Page 115 of The Beast's Heart

“Well, that’s a shame.” I get to my feet and pull my suit trousers straight. “That’s a great shame because I’m pretty fucking hurt.” I scrape a hand through my hair. “I’m sorry, I need to be alone right now. Tell the children… make up something, I’m sure that won’t be a problem.”

I head inside. I don’t look back.

I lie in the dark for hours, staring at the canopy above my bed. I don’t even remove the suit. My stomach churns and my chest clenches as memories come unbidden.

Ben’s little voice.“Why can’t we stay?”

Mal and his mementos.

And Adam. Every time he told me without telling me. He told me the very first time we fought, when he was so adamant about how to raise them. He told me after he found Mal at Lloyd’s piano and he accidentally let the word ‘my’ slip, and before the Monopoly game when he said it and didn’t correct himself. He told me in his greenhouse, when he introduced his ‘other’ children. He told me in his office, when he used the word father. He told me when he confessed his fears in the firelight the nightof that big storm. He has told me every way except in the way that mattered.

For months we’ve been playing house, playing at being parents. Only, for him it was real. It was real and he didn’t tell any of us. Not even me.

No.

You have to be the only adult on that godforsaken estate who doesn’t know.

Meredith knew. Ray knew. Angus and Lily-Iris must also have known. Geoff knew. It wasonlyme who was left in the dark. Not a co-parent. A fool.

What am I to him? What can I possibly mean to him if he could trust everyone with this except me?

The pager beeps again.Not now.I blot at my eyes with my sleeve and check. It’s a phone number. The very last thing I want right now is to watch Geoff’s face as he’s strutting around New York.What could he possibly want? To gloat?

I roll over onto my stomach. Another beep. Same number. He’s really adamant.

I pull myself to my feet and go to find out what he wants.

In the dark control room, I make the call on autopilot, choosing to keep it voice only.If Geoff wants to gloat, I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing my puffy face.

“Jonathan?”

It’s not Geoff’s voice that answers. It’s Zane.

47

ADAM

My first reaction isn’t anger. I make a vague note of that as I watch Jonathan walk away. That’s some sort of psychological victory, though it doesn’t feel like it.

No, the emotion that crashes into me in a giant wave is despair. And instead of violently pushing it away, I let it wash over me. This is my fault. I deserve this. Everything he said was right. I can’t even be angry that Geoff was the one to tell him. I had plenty of time, but I was a coward and now I must pay the price.

I take a moment to compose myself. Then I head back inside to do the job that must be done.Game face on.

Enrique is covered in chocolate, his face more chocolate than not. He runs to me, waving a strawberry on a stick and vocalizing.

I manage a smile for him. “Yes, I know. Chocolate fountain’s pretty neat huh?”

He passes me the sticky kabab and then runs back for more. The strawberry already has a bite out of it.

My heart expands and contracts so sharply it sends a shock through me. Because Belle should be here. Belle should be receiving half eaten, abandoned sweets.

Ray waves from where he’s standing by the offending fountain with Alisha. Something in my expression must give me away because his face falls. As Enrique rejoins Alisha, no doubt smearing chocolate on her lovely dress, Ray saunters over.

“Talk not go so well?”

I shake my head. I don’t trust myself to say more. Besides, there’s work to do. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s compartmentalizing. I shove all thoughts of Belle down in a mental box and get up on the stage in front of the cameras to record the remaining footage.

Later, after I’ve put the kids to bed with Lily-Iris’s help and have let myself get talked into doing story time, I go down to the parlor and pour myself a drink. I will my imaginary Lloyd to join me, but he’s giving me the silent treatment. Serves me right.

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