Page 20 of Rancher's Pride

The last time I’d been in this house, his mother had yellow shag carpet and mint green paint on most of the walls. Nash had painted everything white, stripped the painted wood moldings and restored them back to their natural color. The hardwood floors that were covered with carpet had been refinished and were almost sparkling. “Why’d you pick this spot?”

“It’s the very edge of my property. When we became business partners Kipp sold us each a piece of the original ranch, so we’d have as much at stake as he did, and I wanted to be close to everything. So when I surveyed, this was the best place. Maybe a little too close to your brother now that he has a family, but that wasn’t really my concern then.” He shrugged so slightly if my eyes hadn’t been glued to him, I would have missed it.

“It’s perfect.” I whispered. The air suddenly felt thick, and he shifted his gaze to me.

“I’m going to bed.” He stood with ease and gently placed Lottie in my arms and without another word, he walked up the stairs and his door closing startled me like it had been slammed right beside me.

I put Lottie down and turned out the lights and went to bed myself. Sleep was all I longed for, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. As if I predicted it, Lottie decided it was a party night.

“Shhh, sweetheart, you need to eat.” I whispered as I rocked back and forth on the couch, trying to get Lottie to latch. Why were babies so hard? I was hoping Lottie would be an easier baby. Everyone told me the second is so much easier than the first, but it’s not true.

Oh god, I miss everything about life before kids.

I looked down at Lottie in my arms, squirming and pushing away from me.

No, you don’t, that’s not true and shame on you for thinking it.

My heart was right, the girls were my everything, but my head was making me second guess it all.

She balled up her fists and let out a scream that would have woken the dead. I shifted my baby and tried to get her to latch on my other breast. Tears streamed down my face.

Even my child doesn’t like me.

I could feel the darkness creep in, the same darkness that had filled my thoughts when I had Josie.

Maybe I should just put her in her crib and leave? People would expect that from me.

Well, how did I break this last time? Fuck, I don’t remember. Oh wait, yes I do. Chrissy was there to help me. Was that when she started screwing Andrew? When I was a shit wife and a fuck up of a mom? I bet she’ll be the perfect mom. Everything will come so easy to her. Lottie let out another scream. “Come on honey, please be quiet. We don’t want to wake everyone up.”

“Too late.” Nash grumbled as appeared at the bottom of the stairs. His defined arms were a testament to the hours he spent working, and when they’d been wrapped around me, I felt safe and loved. His bare chest, with more than a dusting of chest hair gave me an unobstructed view of all the tattoos that still made me weak in the knees when I saw them, the plaid lounge pants, with a drawstring swaying as he walked down the stairs, and I wondered if he still slept naked.

The man was still magnificent to look at, clothed, or unclothed. I was happy it was dark. He couldn’t see me turning eight shades of red when I realized I was completely exposed. Reaching for the blanket beside me, I covered up. “Fallon, you don’t have to do that. I’ve seen them before and you’re feeding your child. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Give her to me.” Nash reached out and took Lottie from me, blanket and all. Quickly, I buttoned up my pajamas and wrapped my arms around myself.

I watched as he walked around the living room bouncing gently and Lottie stopped her screaming. “Go make her a bottle, and I’ll feed her. You need to getsome rest.” He was standing in front of the window, the moonlight shining through, bathing them in the white glow and my heart flipped. I’d taken this from him when I didn’t come back after I’d found out about Josie. Now I was here with another man’s baby and if a stranger walked in right now, they wouldn’t have a clue he wasn’t the father. I left the room and got the formula for Lottie, like he’d told me to.

When I returned, Nash was sitting in the rocking chair patting her back and humming something. I’d forgotten how good his voice was and remembered that I’d sit on the tailgate of a truck and listen to him and his friends jam when I was little. I used to think he was so cool and handsome. He was still handsome and so much more than just cool.

“Here, I can take her.” My voice cracked, and I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“Hey, I can only deal with one crying girl a night. What’s with the tears?” He looked up at me, eyes full of concern, and I felt like he could see into my most private thoughts. And right now those weren’t good at all.

Throwing my hands out, I sniffled a sob and hid my face from him. “I can’t feed her. The one thing I’m supposed to do, I can’t do. God, I suck at being a woman. I couldn’t feed Josie either. Andrew used to tell me I was defective, and maybe he was right. If I was a cow with a bad bag, you’d send me to the auction market.” I sat on the edge of the coffee table sobbinginto my hands, spilling all the things I’d vowed never to tell anyone.

A complete breakdown in front of Nash wasn’t what I had planned for two in the morning, but there we were.

“Toots, look at me.”

I glanced up at him, but then looked away.

“No. Look at me.” He waited until I was staring at him.

“There is nothing wrong with you. You’re a woman, not a cow. I don’t want to hear the comparison again. You aren’t defective, you aren’t any less of a woman, it is what it is. Making sure Lottie is fed is all you need to worry about, and if that’s formula, then what’s the problem? Pretty sure there are other things to worry about as the mom of an infant and a two-year-old.” His eyes were locked on me, and I felt like he was pulling me out of the depths of despair. He hadn’t shamed me and didn’t make me feel like I was a failure. He just told me what I needed to hear. “And since you like making woman to cow comparisons, if a mama cow couldn’t feed her calf, what would we do?” He arched his brow, and I shook my head as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. It was childish, but what else did I have?

“You’d feed it milk replacer.” I responded through a few sobs.

“Right, and how many calves over the years have we had to do that to?” He stared at me again, knowing fullwell it was my job when I was a kid to take care of the bottle babies.

“Countless.” I nodded, trying to blink back more tears that threatened to fall.

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