Page 42 of The Beast's Heart

Mal shakes his head, but he’s still looking out at the empty road and the bleak landscape beyond. “You made a mistake.”

“I did?”

“Ben makes sense. He’s bad at writing but he’s all sweet like a little lost prince. They’ll love him. And Alisha makes sense. Specially after she wanted to bring Enrique. She’s smart, and ticks the diversity box and she’ll?—”

“Hold on. Stop.” Is this really how he sees the foundation? “Where did you get this?”

“It’s obvious. You need us to raise money.” He stabs the sand with his stick. “But I’m a mistake.”

“Why would you think that?”

He shrugs.

“Is this about what I said earlier? About people?”

Another shrug.

“It’s true that I need to raise money for the foundation. So I can help kids in care. More kids like you guys. But you’re wrong about my choices. I chose you four because I wanted to give you a chance.”

“Three.”

“Three?”

“You chose three of us. You didn’t choose Enrique.”

I take a deep breath and pinch the bridge of my nose. “Your social worker felt you had potential. All of you. You just needed someone to believe in you.”

He still avoids my gaze. “Is that why you hired Jonathan? Paid someone to believe in us?”

“What? No.I’mthe someone.”

He lifts his eyebrows. The expression is more skeptical than surprised. Jaded already at age 12. He mutters something. I think I hear the word, “mistake” again, but he refuses to repeat what he said and we fall back into uncomfortable silence.

Eventually the truck pulls up and Mal galvanizes. I insist he keeps a good social distance from the men, and he’s happy to interrogate them from afar. The only information I want is when the power will be back, but I don’t manage to get a word in as he learns about transformers and substations and they show him all the melted and damaged bits and pieces, clearly charmed by his enthusiasm. At least he’s learning something today.

Although, when we head back, it’s my heart that’s heavy with new knowledge. Belle was right. It was never my intention,ourintention, that these kids see themselves this way, as… employees, recruited to serve the foundation. How can I change an unfeeling system when I’m just as unfeeling?

Now you’re starting to get it, mon cher,Lloyd’s voice says in my mind.To be a parent, you have to feel. Scary, isn’t it?

I’ve done everything I can toavoid feeling for the last 13 years,I reply, silently.

But you’re starting to feel things now, aren’t you? Finally, the ice is thawing.

I look out at the peaks of the munros. Only tall Ben Nevis is still snow-brushed. I recall Belle’s letter: As winter melts fromthe Scottish peaks and spring sweeps the land with color and warmth, I cannot help but feel envious.

He’s colorful and warm, isn’t he?The Lloyd voice says.

For a moment I let myself imagine that Lloyd did somehow concoct that storm last night, that he arranged so Belle and I would be close together, talking softly. That I’d be walking here with this boy and hear his true concerns. I know it’s just a fantasy, like the voice I hear in my head, but it’s comforting nonetheless.

18

JONATHAN

Idon’t see much of Adam after he gets back from his walk with Mal. He disappears into the foundation offices to check damage and make arrangements for repairs. I wish I could forget how good it felt to be wrapped in his arms—those large muscles not dangerous, but protective, his body giving off so much warmth for someone who seems so cool.

On Monday morning, I’m sitting at breakfast with the children and Ray when Adam walks in. Geoff usually skips breakfast and Meredith often has hers before the rest of us wake up, but both occasionally join us. Adam never does.

Mal and Alisha were debating the best strategy for mining a particular CraftWar component, but they fall silent. Enrique, who was zooming around the table with a toy airplane, stumbles to a halt. Ben drops his spoon.

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