Page 147 of You, As You Are

“If this is just to clear your conscience,” he said with a firm edge, “thendon’t. Twenty-six years I was here, and most of thatyou made me feel as though I wasn’t worth the sheep shit on your boot.”

Alun’s eyes were withered and old. “I have … no excuse.”

“I don’t want them. What I want is an apology that I can actually believe.” Iain backed up a step, banking on the fact that he knew he was right. How he was treatedwasn’this fault. He deserved a real apology. “And that won’t happen today.”

Lewis glared at him from under his brows. “Iain?—”

“I’ll give you your chance to say your piece, but it will be on my terms,” Iain cut off his brother’s attempted warning. “If you want my forgiveness then you’re going to have to earn it,” he said to his father, “just like how I strived and failed every day to earn your respect.”

Alun stared at him, a tight expression that said he’d been resigned to enduring this one meeting and one meeting only. Well that wasn’t how it was going to be. Twenty-six years he’d been controlled, and now Iain was taking that power back.

Eventually, his father nodded to his terms.

Iain’s body and mind were strung too tight to start this ‘reconciliation’ today. Too muchchangewas happening all around him: Maisie, his job, and nowthis.

He needed a minute to be certain he wouldn’t fire off a thousand spiteful things, which is why he retraced his steps through the living room, his last words being: “I’ll be back again next Sunday.”

* Yes, I have

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

MAISIE

The antibacterial-smellingtangwouldn’t dissipate no matter how many times Maisie washed her hands, scrubbed her arms, changed her clothes, or sprayed perfume in the half an hour she’d been home. The damn metallic, clinical scent taunted her, making her carry around the constant reminder that today she’d been a terrible granddaughter – this entireweek, in fact.

Orthostatic hypotension, otherwise known as dizziness from standing too quickly, combined with dehydration from yesterday’s hike, today’s steamy morning bath, and a four-hour long binge watch of some new TV show with only shortbread for sustenance – is everything that had apparently contributed to Vera’s fall.

“No signs of a stroke or cardiovascular episode,”the doctor in A&E had said after paramedics strapped Vera onto a backboard with a neck brace – precautionary for the bruise on her forehead and cheekbone – and blue-lighted her the one-minute, round-the-corner trip to the hospital.

The hospital only let one visitor at a time on the ward Vera had been wheeled up to, IV drip in arm. So after two hours, Maisie had come away to let Ronnie stay until the nurses decided to kick him out. Her heart had wrenched when she’dseen him dashing through the corridor – his seventy-three-year-old face crumpled with worry – and she never wanted to have to makethatphone call ever again.

She’s fineis all that passed through her mind as she sat folded forwards on the edge of her sofa, her hair all knotted and snagging every time she stressfully passed her fingers over the curls.

Her phone sat dead on her coffee table. With all of the internet searching she’d done whilst waiting for Vera to be wheeled back to the triage bay after various medical tests; the phone tag she’d been playing between Ronnie, her parents, three brothers;and thenall of the calls that came from every single member of the hiking group after she put text updates in the group chat, Maisie wasn’t surprised that the device had given up.

She had too.

Every part of her ached; her head from all her tears, her heart from all the panic, her shoulder from Vera’s door that at least she now knew acutely was completely secure from forceful intruders. She needed a warm shower and food that didn’t come from a vending machine, coffee that didn’t taste like bitter milk, and a nap. She needed to charge her phone in case Ronnie called with news. Yet everything she needed felt too big of a task when she didn’t even want to move from this seat.

Boots pounded up the stairwell from the downstairs door. Maisie was so drained from the day that she didn’t even startle at the heavy footsteps belonging to the only person she hadn’t given a thought to in the last six hours.

She picked her head up out of her hands and wiped at her raw eyes. Her door wasn’t unlocked so she’d have to open it, knowing who was outside andwhyhe was here. The balls of her feet screamed at her as she stood and went to open it, her fingers touching the cold handle after the pounding began on that, too.

Iain burst through as soon as the door was open wide enough, howling, “Where were you? I needed you there and you never showed up.”

“I couldn’t—” she croaked.

“I fuckingneededyou.”

Maisie detonated. “I’m sorry that you weren’t my first thought when I saw my grandma lying on the floor! I put my familyfirst– I’m sorry.”

Iain wasn’t the only one who had needed her today. As soon as she’d seen Vera on the floor, her other plans hadn’t mattered. They hadn’t even entered her mind.

His features paled, voice cracking when he said, “What?”

Her constant state of being overwhelmed – which hadn’t given her a minute of peace today – rose up again to Maisie’s surface, forming hot tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” she echoed, her lungs expanding quickly.

“Fuck that. Maisie, what happened to Vera?” Iain stepped forwards, moving her inside and shutting the door behind him.

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