Page 6 of Counting His heartbeats

"Can I share something God is saying to me, baby?" Mama Lo asks in a tone full of hesitation and uncertainty, causing my palms to perspire.

Swallowing and nodding, a low, humorless chuckle escapes my lips when I realize Mama Lo isn't able to see the gesture.

"Y-yes," I shakily agree.

"The things in your past can't forestall the great things God has planned for your future. God wants me to tell you that just like in Jeremiah 29:11, He knows the thoughts that He thinks toward you... thoughts of peace, not evil, to give you an expected end. Your expected end has already been planned and set in place for you. No matter how many storms rise against you, God graced you to overcome them. God has established you. God has an expected end for you. Remember that even in the eye of a storm, God has graced you to come out of it stronger, wiser, and better than when you went in. Trust that His ways are not your ways. His thoughts are not your thoughts. Trust Him to strengthen you and see you through every trial, tribulation, andobstacle, no matter how deep in the trenches they might push you. Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world."

My lip trembles, and my leg bounces while my mind swirls with the things coming from Mama Lo's mouth. It's crazy that she would mention being inside of a storm because it's how I feel, and I didn't tell her that. The water resting on the lid of my eyes slowly falls, and I hang my head, causing silence to stretch between us. I can't utter a word, so I allow my tears to flow without attempting to block or stop them.

"I don't know where you are, but God is saying it's time for you to stop hiding. He said to tell you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and come out of the darkness. You shall live, Jawaan. Death can't have you. Your brothers will not bury you. God says He is about to remove the stain and the sting of your past. He knew you before you were formed in your mother's womb, and He loves you with an everlasting love." Mama Lo's voice elevates with words before her language changes into an unknown tongue, causing me to weep uncontrollably.

Seconds become endless minutes with me holding the phone to my ear while listening to Mama Lo speaking in only a language God and Heaven can comprehend. I'm frozen in place, my tears consuming, and my body feels lighter the longer Mama Lo continues. The cloud of darkness, mental anguish, and torment I've been experiencing for the length of time I've been in this hotel begins to clear. I feel like I can breathe easier, and for the first time in weeks, I don't feel the urge to end my life.

"God says all is well, baby. I want you to do me a favor, though. Will you?" Mama Lo asks an unknown time later.

"Yes, ma'am," I say without hesitation.

"Come by my house when you leave wherever you are. I need to give you something."

"Yes, ma'am. I will."

"Okay. I'll see you soon, and Jawaan?"

"Yes."

"You're not alone. I love you." With that, Mama Lo disconnects the call, and I get up from the floor I've been sitting on for countless hours before heading to the bathroom to shower so I can get dressed and return to my life.

A Week Later

"I guess you missed being in the safety of your home, huh?" I ask Cleo.

My poor girl didn't know she was on the brink of being abandoned at the doggy daycare facility I took her to before going to Columbus. Or maybe she did, which is why she's been smothering me since I picked her up after leaving Mama Lo's house. Today is the first day I'm home because even after returning to Ribax, I checked into a pet-friendly hotel since I hadn't been ready to return to my house. Even doing so today, I entered the street from the opposite direction so I could reach my house without being seen by Kyce, Kayshon or their wives. Dodging my brothers is best for me because I'm not yet ready to answer questions regarding my distance, disappearance, or anything else going on with me.

Kyce and Kayshon are married with wives and, in Kyce's case, babies to worry about, so it's time for me to figure out my life without bothering them. So, for now, I will stay away until I'm strong enough to communicate or answer any inquiries they might have. I also asked Mama Lo to keep our conversation and interaction between us so neither Kyce nor Kayshon feels some type of way about me speaking with Mama Lo and not them.

"Cleo, home," I command, smiling when Cleo trots to her kennel after licking my hand.

Once I secure Cleo in her home, I head to the garage so I can make a quick store run since I need supplies and groceries after being gone for a little while. The first thing I did when I got home was clean and sanitize my house from top to bottom, then burn some candles to remove the stale smell in the air. Unbeknownst to Kyce or Kayshon, I changed the code on my doors and garage, removing their access to my house. I'll check my security feeds when I come back from the store because one or both of them have been by my home during my absence, because they have attempted to call and text.

"Damn," I mutter, backing out of my garage when my eyes connect with Masani, causing me to put my finger to my lips, hoping she understands my silent plea.

A breath leaves my lips when Masani nods subtly before entering her and Kyce's house, allowing me to head off our street in the opposite direction. Turning onto the connecting street leading me to the main road, I turn up the radio before singing along with the song echoing around the interior.

"Trust Him, believe Him. Never doubt Him. Never doubt Him, no. Though they slay — now that's the part of the song I might have a problem with, God. That's a lot of faith, and your boy is lacking in that area. Heck, trusting people is why I'm struggling to get my life in order now," I vent.

The race isn't given to the swift nor the strong but to the one who endures until the end. You have to walk with assurance that no matter the battle, I am able to see you through it. Trust in Me.

"I'm trying," I whisper.

I know. Help is coming.

Pulling into the parking lot of the local grocery stores, I find a spot and exit my vehicle, hoping I can grab what I need and return home without incident. Grabbing a cart, I enter the store and head toward the produce, although my list doesn't requiremy presence there. My eyes bounce around the produce for no reason before pushing the cart out of the aisle.

"Shit," I say, colliding with another shopper when I attempt to enter the next entrance.

"Well, if it isn't my baby," a familiar female voice says, instantly causing the hairs on my arms to stand. I look into a pair of brown orbs I wish I could forget.

Rema fucking Gardner.

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