Page 34 of Counting His heartbeats

Kayshon:

Then the nigga had the nerve to change his codes so we can't go up in his crib. Little bro, I'm not sure what's crawled up your ass but drink some MiraLAX and stop tripping.

Uncontrollable laughter leaves my mouth while reading the messages in the group text from my brothers. I typed out a response for the first time in I don't know how long.

Me:

Awe, let me find out you niggas are lost without me. Oh, and Kyce, I'm calling your pastor because I'm sure he wouldn't be okay with you still cussing like this. Kayshon, leave the comedy to me, big bro.

Before I could close out of the thread, another message popped up on the screen, and I laughed again.

Kyce:

Well, praise God from whom all blessings flow. The prodigal son has returned, and for this God, I give you praise. *praying hands emoji* *Black man running emoji*

Me:

What is the running man supposed to be?

Kyce:

Me shouting, duh. Get saved, little bro.

Kayshon:

Where the fuck have you been, little nigga? Disappearing ain't how we move.

Tightness in my chest causes me to grimace while staring at Kayshon's message because it's clear he's not in a joking mood. So much has been going on that I'm unsure how to answer. I also don't need either of my brothers to worry any more than they already have. Settling on something to say that'll appease them, I type my response.

Me:

Following in your footsteps... I'm seeing Letitia. The rest is irrelevant, but I'll be at Sunday dinner with my lady.

Kyce:

*wide eye emoji*

Kayshon:

Well, I'll be damned. See you Sunday, little nigga.

That Afternoon

"How does a man who was discarded twice wind up becoming a father to a child he didn't help bring into this crazy-ass world? Not to mention, the baby is a boy. I'm a flawed and scarred man. What can I teach him?"

Holding my head in my hands, I struggle to process what's about to become my reality. Calming Zurmani came easily because I'm used to faking it to make it in the presence of others, but bringing Letitia up to speed has me pondering a lot.

"That's what most people don't understand... parenting isn't something you can learn from a book or another parent. Most parents are flawed and some are even scarred from the things in their past. There isn't a blueprint or manual I can give you to ease you into this situation. You can teach him the things you never received... unconditional, unrelenting, selfless, heartwarming, impactful... love," Letitia explains, causing me to lift my head to focus on her.

"Is love enough, though?"

A bright smile upturns Letitia's lips, instantly brightening her entire countenance and causing a lopsided grin to form on my lips.

"I believe the love you feel already for this child is the reason you're sitting here stewing over how you can prevent repeating the cycles you were incapable of controlling in your life."

"You know what's crazy? From the first day, my heart tethered itself to Little Man. I had no idea that God would see fit to bless me like this, especially after—" My words stall in my throat at the memory now invading my mind.

"After what? Don't hold on to it. These sessions aim to work through the things that plague you."

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