Page 150 of You, As You Are

Iain’s whole body vibrated, and where he stood felt so far away. “How am I supposed to have feelings for you and treat you right when my life is on a downhill slope like this? You deserve better than me, Maisie.”

There was no ‘better than him’.

“Would you ever consciously hurt me?” Maisie demanded to know, and her question stunned.

“No, of course not.” Iain’s arms fell to his sides. His voice softened. “Never.”

“Then that’s all I’m asking for.” He let her take his hands – such rough, gentle hands – when she stepped up to him. “I know you’re just protecting yourself, but please stop trying to make something fail before it happens.”

He could keep on trying to push her away as much as he wanted, but Maisie would never give up on him. To look at him so distraught was torture.

Iain’s eyes held the emotion he wanted to give up on. “I want to be someone worthy of your attention, Maisie,” he said. “I need to fix my problems before I can think of committing to someone again.”

“So take a risk!”God,she was so fed up with him saying how bored he was and doing nothing about it. The floodgates opened on everything she’d held back. “You want a new job, but you won’t leave the one you have. You want colour and adventure, but you won’t move. You want your dad to be a better one, but you won’t ever talk to him. Decide what you want, Iain. And if that’s not me then tell me before you break my heart.”

When Maisie ended her speech, she was panting.

A long line formed between Iain’s brows. “Why should it break?”

Was he really that oblivious? Her chest heaved with the exertion of trying to make him understand. “Because it’s already yours.”

The silence wasn’t nice. It wasn’t comfortable or cute.

Iain broke his gaze away first. “I was going to give this to you today.” He took a box out of his pocket and held it out to her. Whiplashed from the change in direction, Maisie took the box without knowing what she’d done. “Wait until I’m gone.”

In three seconds, he was.

Just like that.

No goodbye. No explanation.

Maisie’s limbs weakened as she was left alone. Falling back onto her sofa, she let out a sob that rolled into another.

It wasn’t as if Iain walking away when things got serious wasn’t what she’d expected, was it? He hadn’t changed – she couldn’tfixhim. And she couldn’t force him to be with her if he didn’t plan on still being there in a year, because if he did then she would stay.

She would choosehim.

She chose him now without any pretence.

So she let the hiccupping tears that rattled her chest come until her throat was sore. It was just her luck, wasn’t it? That she’d carve her heart out and offer it up as it still bled, only for it to be turned away.

She’d known him and listened to him for long enough now to see that he was just scared of his past repeating itself. Maybe she should be feeling the same way too. Maybe she shouldn’t be such a hopeless romantic and be more cynical like Iain; after her experience of being let go, she didn’t know why she wasn’t. Her only comfort was that he at least sounded as torn as she was inside. All of his walls she’d helped to bring down had risen back up instantly.

The little card box rattled in her lap when she moved to grab a fistful of tissues from the coffee table.

Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to open it so soon; the rest of this day might hurt a little less if she left it for another.

But there was something in Iain’s voice when he’d told her to wait that was like a siren calling her out to sea. After that entire argument, he’d still wanted her to have what was inside this box.

Wiping her cheeks as dry as she would get them tonight, she opened the lid and let out another sob.

Inside, the crocheted penguin teddy was no bigger than her finger, and the pebble that sat beside it was perfectly uneven – grey with flecks of blue and white like the tablets of constellations they’d lifted to the sky.

“Did you know that when male penguins fall in love, they search for the perfect pebble and give it to the female?”

“I didn’t.”

He’d done all of this for her.

---