Page 4 of Counting His heartbeats

"Ooh, you nosy and wrong for that," I say, laughing.

"Mhm. I might be, but I'm never without a plan. Come on, I've been craving that dip since I got here and saw the stuff for it." Pulling my arm, Evie guides me toward the kitchen like a woman on a mission.

An Undetermined Time Later

"What's up, Nae Boogie?" Zion greets me once the call connects, causing a bright smile to slide into place after hearing the nickname from my big brother.

Zion and I are four years apart, and I love him for never treating me like a nuisance or anything. Having a big brother used to bother me because of the heavy way he kept me guarded and protected. Yet, I now understand that some women don't have someone in their corner to keep safe or call on for anything. Although I have Evie and Jamaica, Zion is my confidante and the person I go to if I have something heavy to sort through. Zion is heavy in church, so he keeps me spiritually grounded, which I love.

"Hey, brudder," I respond, giggling because I know how much Zion hates the name.

"Grow up, sis. What's up with you, though? Everything cool?"

The lightness in his tone has warmth spreading throughout my body at Zion's ability to be consistent in his efforts to check on my well-being.

"All is well. How are you? Mom said you were out of town for work."

"Your mama stays spreading my business. Yeah, I'm at this conference for two weeks, and since the weather is nice, I'm not complaining. I miss my bed, though."

"Oh, she's my mama now, huh?"

A slight smirk upturns my lips when a low chuckle sounds through the receiver because neither of us claims our mother when she does things we don't like or agree with.

"Anyway, so check it. I was praying, and your name dropped in my spirit, which isn't weird, but it made me wonder if you were dealing with something you hadn't told me. Do you need to catch me up on anything?"

Biting my bottom lip, I ponder the thoughts I've been thinking and couldn't communicate to my girlfriends when theywere here. I'm not sure if it's because I'm single again, but I have been feeling unfulfilled and don't know what to do with my emotions.

"Talk to me, Nae Boogie. I can sense your wrestling with something due to your weighty silence," Zion probes.

Talking to Zion has always been easy, but this weight is one I have been carrying in silence for a while, and sharing it means that I have to deal with it.

Yes, dealing with it will allow you to heal from it. Say it out loud.

"I had a miscarriage," I whisper, and pain radiates across my chest from the burden I have been holding.

"Jesus!" Zion lowly hisses.

Silence stretches through the phone, and it causes me to release the first tear I didn't allow myself to shed a month ago. What Evie and Jamaica didn't know is that the real reason I broke things off with Aldis was because the STD he gave me caused me to lose the baby I didn't realize I was carrying. Two days after learning about the STD, I had to go to the emergency room due to intense cramping and bleeding. The devastating news of finding out I was in the midst of a miscarriage made me realize that the loss of my baby would also be the end of the toxicity I'd been subjecting myself to. I called Aldis from my phone while lying in bed after getting a DNC, breaking it off with him without providing a reason.

In fact, all I said was that it wasn't him. It was me, which hadn't been a lie. Breaking up with Aldis was entirely for me because, in that moment, I knew I wanted more for myself. Love should never send you to seek medical attention with such impactful results two days in a row.

"I'm sorry, sis. What do you need?" Zion asks, cutting into my thoughts, causing me to wipe my face clean of the slow-moving water coming from my eyes.

"To know that God isn't punishing me. To feel like it wasn't my fault. To-to—" I stop speaking when the lump in my throat seems to spread throughout my esophagus, preventing me from uttering another word.

My lips tremble, tears flow rapidly, and my shoulders sag, causing me to hang my head, fighting the urge to sob uncontrollably. The thoughts I have been analyzing when my house becomes silent and day transitions to night are what's keeping me from truly dealing with my loss. A part of me feels like losing my baby was God's way of punishing me for doing something, although I have no idea what. The other part of me feels like I should have left Aldis two years ago when the rumor mill hit my social media inbox with hints of his cheating.

"Psalm 50:15 is a reminder for you that there is no trial or dilemma that God can't pull you out of or see you through. The first thing I need you to do is stop playing the blame game. In times of sorrow, in times of joy, in times of question, in times of grief, the bible says to cast your cares on the Lord, for He careth for you. Let Him mend the fracture of your heart. I don't have the answers or the why, but you didn't do anything, and God isn't punishing you either. You're gonna make it through this, Nae Boogie. I'm here for whatever you need, okay?"

Nodding wordlessly, I wipe my face when my tears slow and attempt to process Zion's words, feeling slightly better than I have been.

"When I get back, I'm pulling up on you so I can smother you with my body weight. I hate that you're going through this when I'm not in town. Have you told Mom or Dad?"

"N-no. Please don't. One day, I will, but right now... only you know, and I want to leave it that way," I hoarsely say.

The raw emotion within my vocal cords makes my voice sound like someone who’s having a tube removed from their mouth. Fatigue settles within my body, instantly draining meand causing me to get sleepy. A yawn escapes my mouth, and the desire to climb into my bed makes a plea for me to succumb to the subtle nudge from my brain.

"I love you, Nae Boogie. I got you, and I'm here for whatever."

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