Page 61 of The Beast's Heart

And through this bleak picture, weave those higher notes, offering hope and beauty. As the second movement starts, I sit on my bed with my eyes closed and let it wash over me. This piece was probably composed for a movie or video game (that’s what composers do nowadays isn’t it?), but it paints a rich and personal emotional landscape that speaks right to my own loneliness. A loneliness I’ve tried my whole life to keep at bay. When the needle finally rises again, my eyes are damp.

No one ever tells you how much finding what you want can hurt.

I’ve just finished a Saturday afternoon lesson with Geoff when I go down to the kitchen for a refreshment and discover Adam sitting at the table with a tablet. Ray’s at the counter, prepping some rolls for dinner, their hands all covered in flour. They both look up when I walk in. Adam’s eyes go wide and he swallows hard.

I ordered some sports togs so I wouldn’t have to do exercise in my work clothes, but now I’m standing before them in shorts and a t-shirt that’s clinging to me.Why didn’t I go shower first?

“Boxing with Geoff,” I say, by way of explanation for the state I’m in, trying to act as though I’m not dying inside. “Please, pretend you can’t see me.” I keep a wide berth as I go to pour myself a glass of iced water from the giant fridge.

“Nothing wrong with what I see, pumpkin.” Ray makes a low growling noise and wriggles their eyebrows. My temperature climbs another few degrees. I was probably all pink from exertion already and now I’m relatively certain I look like a strawberry. I stick my face into the cool fridge and pretend to be intently looking for something.

“Glad you’re here actually,” Ray says. “Some packages arrived for you. From the Zon it looks like.”

The decor for the children! It’s finally arrived. Adam and I sat together in the control room weeks ago, meticulously picking things out, but with the pandemic delivery times are understandably pretty slow.

I close the fridge door and find Adam standing right there. “Since when are you taking boxing lessons with Geoff?”

My stomach gives a little flip. I’ve never even seen Adam this side of the counter, but he’s leaning a hip against the kitchensink, his arms folded casually as if he’s always been there. When he folds his arms like that, and his biceps are…no, Jonathan. Keep it together.

“Oh, just recently. You know, keeping fit and healthy.”

Adam frowns. “I’m fully aware this isn’t my place to comment… but just be careful.”

“I don’t think I’m going to hurt myself hitting a bag. Although it’s not beyond the realms of possibility.”

“That’s… not what I meant.” He exchanges a significant look with Ray.

Do they think Geoff would hit on me? Doesn’t Adam know Geoff only has eyes for him?

“I promise Geoff isn’t trying anything,” I attempt to reassure him. “He said I’m a beta. I take it that means I’m quite unattractive as a potential mate.”

Adam’s eyebrows fly up.

“Hesaidthat to you?” Ray asks.

“He was being nice, actually. He was trying to help me.”

“I’m sure he was,” Adam says, sounding unconvinced.

“Anyway, I’ll grab a shower and then we can open the packages?” I ask hopefully.

Adam’s gaze roves over my face and my clinging clothes. “Sure.”

25

ADAM

Ifall into one of the chairs as soon as Jonathan leaves the room. Ray bustles around behind me. “Got a letter from Davy today. He sends his regards.”

I’ve met Davy twice. Once, the night he came to the fight for a bit of light entertainment and ended up leaving with Ray, once on their wedding day. I very much doubt I featured in his letter at all. “What did he think of Belle’s poetry?”

“Oh you heard all that did you? I didn’t actually end up using most of it. Was good for inspiration but would have felt wrong, you know?”

My stomach clenches. Probably hunger, although something about those beautiful words going to waste hurts and I don’t want to examine the emotion too closely.

“Belle’s a sweetheart though, isn’t he?” Ray says.

I make as noncommittal a sound as it’s possible for me to make.

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