Page 7 of Willow Vale

“You’re too heavy! You’re crushing me!” he said as he gave me one more shove, and I feigned falling over until he was tickling me to get his payback.

Our laughter filled the bedroom as morning light streamed in from the single-pane window. As tired as I was from my thoughts and worries keeping me up most of the night, mornings on the weekends were my absolute favorite. When my little brother and I weren’t rushing to get somewhere on time and we had all day to ourselves, I felt especially at peace.

Like our little haven was a secret just between us. It was pretty perfect compared to the outside world.

We got ready for our day after lying in bed a little longer, brushing our teeth at the sink, standing side by side while River stood atop the wooden step stool. He gave me an adorably exasperated look when I couldn’t help but ruffle his hair.

“What do you want for breakfast today, buddy?” I asked as I tried to brush his hair and pushed his hands down when he tried to fight me on it, like always. His hair wasn’t as curly as mine but fluffier, so I knew I wasn’t hurting him when I brushed his hair. He just liked watching me struggle because he got a kick out of it.

“Chocolate chip pancakes!” River said as I helped him off the step stool and he hurried out of the bathroom.

I followed him out to the living room and watched as he seated himself at the coffee table, flipping the lid of the tin box flooded with crayons before he got to his coloring. I watched him over my shoulder long enough to spot him stick his tongue out in concentration as soon as he started coloring, the world around him melting away the moment he set his attention on the task at hand. My little brother loved to color almost as much as he loved to eat.

Something I was thankful for every day.

Irene never stopped drinking and doing…other things, even after she got pregnant with River. I knew this because he was born premature. The first few months after he was born, he spent them in the NICU while the nurses and doctors did everything to save him. To this day I could never thank them enough for what they did for us. For our little family of two.

Here we were four years later, and I couldn’t imagine a world without River in it. He was the most precious thing in my life. I never knew my life was missing something—someone—until he came alone.

After taking care of Irene for the better part of my childhood and into my early adulthood, I was done with the worrying. All the disappointment, and the stress that kept me up at night when I wasn’t sure if this time, she’d wake up the next day because of whatever pill she’d taken from a friend.

Taking care of someone battling an addiction, even if you loved them, was exhausting when that person did nothing to help themselves, to change their ways. Like a fish endlessly circling a buoy in the ocean, ignoring the vastness beyond it. The possibilities of more.

I used to blame myself for my inability to help my mother. Time taught me, however, that I was only a child. Scared, confused, and trying my best—always trying my best—to help. It wasn’t my fault, nor my responsibility, to be the adult in that situation. Still, it was a responsibility I had trouble shaking off most days.

When I went off to college, I thought I was done with all of that.

Until I looked at River’s small face, scrunched up in the most adorable way…and my world shifted. For the better, even if his arrival changed the trajectory of my life.

I narrowed my eyes. “You had chocolate chip pancakes yesterday. How about some eggs and bacon?”

“I’ll have that too, please,” he chimed without missing a beat.

I chuckled. “All right then.”

I got started on breakfast, and a few minutes later River popped in and insisted that he help me. I knew it was just his excuse to make sure I added enough chocolate chips into the batter. But it was a nice way to pass the time. I ended up playing one of my favorite Fleetwood Mac albums on my phone which got us both dancing while the pancakes cooked on the pan. The sweet smell of pancakes and bacon made both of our stomachs growl impatiently.

“Lila?” River asked suddenly while I plated up our breakfast.

“Yes?”

“Do you love me?”

I leaned over and gently pinched his cheek with a smile. “So much that I don’t think anyone will love you as much as me. You’re my number one.”

He beamed. “Me too! I think I love you more than chocolate chip pancakes.”

I gasped. “I can’t believe it. You love me more than your precious chocolate chip pancakes? I’m so honored, I think I could cry.”

His giggle was the sweetest melody. Better than any Fleetwood Mac song could ever sound. “You’re so silly, Lila.”

It was only when my phone chimed with an incoming message that I was pulled out of our blissful morning. Disappointment and a spike of anxiety shot through me like a lightning bolt, putting me on high alert. Swiping my phone off thetable, I ruffled River’s hair as I stood up. “I’ll go make the bed while you finish eating, buddy.”

“Okay!” he said before turning to watch the cartoons playing on the TV in the living room. Utterly oblivious to the storm swirling around me as I hurried into my room and closed the door behind me.

My heart was pounding in my chest as I reread my mother’s texts that I’d been refusing to read for the past week. Not that I needed to read them to know exactly where the one-sided conversation was going.

Irene: Haven’t heard from you in a while, kid. Are you ignoring me again?

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