Page 33 of Counting His heartbeats

"I know this is a lot to take in but keep calm. We're gonna figure this out together. I'm gonna lay Little Man down, then we can ask the nurse for his mother's room," Jawaan says in an even tone before moving to the crib and gingerly laying the baby down.

My eyes blink continuously upon realizing that Little Man is now in a regular crib and doesn't appear to be connected to anything other than the tube coming out of his nose. I haven't seen him, so a smile upturns my lips, knowing he's improving.

"Oh, hi, Ms. Zurmani," Little Man's nurse says, coming from behind me.

"Hi. Um, we would like to visit with his mother. Can you tell us what room she's in?" I ask.

The nurse's lips press slightly, her eyebrows pinched, and her shoulders droop, causing my temple vein to pulse.

"I'm sorry. She passed away the day after she gave me that letter to give to you two," the nurse says in a melancholy voice.

Oh God!

My hand covers my mouth, and the tears that had been slowing return with gusto, causing my shoulders to shake. An overwhelming sense of devastation surges through my body, increasing the current of emotions I'm feeling.

"Oh God. Oh God," I cry.

Jawaan pulls me into his chest, and a sob shoots from my belly, causing Jawaan to guide me out of the room.

"Ssh. It's gonna be all right, Zurmani. Calm down before you make yourself sick. Come on, baby. Breathe for me. Ssh," Jawaan urges, trying to get me to cut off the loud sobbing I'm doing in the hall outside of the NICU.

Jawaan's voice isn't its usual deep husky timbre, letting me know that he, too, is dealing with some emotions from learning this news.

"I-I lost a baby, which is what led me to this hospital to volunteer. I was getting attached to the baby but never asked God to do this. I-I would never ask him something—oh God. Why—why did she have to die?" I ask, lifting my head and staring into Jawaan's watery eyes.

"While I don't know the answer, I'm learning that God doesn't make any mistakes. We don't and can't understand why God does what He does but I'm learning to trust Him even in my lack of understanding," Jawaan says.

"I'm going to church on Sunday because God and I need to talk on His turf," I say with a small smile.

"Trust me, God doesn't always wait for you to come to His turf. No matter how small or big, a conversation with Him can happen anywhere, not just inside a church, so waiting forSunday seems pointless. How about we go to the chapel? We can talk to Him together."

Nodding wordlessly, I allow Jawaan to shift our positions and lay my head on his shoulder before we head to the elevator.

"Did we just become parents?" I ask when I enter the elevator car, and my stomach hardens at the reminder of what's happening.

"I think so. This is wild. First comes my lady and now a baby. God seems determined to prove that He doesn't play about me."

"Or telling you that He's indeed playing with you," I say, smirking.

"Hm. We're about to find out because praying about this situation is necessary. Our lives are about to change. I didn't know we would have to maneuver this situation while securing your position in my life. You need to come to the crib when we leave here because you and Cleo will have to become fast friends. My girl can be moody, and I can't afford for you to push her buttons when she doesn't understand you're trying to take her place."

"I'm not a fan of big dogs, Jawaan. Maybe when Little Man leaves the hospital, he should live with me. We don't want your moody dog acting a fool."

"Hm. Let's add this to our prayer requests when we get to this chapel. Since God dropped this in our lap, He's gonna have to help us figure it all out."

Ain't that the truth because you caught me off guard with this one, God. I didn't see it coming at all. Wow!

Two DaysLater

Journal Entry #4

How in the world did God set me up with a baby? Like, for real. Me... the man struggling to keep up appearances while acting like I'm not working through some heavy trauma. Now, God, I know you are omniscient, but You're gonna have to give me some type of clarity with this one. What are you doing right now? I have been focused on getting Zurmani comfortable with me so I can have someone to give me purpose and a reason to live. How did I go from that to being set up to raise a child with her? This is crazy. A baby, God? Me... a father? Nobody has felt like I've been worthy of anything my entire life. How did a woman I've never seen or met deem me qualified to raise her child? What will people say if my history ever comesto light? I can't afford any backlash or ridicule from the naysayers. Why God?

Bzz. Bzz.

Kyce:

Clearly, we need to pop up again because your lying ass ain't come over yet.

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