse know I'm ready. She moves slowly and gently lays the baby on my bare chest before adjusting the blanket. She lifts him out of the crib that covers his tiny frame. My heart jumps at the unfamiliar yet soothing feelingcoursing through me from feeling the baby's heart beating against my chest.

"Okay, we like babies to receive kangaroo care for at least an hour, but if it becomes too much, let me know. I'm going to grab a blanket for you, and I'll be back," the nurse says before walking off without waiting for my response.

My lips tremble, forcing me to close my eyes to prevent me from releasing the tears fighting to escape. The overwhelming nostalgia flowing through me at this moment has me out of sorts. I feel like I'm having the best out-of-body experience I never knew I could benefit from. My arm unconsciously rubs up and down the tiny back in my arms, making me take liberty with this child no one asked me to.

Father, in the name of Jesus, first... I want to say thank you. Thank you for this baby's life. Thank you for allowing him to see this day. Thank you for allowing him to survive despite whatever obstacles he faces. Right now, I ask that you touch his little body. Send your healing virtue to not only him but to his mother. God, you know their ailments, so I ask that you heal their bodies. Thank you in advance for doing what only you can do. You are the chief physician and I place this baby and his mother at your feet. Finally, I want to thank you for allowing me to be in the position to stand in proxy for his mother during her absence. I don't take this opportunity lightly or for granted. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

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