Page 40 of Kylan

I smiled at him, though it felt a little flat. “He spoilsyou.”

Fitch came over to me and clapped my arm. “You get spoiled too, no?”

I sighed, unsure as to why my mood felt determined to spiral. “Yeah. I do, when I’m with them, sure. But...”

“But what?”

I shook my head and waved him off. “Nah, forget about it. I’m fine. Everything’s great. It actually hasn’t been this good, probably ever. I don’t know why I keep wanting to sabotage my own happiness.”

Fitch studied me for a second, surely about to say something, but in the end, he decided not to. “Come on, self-saboteur. We can talk about it later. When you’ve had some time to think about why you feel you don’t deserve to be happy.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks. Past trauma and overthinking. What could possibly go wrong?”

Fitch laughed and held the door for me. “There ya go. Masking deep emotional wounds with sarcasm and humour. Who even needs therapy?”

I snorted as I walked past him. “You do. Benji, most likely. I’ll continue to use porn and self-degradation like a normal person.”

Fitch’s laughter rang loud up the stairwell. When we hit Wylde Street, the sun did its best to improve my mood, though even that fell short.

I knew what was bothering me. Well, one of the things that was bothering me.

Despite how my life was actually looking up, I wanted more.

I had the security of the contract between me, Leon,and Marek. And I did find comfort in that. But I wanted more. More of them, more than they could give me.

I had a taste of what love could feel like. As stupid as it was, as stupid as the fairy tale of love was—unrealistic, naïve, and ridiculous—I still wanted more.

I wanted to be included. I wanted Marek and Leon to want me more than just to be their little plaything. I wanted them to include me in their daily lives and not just when it was contractually convenient.

I wanted them to love me like they loved each other.

Like I loved them.

And I did love them, even though I refused to acknowledge that seriously, and fuck, I’d never admit it out loud to anyone.

But I was so in love with them. I loved the peace they gave me. I loved the security and the safety they afforded me. I loved how they encouraged me to learn, to make a better life for myself. I loved how they wanted me to grow.

I loved how they let me be myself.

They understood my need to be a femboy. They embraced my desire to be pretty and wanted, and that’s exactly how I felt when I was with them.

Pretty.

Wanted.

And maybe that was why I loved them.

But I also wanted them to call me, like Dom called Fitch just to check on him and tell him to please call if he needed anything.

They weren’t bound by a contract.

And I’d thought Fitch was at a disadvantage by that. But now I had to wonder...

Maybe it was me who was.

Get out of your own head, Kylan.

You’re going to ruin a perfectly good thing by wishing you deserved more.

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