Page 51 of Counting His heartbeats

Journal Entry #5

Man, I have been in a state of bliss ever since my son came home from the hospital. It's crazy how I never thought I would be in this position after the many ways life tried to make me give up, not to mention my woman is best friends with someone who shares my blood. If I haven't learned how to do anything, I've learned how to hide from my reality in public. The evidence of my bloodline cutting all ties with me is Jamaica, only knowing me as Zurmani's man.

For that reason, I will never mention our connection to anyone because we aren't family in any shape or form. Jennifer and Jared saw to that, so I refused to change the narrative they set without my input. Gratefully for me, Jamaica and I don't share the same last name, so my ruse will never be in jeopardy. Most might think it's crazy workto hold on to a name given by criminals, yet for me, it's the only name I've ever associated with. Just like Jennifer and Jared, Sheryl and Zack will never be a part of my life, which is something that no longer haunts or disturbs my peace. Thanks to Rema Gardner, I had too many other things that did.

A Spivey I have never been but a Young I will forever be. Now I've gotta figure out how to get Zurmani to agree to take on my name. God, I'm gonna need your help with this one. I love this woman with every fiber of my being, but can I possibly be tainting her and our son with my mess? I know you said you were removing the stains of my past, but does it include my reaction to those things? What about my clingy nature? Will I have to worry about Zurmani getting tired of me and leaving like everyone else?

?

I'll just breathe.

I'll inhale, I'll exhale.

?

"Thank you, God. Thank you, God."Tears flow so heavily from my eyes that I have to pull over on the freeway. "Inhale. Exhale. Revive Us. Until we're better," I sing along with the radio, feeling an overwhelming peace flowing through my body like I've never experienced before.

I'm on my way to the church to see if I can catch Pastor Reese and get some advice from him. Unlike Kyce and Kayshon, I haven't been consistent with counseling sessions, which have nothing to do with Letitia and her skills. There's just something about Pastor Reese that draws me to connect myself with a spiritual healing that can eradicate the things that have bound me. Rema Gardner did a number on me, but my issues started long before her, which had me in a place only God could reach. Counselors are great, but I needed divine intervention, especially given my responses to what I've been through.

?

He'll give you strength for the journey.

Strength for the journey.

?

The song continues, causing me to sing like I'm at the live recording with the artists instead of my car's interior on the side of the freeway. I've been enjoying discovering new gospel songs because I often find myself connecting to the message within the lyrics. I heard this particular song a while ago, but today, I'm feeling the impact of the lyrics. Wiping my face, I shift my gaze to the radio to learn the artist and song title. "Yahweh"by Jason Nelson featuring Melvin Crispell III.

"Another banger to add to my growing playlist." Once I've regained my composure, I pull back into the lane nearest me to continue my journey.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," I voice, entering Pastor Reese's office twenty minutes later.

There, in the office with Pastor Reese, is none other than Dr. Letitia Baxter. My brows hike, and my forehead wrinkles because I didn't expect to see Letitia here, so I'm unsure how to proceed.

"Hello, Jawaan," Letitia greets me.

"H-hey, Letitia. I wasn't expecting you here. Are you spying on me?"

"Not at all. The Pastor and I are related, so we're just catching up. I can leave if you'd like," Letitia offers, preparing to stand.

Wow, talk about a small world. I would have never guessed their connection.

"Nah, if Pastor Reese doesn't mind, neither do I."

At this point, I might as well get a two-for-one special.

"It's completely fine with me. What can I do for you, Jawaan?" Pastor Reese says, extending his hand to the empty chair next to Letitia before resting his arms on his chair and staring at me intently.

"Zurmani and I are now the proud parents of a baby boy?—"

"Oh wow," Letitia declares, and I smirk because she hasn't been aware of the things happening since my last session.

"I know. My bad," I tell Letitia before continuing with my information sharing. "I'm basking in the great things about being a father, but I need to work through something. Or should I say I need to receive prayer so I can progress through something?"

For the next fifteen minutes, I bring Pastor Reese up to speed on my past so he will have enough information to pray when the time comes.

"Wow. Young man, you have quite the backstory, but what's plaguing your spirit today?" Pastor Reese asks.

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