Page 49 of The Beast's Heart

“I think that’s partly why Lloyd chose this place,” Adam says softly. “It was his retreat, like Beethoven’s. But I know part of it was for me too. He’s the only other person I’ve told that story.”

Something inside me twists hard with the revelation and the underlying grief. Before I can respond, Adam looks back at me. “Sorry. I’ve been told I talk about him too much.”

“You should be able to talk about him as much as you like. There’s no deadline for grief.”

He cocks his head, “It sounds like you’re talking from experience.”

I look into my tumbler. “My mother died when I was eight. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.”

“I’m sorry. What happened?”

I don’t like to talk about it, but given how much he’s shown me of himself today, it seems only fair. “She was driving home from taking me to school and someone skipped a red light.”

“That’s… I don’t know what to say.”

“My father still mourns her, to this day.” If he’d come here instead of me, I’m sure he would have had a lot of insight to share with Adam.

“And what about you?”

I shrug. “I’m fine. It hit my siblings harder. They were older.”

“Older? Surelyyoustill needed her the most?”

“Oh, well,” It’s difficult to explain our dynamic to an outsider. “My father did his best to make sure it didn’t affect us too much. In ways I only really appreciate now. He worked multiple jobs at first so we could keep our house rather than downsizing. He’d teach, then tutor in the evenings, while also marking and invigilating when he could, and publishing academic papers… anything to make sure we were cared for. Yet, somehow, he still remained involved. He was always there for us, for me especially. I don’t think he got much sleep those first few years.” I stop speaking, suddenly aware of how much I’ve said. “Sorry, we were talking about Lloyd.”

A breeze whispers across the leaves overhead. I look up to find Adam staring. He searches my gaze. I’m not sure what he’s looking for. Eventually he says, “I reckon he would have liked you.”

His fingers brush my shirt collar. The gesture is intimate enough to make my stomach leap. He traces his finger along the collar. Admiring the pattern? Then it strays up to my neck. My pulse races beneath his fingertip. My gaze strays to his lips. The space between us (which I’m certain has shrunk) feels charged.

But is he seeing me, or is he seeing Lloyd?

My hunger for his touch wars with my certainty that any move on my part now would just be taking advantage of his vulnerability and grief. Plus, the children are right there. They aren’t paying attention to us, but they could look at any moment and see… what? I part my lips to speak, but realize I don’t know what to say. His gaze falls to my mouth. My heart trips.

“Jonathan!” Ben calls. “Look at what I can do!”

I jerk away from Adam and look to Ben. He flips back and for a terrible second I think he’s flung himself from the branch, but his legs are locked around it and he hangs upside down, laughing, face pink, mimicking Alisha.

“Careful!” I shout, scrambling to my feet, ready to catch him if his legs fail.

He rights himself, looking pleased as can be.

“All right, very impressive. Time for lunch. Come down please.”

I set out the picnic blankets while Adam dishes out the food. Adam engages Alisha in more conversation about plants and she pays rapt attention. And Enrique isn’t hanging onto her. He’s playing with the other boys and eating fistfuls of crisps.

My veins are full of adrenaline, my heart pounding wildly. Due to the fright Ben gave me, or because of Adam? Probably both.

As we settle down to eat. I keep a decent distance from Adam, even though everything in me is yearning to sit close, to touch him again. I watch the way he leans back on his elbows, talking easily to Alisha, the way his muscles move beneath his shirt, howthe sunlight dapples his rusty hair, the flashes of his smile.This is fine.These thoughts are fine as long as no one ever knows. Just like the incident with the snuggling. As long as no one knows but me, it can’t do any harm.

Later, we build a fort out of wood and twigs, and Mal and Adam try to attack it while the rest of us defend. Adam plays the role of the beast, of course, and Mal the dark knight who’s its master. Alisha is the good wizard, casting spells (rotten pinecones) in Adam’s direction, while Enrique squeals in delight.

I let myself imagine for the briefest moment that this is my life and not just a temporary assignment. That these are my children and Adam… that he’s mine too.

The gut-wrenching desire that seizes me then is nearly too much to bear, but I know in a few months, they’ll go back into the system and I’ll go home. In a few months, we’ll be strangers once more. I need to be the strong one. But it’s so difficult to hold onto that knowledge now, with Adam on all fours, roaring, while Ben and Mal engage in an epic sword fight with sticks. While the sweet spring air rings with peals of laughter.

21

ADAM

---