Page 79 of Wicked Love

“I brush my teeth now,” Becca says.

“Perfect. I’ll be in there soon to tell you good night,” I tell Becca.

“Night, you two,” Mrs. McGregor says.

“Night,” we both answer.

I turn off the lights and then head to Becca’s room. She’s looking at her mommy pictures, and the one of her and Poppy is front and center now. My mind starts racing. I try to shut it down, focus on nothing but Becca, but it’s hard when she’s focused on Poppy.

“I like Poppy,” she says. “You like Poppy too.”

Yes, I do.

“I wish Poppy was my mommy,” she says.

Fuck me.

“She’s a good friend, isn’t she.” I try to redirect.

“My best friend.” Becca nods, as she crawls into bed.

I smile at Martha curled up next to Becca, wearing pajamas that match Becca’s, thanks to Elle. I scratch her little head, laughing as the little hair she has on her head flies out in every direction. I’m happy I caved with Martha. She’s growing on me.

I tuck Becca in and wish her sweet dreams before turning out the light.

Instead of going to bed, I go downstairs and work out.

I haven’t slept with someone more than once since Adriane. I thought she was my everything…until she wasn’t. And I know now that the only person in my life who’s been my everything is Becca. Because I’d give up everyone and everything for my daughter.

Adriane and I were inseparable for years. She knew my dreams and it seemed like she was ready for it all…until she wasn’t. She didn’t really know what she wanted to do with her life, didn’t have anything she was passionate about, and asit turned out, I think she just craved a simple life. I don’t fault her for that. The level of my success was too much. She was like me—more comfortable being on the outside of things, out of the spotlight. Where we were so different was that I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. She didn’t realize how my career would put everything we did in a fishbowl.

I blame myself for her leaving. But I don’t think anything—even me walking away from football—would have changed her mind once she wanted to leave. When we found out she was pregnant, it was a brief respite of hope, like maybe I wasn’t losing her, but in the end, she didn’t want to be a mother either.

She didn’t leave because of Becca, but she didn’t stay for Becca either.

It’s more complicated than that, but once Becca was born and I fell in love with that little girl, to me, nothing was more black and white: I loved Becca and would die for her.

For Adriane, it was one more thing that threw her off balance.

She left without looking back and left me to pick up the pieces alone.

As much as it hurt, I’ve worked through her not wanting me, but I’ll never understand her not wanting Becca.

I run on the treadmill until I’m sopping wet and then head to the shower, standing in the steam as the water sluices over me.

Poppy isn’t Adriane. It isn’t right to compare them.

But it’s almost impossible not to when Poppy is the first person who’s made me think twice about my no-dating stance.

Poppy is genuine in a way that feels almost impossible.Unlike Adriane, she knows exactly what she’d be getting into if we had a relationship. And she adores Becca.

It’s the way that Becca adores Poppy that scares me the most.

Somehow, I did manage to sleep last night, but I wake up dragging. After I take Becca to school, I go to Luminary. The bell jingles over the door as I step inside and my jaw tightens when I spot Clara behind the counter, looking at me expectantly. The music is booming like it was the other day.

“Not again,” I mumble.

“Morning, Bowie!” she calls, her grin huge. “Hope you’re ready to boogie!”

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