Page 39 of The Beast's Heart

In the end, he determined that he did. We returned to his hotel room and, after the fact, the first words out of his mouth were, “Oh dear.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked, still hovering over him.

He turned his head into the pillow, flushed and beautiful. “That was quite extraordinary.”

“That’s a problem?”

“It will be if you don’t want to do this again.”

“Fortunately,” I said, “I do.”

“Are you out yet? At work?” he asked.

“No.”

“We’ll have to keep it secret, then,” he said.

And we did. We saw each other whenever we were in the same city, and we tried to arrange to spend time in New York whenever we could. For three years, our relationship developed in secret and then, one morning when we were together in the New York apartment, Lloyd brought me coffee, the newspaper and a proposal.

The newspaper stated that gay marriage was now legal in Canada.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” I asked.

He climbed onto my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck. “I want to make you mine. I want a big house and ten children— no, fifteen. Fifteen children. I can raise them while you go out and fight.”

“You could do so much better than me,” I said.

He knew about the parties, the brawls, all the shit I was getting up to. He’d read all the tabloids and we’d argued about them more than once.

But on that morning, he’d cupped my cheek and pressed his forehead to mine. “I am far from perfect,mon cher. But we fit together. We should take advantage while we can.”

Lloyd was always so clear about what he wanted, so certain. Right up until the end. He wanted this place, a grand castle in Scotland where he could compose without distraction. He wanted the charity. “We both have a responsibility to do what we can to help,” he said. He wanted the wallpaper and the flooring and the light fixtures and the piano and the ballroom and theartwork alljust so. And somehow, he wanted me. Somehow, I was meant to fit into all of that.

But the more fame I garnered, the more I could make being on the road. There’s no off season in wrestling. I felt like I had to take advantage of my fifteen minutes, my time as an upper-card superstar. But those fifteen minutes became fifteen months. I was doing loop after loop, in an endless blur of fighting, drinking and partying.

Meanwhile, Lloyd would compose and work on the house. At first, we’d talk on the phone every night. It was little different from when we were doing long distance. Until it was. Until Lloyd got tired of it. He wanted to settle, to start building our life together. Hadn’t I made enough?

But I was greedy. Next year. One more feud. One more storyline. One more title. I had to take what the promotion was offering. So many guys dreamed of what I had. Our nightly calls became nightly arguments, and some nights I wouldn’t call at all.

I’d always choose the business over everything he had to offer. Always. Until it was too late.

Lloyd believed I could be something else. I had so many opportunities to make that choice. I never did.

Now here I am, surrounded by sleeping children, with Belle, who’s gone quiet. I get to make that choice again, don’t I?

“I’ll try,” I say, so soft it’s mostly just air. But his hopeful gaze lands on me again and I know he heard. “I can’t promise anything, but I suppose I can try.”

16

JONATHAN

Idrift awake warm and content. My cheek is cushioned on something soft, there’s a weight over my middle.Where am I?

I open my eyes and find my pillow is a person. My pillow isAdam. I’m nestled against his side, my head on his shoulder, his arm around me.

I gasp and sit up, dislodging Ben who was spread on his back behind me. He makes a sleepy noise and rolls over. Thank everything that is holy that I was the first to wake, that no one saw that.

My heart is beating rapidly. We weresnuggling. I wassnuggledin Adam’s arms. When did that happen?Howdid that happen?

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