Page 13 of Kylan

A quiet knock at my door made me realise I’d zoned out, the video almost finished, and I couldn’t remember watching any of it.

Fitch stuck his head in. “Hey. How’d you go?”

“Oh,” I said, sitting up, trying to shake off this heavy funk. “Kinda tuned out. Is it awkward to watch your own stuff?”

He came in, concern in his eyes, and sat on the end of my bed. “Everything okay?”

I sighed, mad at myself for letting my emotions show. “Yeah. I just... I dunno...”

He sat patiently, not saying a thing—which was not something Fitch usually did—while he waited for me to continue.

“I wasn’t kinda feeling it,” I said. “So I kinda pretended I wasn’t alone...” I swallowed hard. “That I was with... them.”

“Your daddies?”

I nodded. “It made it so much easier. It was hot, even. I was caught up in make believing it was them...”

Goddammit.

“And?” he prompted when I didn’t keep talking.

“And when I opened my eyes, they weren’t there.”

Fitch frowned and let out a long sigh. “Oh man.”

I buried my face in my hands. “Stupid, huh? So fucking stupid.”

“Ky,” Fitch said. Then he gently pulled one of my hands away. “It’s not stupid.”

“I know better than to get attached. I know it’s not real. I know what I am to them,” I whispered. “And it is stupid to let myself think otherwise because hope is a dangerous fucking thing.”

His whole face was sad, and Fitch was rarely sad. I hated that I’d been the one to make him that way.

“Sorry,” I whispered. “Just ignore me. It’ll pass. I’m just in a funk or something. I don’t even know.”

“You’re allowed to miss them when you’re not with them,” he murmured. “You’re allowed to miss how they make you feel. That high, that rush, the feeling of being safe and protected. You’re allowed to miss that.”

Jesus Christ.

“In my head,” I admitted, “they were here. Then when I realised they weren’t...”

I sighed.

“Call them,” he said. “If you can’t see them, then talk to them. Surely that’s allowed.”

“Allowed?”

“Yeah, in your contract.”

I’d forgotten I’d told him about that . . .

“Is being their boy only for times you’re with them?Because that sounds like it’s just for their benefit, not yours.”

I tried not to get defensive because what Fitch was saying came from a good place, and it was kinda true.

“There are no rules about stuff like that. It’s more about confidentiality.”

“Then call them. Tell them you need to hear your daddies’ voices before bed tonight. They’ll love that shit.”

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