Page 52 of Counting His heartbeats

"I want to marry Zurmani, but I'm scared she'll leave me like everyone else to whom I've given a piece of my heart. I have a horrible case of FOMU... fear of messing up the best blessingGod has sent my way. It took Kyce finding Masani for me to realize that I had nobody. When Kayshon found Ashari, how could I get excited about finding the one for me when life has been so cruel? Now that I have our son, I'm worried even more because his beginning was rocky. He lost his birth mother, and I lost the woman I assumed was mine. Now that I think about it, maybe that's why I felt connected to him. I could empathize with his struggle."

I stop talking, letting my thoughts swim in my mind while I piece together what I want to say next.

"Where are these feelings coming from?" Letitia asks, breaking into the silence before Pastor Reese can interject.

The constant contradictions of my emotions are why I'm here. One minute I'm confident in the positive changes in my life, but then, a thought will hit my mind, which causes me to spiral. It's crazy how much destruction trauma can cause a person, even when they're making strides to stop tormenting themselves with it.

"When I was seven and new to the Gardner household, I tried to drown myself because nobody took time to check on the little boy who lost everything. I wasn't old enough to process what was going on. Kyce and Kayshon were sleeping while Rema, Humphrey, and three other people engaged in sexual acts I didn't understand at my age. I went from love to hate to sex without anyone warning me that the battles didn't end when Sheryl and Zack got arrested. Now, here I am, excited about the opportunity to finally erase my scars and forge a new road, but I'm so scared something will go wrong. I have always been the man people expect to entertain them through the jokes I occasionally provide. Yet, I have never been the man worthy of being present for, and I mean present in love, understanding, and action... until Zurmani. Can my solemn mood become too much for Zurmani to bear and carry? In the sanctuary of myhome, humor isn't my focus, being raw, transparent, and—" My words get clogged in my throat, forcing me to stop talking, and I close my eyes, feeling a heavy weight resting on my shoulders.

"I hear God saying," Pastor Reese says, causing my breath to hitch, and I lift my head with a weary expression. "Jeremiah 1:5 says: Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee: and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. While He hasn't given me direct knowledge of your place in His kingdom, he does want you to know that even in the midst of every trial... He knew you. Even in the midst of all the times you felt rejected... He knew you. Not only did He know you, but He saw this present moment. He loves you with an everlasting love, and His will for your life can't be changed, nor can it be explained."

My bottom lip quivers and my eyes become misty as I try to stare into Pastor Reese's penetrating gaze. It feels like he's speaking to the depth of my soul, and I'm unable to move or speak. Yet, I don't have to because Pastor Reese continues speaking in an authoritative and commanding tone that vibrates off the walls of this office.

"Take comfort in this... God didn't send Zurmani so she would become another person to destroy you. God sent Zurmani to aid in restoring you to your full potential. Zurmani has been ordained to represent God's agape love toward you. While Zurmani won't always get it right, she won't fail you because she was chosen by God to mend the broken pieces within you. There is absolutely no failure in God. You can take Him at His word. You can also breathe... God is covering you."

Pastor Reese pushes away from his desk before standing and walking toward me, which instantly increases my heart rate. Movement from my right alerts me to Letitia coming closer, and insurmountable heat hits the back of my neck.

"I wouldn't be the man of God I am if I didn't seal His word with prayer. When you leave this office today, you will leave every seed of doubt, self-sabotage, word curse, and everything else the enemy is attempting to plague you with. God said no good thing will He withhold from you. Let's pray," Pastor Reese declares.

I'm unable to prevent or stall the steady stream of water flowing like a slow-streaming faucet coming from my eyes. Getting a chance to experience Zurmani's love and have a glimpse of my future has me desperate to secure my blessings. Coming to see Pastor Reese was necessary because Zurmani, Jalil, and I will be leaving for vacation at the end of next week. There's no way I can leave the city feeling this heavy and torn. Nothing but bonding, love, and memories will have a place in the space the three of us will have outside this city.

"Most Holy and wise God, today we're here to seal in the blessings You have already begun working in Jawaan's life. Wrap Your hands around Jawaan tight enough to suffocate the inner strife within him. Let him know that with You, all things are possible. Give assurance that the manifestation of the good thing You have in store for him is here. Comfort his mind, strengthen his trust, anchor his faith in You because there is no failure in You."

"God, we trust you, believe you, and love you for being sovereign. We cancel the enemy's assignment that will speak negatively against Your word concerning Jawaan and his family. We come against every attack of Jawaan's mind. Satan, we serve notice on you by the authority of the Holy Ghost that though the weapon forms, it won't prosper. Jawaan is blessed. Jawaan is free in his mind. Jawaan is whole. Even now, God, we come into agreement that Jawaan will have the things You purposed for his life. In the matchless name of Jesus, we pray. Amen."

"I am troubled yet not distressed. Perplexed but not in despair. I'm a vessel full of power, with a treasure, none can compare," Zurmani sings while running her fingers through my dreads.

I'm lying in Zurmani's lap and have been since coming home from my meeting with Pastor Reese. The minute Zurmani saw me entering the living room where she was watching TV, she patted her lap without uttering a word. After shedding some of the weight from my shoulders with Pastor Reese, I'm unable to communicate my needs. Yet, this moment between Zurmani and me lets me know that she is well able to handle me no matter the storms seeking to overwhelm me. Initially, the only sound in the room was from whatever she'd been watching, but now her vocals might soothe me into slumber. Jalil is peacefully resting beside the table in front of the couch and my mind settles from the tranquility filling the room.

"Persecuted but not forsaken. Cast down, but not destroyed," Zurmani continues singing without pausing or slowing the caress she's providing to my scalp.

I have never been in this position with a woman before her, but man am I relishing the safety I feel in Zurmani's lap.

"Hey," Zurmani calls, causing my droopy eyes to shift to her face where she's watching me.

"Hm."

"I want you to know that no matter how cold it gets out there, you can always find solace with me," she assures me, pausing her caress long enough to point behind us.

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. This is your good thing. My favor is already resting upon you.

"Come here," I huskily request.

The tingles and warmth spreading through my body from Zurmani's declaration have me desperately trying to throttle the dizzying current racing through me. Zurmani has unlocked my heart and soul in a way I've never seen, experienced, or expected, but I'm grateful. The smoldering flame shining within Zurmani's gaze causes me to wet my dry lips when her head lowers toward me. The closer she gets to my lips, the more my blood pressure accelerates, making me feel like I'm on the cusp of something powerful.

"Mm," I unconsciously moan the minute Zurmani's lips land on mine.

My chest feels like it's been hit with jumper cables the minute Zurmani's tongue pries open my mouth and deepens the kiss.

Well damn, Zurmani, you better kiss your man like you love him.

Sucking on Zurmani's tongue, I try to memorize the feelings coursing through my body the longer our exploration and lip lock go. My body heats, causing my blood to run with gusto to my lower region, hardening my dick. Reaching up, I grip Zurmani's head, holding it in place and enjoying this moment before breaking our lip lock.

"I think we sh?—"

"Wh-wh-whaa."

"You know what, his little ass better be glad he's too young to leave with your parents because I ain't feeling his desire to keep me out of my pussy. Talk to your son, Tigress." Shaking my head, I get up from the couch, rolling my eyes at Jalil's bassinet on my out of the room.

---