Page 21 of Counting His heartbeats

"Jawaan, the stains of your past can only harm those you love if you let them. I think you're doing the right thing by coming here to allow me to assist you with processing the things that trouble, pain, and frighten you. Putting in the work with me will guarantee your ability to live a fruitful life full of the love you deserve," Letitia says.

"Hm. Rema's ass often told me I deserved to be loved too, but usually, it was after I finished fucking her into submission," I admit, frowning.

"I can tell by the look on your face there's a story to accompany your statement. Let's work through it, then I'll provide my analysis."

"This is something I haven't shared with anyone, including my brothers, so please don't mention it to them, all right?"

"Unless the three of you are having a joint session, I will never discuss what happens during our individual sessions."

Sighing, I nod, disconnecting our eye contact when a deep sense of shame spreads through my body as the memory makes its way to the forefront.

"By the age of thirteen, I could fuck a woman like a man twice my age, thanks to Rema. One night, Rema woke me out of my sleep before guiding me to the room, which she said was our special place. My young ass had no clue what I was about to participate in but seeing her in the black silk robe she often wore when dealing with me, my dick had me following without complaint. In the room, everything was routine at first, but then Rema put a blindfold covering my eyes," I relay, and my breathing becomes choppy the more I speak, yet I'm too caught up in the memory to stop talking.

"Do you need a minute, Jawaan?" Letitia's question is faint, and I continue without acknowledging or answering her.

"My senses seemed to heighten without the presence of my sight, and feeling Rema's warm mouth on my dick kept me in the moment. I never knew anyone else was lurking in the room until someone gripped my ass, separating my cheeks. I thought Rema might have had one of her friends join in for a surprise threesome, so I didn't attempt to stop the person. Rema didn't allow me to focus on them anyway because she had my dick hitting the back of her throat, and the sensations had me nearlydizzy. Then I felt the unknown person's tongue invading the surface of my anus. I damn near fell from the warmth of the invasion when the person began eating my booty like groceries. That fucking song will never get any playtime on my radio ever in this lifetime because of what happened that night." My voice trails off when my blood becomes volcanic, causing my hands to ball into tight fists.

Closing my eyes, I bite the fuck out of my lip, yet the image invading my mind has me opening them quickly before standing and stomping around Letitia's office. I can feel Letitia watching me, but I need a minute to calm myself.

"Ja—"

"That night, Humphrey violated me, and I only found out when Rema removed the blindfold after positioning my dick in her pussy. Humphrey was fucking her ass while she had me fucking her pussy."

"Di-did he have sex with you?" Letitia hesitantly asks.

"No. He only licked and sucked my ass before Rema told him to stop. I didn't know and have held this since I was thirteen. After that incident, I was fucking girls for sport just to prove to myself that I wasn't struggling with my sexuality. Hell, I only recently stopped sticking my dick in every pussy that winked in my direction." My vision becomes blurry when an intense pain hits my chest, bringing an abundance of tears.

My back hits the nearest wall, and my shoulders bounce uncontrollably as I can no longer hold myself up.

"H-how will I get Zurmani to fall in love with me knowing a nigga once had his way with me? I see a future with that woman," I cry.

I would have been cool with learning how to fuck at ten, but Rema took away my ability to appreciate any form of sex. Blindfolding me, knowing she was about to have Humphreytreat me like a piece of meat, was the most diabolical thing I have ever known.

"After that incident, I wouldn't agree to have sex with Rema, which she allowed until Humphrey died the year later. Then she took my decision yet again when she started blackmailing me. How in the fuck does God allow Satan's imps to win like that? Rema had me concluding that he didn't exist until recently." My voice is hoarse, and my eyes are unable to focus on Letitia or anything else in the room.

Fatigue hits me suddenly, and the need to sleep off the things I uncovered rests heavily within my limbs. Chills threaten to cause my body to shake, and my heartbeat becomes sluggish the longer I lean against this wall.

I gotta get out of here, man.

"I can see that you are not only processing but are seconds away from fleeing from this office. While I understand your ability to self-preserve, I can't let you leave like this," Letitia advises like she has a microscope in my brain.

My lips deepen into a frown, and my brows furrow before I swipe at the water, leaving my eyes as if a fly were hovering in front of my face.

"No disrespect, Letitia, but you can't make me stay. I'm past my limit of sitting with these fuck ass emotions. I gotta get out of here, man."

"Fine, but don't go home. Either call your lady and have her meet you somewhere or go spend time with the miracle God has allowed you to meet."

Zurmani's smiling face while holding Little Man pops into my mind, causing my heart rhythm to slowly return to normal.

"Fine."

"Oh shit! You didn't tell me you had a dog, Jawaan," Zurmani panics, jumping into my arms when Cleo comes running from the back of the house.

Laughter escapes my mouth while tightening my hold on Zurmani's slim-thick body because she caught me off guard. While I didn't ignore Letitia's suggestion completely, I chose to amend it because I didn't want to be anywhere but home. Visiting Little Man would ordinarily be my go-to option, but I'm serious about allowing him to absorb any of my negative feelings.

"Oh, I guess we should have prayed for a woman to catch your attention a long time ago," Kyce says when he and Kayshon walk through the door that I hadn't had a chance to shut yet.

Damn. Busted.

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