Page 3 of Counting His heartbeats

Beneath His wings of love abide.

?

At that moment, my phone blares from wherever I dropped it in the room with Mama Lo's ringtone, causing me to hang my head despite her inability to see me.

"Man, I can't talk to you right now, Mama Lo," I whisper with scratchy vocals while wiping the never-ending water from my face.

Picking up the silver steel on the left of me, I hold it to my temple and close my eyes. Wrapping my index finger around the trigger, I inhale and exhale, solidifying my decision to escape everything.

Knock. Knock.

"Housekeeping."

Fuck Nigga:

Are you really not answering my calls? I've been by your crib a few times this week, and your ass ain't once answered the door. I know you saw me on your bitch ass camera. Call me Zurmani. Damn.

"It'scrazy to me how a man will continue to play in your face but get mad when you realize that love doesn't cause you to look like a damn raccoon every day that ends in y."

"A raccoon, though, girl." Evie laughs.

"What did he say? I know you're talking about Aldis's punk ass, right?" Jamaica asks.

Evie Reddick and Jamaica Spivey have been my girls in the same way that grape jelly complicates peanut butter on toast. I longed for a sister until God sent Evie and Jamaica into my life.

"Yeah, it's Aldis. I blame myself for wanting love and listening to Evie?—"

"Wait. Why am I getting blamed?" Evie asks.

"Girl, keep acting like you don't spend hours praying that the three of us find our soulmate and get married in a triple wedding," Jamaica says, rolling her eyes.

I have gotten used to Jamaica and Evie's differing opinions on love, marriage, or settling down with someone so my commentary isn't necessary to this discussion. While I pray that one day I find a man who values the woman that I am enough to love me like I deserve, I'm not optimistic. My ex, Aldis Fisher, is and has been a habitual cheater since I've entertained a relationship with him. Foolishly, I ignored the signs until the evidence was a direct result of me visiting my ob-gyn to learn that I had an STD. Aldis and I had been together for four years, and the one time I forgot to force him to wear a condom, karma slapped me with a retribution I quickly felt.

I blame my parents because they have been my blueprint for marriage ever since I knew what commitment was. Michaela and Kerry Coates have been married for thirty-five years, and while I have seen their struggles, I have also witnessed their undying love. While Michaela is a woman of strength, faith, and humility, she is also someone I admire for her ability to be whatever Kerry needs her to be. Some days while growing up, I saw her stand behind Dad without saying anything, just holding onto him. On the other hand, Kerry is a man of integrity, faith, strength, and a warrior who has done everything to ensure his wife and children never go without. My brother, Zion, and I are stronger, wiser, and better for having the parents that we have.

God, I know my life doesn't always reflect the desires of my heart, but can you allow the two to intersect?

"Why are you so quiet, Zurmani?" Jamaica asks.

"I figured you two would remember that I'm here and shut up soon," I say, smirking.

"You know Evie be doing the most. I have to remind her that we all don't want love," Jamaica says.

"No. I think you're the only one planning to spend your life single and ready to mingle, boo. Although Aldis and the rest ofmy exes were duds, I'm still praying that God will send me a man who desires to love the hell out of me," I relay, laughing.

"Right. Hell hath no fury like a woman?—"

"Evie, please," Jamaica cuts her off while hanging her head, causing Evie and I to laugh at Jamaica's dramatics.

"Anyway, let's get into this bible study. Which book were we focusing on again?" Evie asks.

"None of them. I want to stay a heathen because God doesn't allow you to pop coochie, and my kitty loves purring on the lion's roaring in her path," Jamaica responds.

"Lord, send me some friends who are serious about getting their life together. Oh Lord, my strength, my redeemer, my strong to?—"

"Yeah, I'm gonna head out because this is gonna ruin the high from the edible I took before coming over here," Jamaica cuts Evie off before standing and heading toward the door without another word.

"All right, now that she's gone. Go on and make that shrimp and crab dip because I saw the ingredients in your fridge," Evie insists when the front door slams, letting us know Jamaica has left.

---