Page 74 of The Suitcase Swap

Rahul: When do we get to meet her?

Amaya: Barney needs a grandma. I’m worried about the lack of a good older female role model in his life. They grow up so quick, Dad, and without good role models, he could turn to a life of crime. My Barney won’t make it in the nick! He’s too sensitive.

Rahul: How much coffee have you had today?

Amaya: The perfect amount.

Mike set his head onto his desk. Where had he gone wrong? His phone started to buzz continuously, a call coming through. Amaya had probably got tired of waiting for him to respond and called. He answered without looking at it. ‘Barney does not need a grandma, and no one is going to prison, you invasive little goblin. I regret educating you – you only use it against me.’

‘I take it your children are badgering you again?’

Mike sat bolt upright in his chair. ‘Sophie!’ Great. Just great. He’d probably not only sounded unwell, but like someone who was a complete bell end to his children. ‘Sorry – it’s a joke. I don’t actually think those things and my children know I’m kidding.’

Sophie laughed. ‘I never thought otherwise, though I’d love some context for some of that later. I was calling to see what you’re doing tonight?’

Mike frowned at his calendar, which was depressingly full. ‘Depends on what time you’re thinking.’

‘My neighbour Manny is helping with a fundraiser tonight and a few of his volunteers are ill. Any chance you want to help support the senior centre? We’d have to be there no later than six.’

He should tell her no. He had a lot of work to do, and work came first. Or at least it had for the past ten or so years. And where had that got him? He looked at his schedule again.

Fuck it.

‘Send me the address. I’ll make it there as close to six as I can.’

Sophie made a happy noise. ‘Oooh, thank you! I’ll text you the details when I get off the phone.’ She paused. ‘Thank you in advance. For tonight. Also for last night.’

‘The pleasure’s mine on both counts.’ He hung up after they’d said their goodbyes, finding a few missed messages from his children, mostly more good-natured bickering.

Mike: She said I looked handsome in the shirt and just called to see what I was doing tonight.

Rahul: Yes, chicken for the win!

Noah: Pretty sure shirt for the win.

Amaya: Yes, that’s how you win a lady’s heart – chicken and shirts. You’ve unlocked the secret. We are simple creatures, but alas, not that simple.

Mike: She’s right. It was probably the cheese plate.

Mike thought it might also be the orgasms, but once again opted out of sharing that particular detail.

Amaya: You made a cheese plate? Excellent choice. No wonder she wants another date. Where are you going? Are you doing something fun?

Mike: She’s helping out her neighbour who’s running some sort of fundraiser at a local senior centre. So nothing too exciting. Probably a silent auction or something.

Maybe it sounded on the duller side to his children, but Mike didn’t think it mattered what he and Sophie did – he always had fun with her. She’d make the evening entertaining no matter what.

With that mindset, Mike was woefully unprepared for what greeted him in the cafeteria of the senior centre. He had not expected the music, the disco ball or the frankly irresponsible number of vodka jelly shots lined up in little plastic containers creating their own poor-decisions rainbow. He probably could have anticipated the tables and chairs, but not the penis-shaped confetti covering the nearest one. He had also not expected to find Manny, Sophie’s intimidating neighbour, dressed like a ringmaster, his face in full make-up, which included a great deal of blue glitter.

‘Oh good, you’re here,’ Manny said, rushing towards him. ‘How are you with crowd control?’

‘What,’ Mike said slowly, as he tried to take it all in, ‘is happening?’

Manny herded him towards the back of the room, talking as he went. ‘Didn’t Sophie tell you? It’s Drag Queen Bingo.’

Mike peered down at Manny. ‘I will admit that I don’t know much about being a drag queen, but I thought they usually dressed as women.’

Manny’s blue-glitter eyebrows bunched together. ‘What? Oh, it’s not me. I’d make a terrible drag queen. I’m more of an assistant. I help Dazzle with the sound and whatever else she needs. Look, I really appreciate the help. Bingo is a huge draw and a big money-maker for the senior centre – it pays for a lot of the programmes they offer. Myabuelagoes here, so it means a lot.’

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