Page 52 of The Bargain

16

BYRON GRAHAM

This was a horrible idea.

Terrible. Disastrous. Bad. Just really, really bad.

Especially after our last date was a wonderful afternoon with Sebastian’s charming mother and her LGBTQIA+ charity.

But Sebastian kept pressing, and I understood why. This was a big part of my life, and it was the one piece that I was determined to keep him out of. Everything about it was ugly and painful. Why would I want to include Sebastian in that? Right now, he was everything that was good and happy in my life. I didn’t want that sliver of happiness to become tainted.

That wasn’t right, though.

Sebastian wanted this to be a real relationship, where we shared all the parts of our lives. Both the good and the bad. How could we ever know if we could date and be in a long-term relationship if we couldn’t share all the important pieces of ourselves?

And I agreed with him. If I were dating someone and I regarded this person as my boyfriend, I’d want to share all of my life with that person. I’d want someone to lean on when shit got hard.

Being honest with myself, I wanted that person to be Sebastian. He was so strong all the time, and he felt like the best person to hold me the moment it got to be too much. I wanted to close my eyes and hear him tell me it was all going to be okay, because I knew if he said it, I’d believe it.

However, sharing this part of my life meant introducing Sebastian to my foul-mouthed, foul-tempered, alcoholic mother. Not only did this feel embarrassing, but it was terrifying. There was a part of me that expected him to take one look at this part of my life, say “Fuck this shit,” and walk right away. I wouldn’t even blame him one bit, either.

“It’s going to be fine,” Sebastian said for the third time as we approached my mother’s house. My knuckles were white on the steering wheel.

“It won’t be. It’s never been fine before, so I’m not expecting it to be fine now.” But it had been nearly a week since I’d last checked on her. I’d sent some food earlier in the week after talking to her on the phone, but I had a feeling she might need more food and for me to throw a load of clothes in the laundry for her. Not to mention, it was time to search her house for bottles of alcohol.

“Even if it’s not fine, I’ll be right by your side the entire time. I’m not leaving you, no matter how not fine it is.”

His comments warmed some of the ice forming around my gut, but they didn’t chase away all the chill. We still had to survive this afternoon.

I pulled my car up to the curb outside my mom’s tiny house and turned off the engine. Prior to even unbuckling my seat belt, I turned my attention to Sebastian, running a critical eye over him. When I’d agreed to let him accompany me, I’d instructed him to wear his plainest, most ordinary clothes, which he had. Yet, I could still see at a glance that the quality was a hundredtimes better than what I could afford, even though he was just wearing a pair of jeans and a burgundy polo shirt.

“Take off your watch and put it in your pocket,” I ordered. Thankfully, he didn’t wear any other jewelry. “Keep your watch and phone in your pockets. Also, keep a close eye on your wallet.”

“Is your mother a klepto?”

“No, but I keep a close watch on the money that comes into the house.” I rubbed my forehead, wiping away the beads of sweat forming there in the blistering June heat. Naturally, the air conditioning in my car didn’t work, but Sebastian was kind enough to not mention it. “She shouldn’t have enough to buy as much booze as she does, and yet there it is. All I can figure is that she’s selling the food and other things out of the house to buy it or she’s stealing from somewhere. I don’t even want to think about the amount of cash you potentially have in your wallet right now.”

“Got it.”

“The other thing…” I hesitated, not even wanting to say the words out loud. “It would probably be best if you didn’t talk about dating me or even dating men in general. She’ll probably still guess, but I’ve learned to not throw fuel on the fire. Let’s go. We’ll try to make this as fast as possible.”

I reached for the handle on the door and Sebastian’s hand clamped on my right arm, stopping me. “Is your mom homophobic?”

I huffed out a bitter laugh. “I’ve always hated that word. Phobic? She’s not scared of me. No, she just hates gay people.”

“And yet she relies completely on you for her survival and the care of her eldest son.” Sebastian sounded like he was talking through his teeth.

“It is what it is, but don’t drag Ronnie into this. It has nothing to do with him. None of this situation is his fault.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I flashed Sebastian the best smile I could manage and got out of the car while I still could.

Sebastian followed me, a silent, supportive shadow. During the walk up to the house, I felt a hundred times more aware of the brown patchy grass, the cracks stretching across the sidewalks, worn shutters, filthy windows, and dirt-crusted siding. The entire building needed to be overhauled. Or better yet, torn down. Every step felt like a wide gulf was opening between us. Sebastian had a warm, loving, accepting family made up of financially stable and productive people.

And then there were my mom and me. Everything Sebastian knew about me and my life felt like a cheap plastic Halloween mask, and I was about to rip it off to reveal the true ugliness beneath.

As I reached the door, I stopped and sucked in a deep, fortifying breath. It was like an old set of armor clicked into place around my body, so she couldn’t touch me with her hate-filled words. A hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed, reminding me that for the first time, I wasn’t alone.

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