Page 15 of Counting His heartbeats

"Believe it or not, some babies aren't named until hours before their departure. This little guy might be the same way because his mother's health hasn't allowed her to even lay eyes on him," the nurse says, entering my one-sided conversation with the baby.

"Wow. I hate to hear that. No wonder he seems to be at peace when I hold him."

"Mhm. When you and Ms. Zurmani come, he gets some good rest. He tends to be fussy for about two hours after you two have left," the nurse says, frowning slightly.

My chest tightened upon hearing this information because I would have spent an entire day in this lounger if I had the availability. Like Little Man, my time here gives me so much peace that I hate leaving. Yet, I have no legal ties to this baby, and it could look highly suspect if I camped out at his bedside. The last thing I need someone to think is that I'm following in Sheryl and Zack's footsteps.

Hell, if the hospital knew my past, they probably wouldn't even allow me anywhere near this floor.

My stomach sours at the thought when an unwanted memory invades my mind.

"Either you fuck me, or I'll tell all those fast-ass girls calling you who you really are. I'll also make sure you're banned from every hospital in the city because someone like you could be a liability," Rema threatens, snarling with her hands on her bare waist.

My chest pinches from the venom pouring from Rema's lips because I mentioned to her an interest in doing volunteer work at a hospital. After spending time shooting hoops with some of the neighborhood kids, the last thing I feel like doing is having sex. Yet, what choice do I have? My past isn't something I ever want people to learn about me.

"Come on, but I ain't down with you trying to blackmail me because you want my dick, man." Pulling my shirt over my head before dropping it on the floor, moving quickly to push my shorts and underwear down.

"Whatever. I thought you would see it my way. Keep giving me this dick, and we won't have any problems," Rema says while climbing in my lap and connecting our bodies.

"Are you okay?" the nurse asks, causing me to open my eyes, not realizing I had closed them.

"Yeah. Why do you ask?" My voice is low and unsteady as I attempt to get myself together.

"Y-you're crying," the nurse whispers before handing me a couple of tissues.

Shit! Rema fucking Gardner.

An Unknown Time Later

Journal Entry #3

Despite attending my first counseling session, my mind is on a constant loop of warring thoughts and emotions. Rema went from teaching me ways to comfort me to blackmailing me to continue fucking her. At some point, I stopped protesting and let myself enjoy the opportunity to fuck a woman whose pussy should have never been an option. I'm kicking myself for traveling down memory lane while in mixed company. To make matters worse, I was holding Little Man, and he was going through enough without me shifting his peace. I got out of dodge quickly because I never wanted to be the reason Little Man's energy was thrown off.

My instantaneous connection and protective nature with a child I didn't contribute to creating baffles me. Yet, unrelenting love dances in my heart every time I'm in Little Man's presence, and it's an unexplainable phenomenonI have never felt before. I cherish the opportunity more than my next breath, though. What's crazier is the feelings developing for the toffee skin bombshell who's also chosen to focus her attention on said child. I'm a broken man undeserving of being in Zurmani's presence b...

Brrng. Brrng.

The ringing of my phone halts my journal entry, and I grab my phone. A smile forms upon seeing Mama Lo's name on the screen.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of this call, Mama Lo?" I greet after answering my phone.

"I miss you, Jawaan," a sweet, nurturing, familiar voice says, causing my heart to race, and I hang my head from the conviction I feel.

"Forgive me for catching you off guard, but Aretha and I have been praying for you. I felt you needed to know that I'm not the only person standing in the gap for you. Aretha has known you longer than I have, and she cares just like I do," Mama Lo softly expresses.

My eyes glisten with unshed tears while processing Mama Lo's words because I have been moving in silence with more than just Kyce and Kayshon. A boulder-size lump enters my throat, preventing me from speaking, and the water I'm fighting to contain slips from my eyes when Ms. Aretha starts talking.

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield. The Lord will give grace and glory. No good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly," Ms. Aretha says.

"I'm not walking?—"

"O Lord of hosts, Blessed is the man that trusteth in thee," Ms. Aretha continues, cutting off my objection to her quoting this particular scripture before Mama Lo enters the conversation.

"Sometimes it's difficult to see ourselves how God sees us. Nevertheless, you can take Him at His word," Mama Lo says.

Wiping my face, I take a couple of breaths to regain my bearings and communicate without the evidence of being overwhelmed by the things my mother figures are sharing.

"Th-thank you both. I love y'all," I express, pushing out the words over the clog in my esophagus.

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