Page 13 of The Wonder of You

“Renée, stop! Stop acting so casual! You were kissing him.Kissing.Have you ever kissed anyone before? You literally turn your head when people try kissing you, even Nan and Grandad! They always got your hair or your bloody ear!”

But Phoenix is different… Phoenix is… what?

I am beyond confused. I look around at the tents, above at the moon which is making its appearance. I focus on the noises of the children laughing, the sound of red and white striped man shoutingroll up, roll up.

But Lydia brings me back into reality.

“He’s a bit weird, don’t you think? Like, he’s kind of attractive, but there is something creepy about him too. His eyes are kind of hollow and he’s so pale…I mean, are you into that?”

I instantly look up, feeling frustrated, almost like I want to protect him. It’s like deja-vu, as if I’ve had a moment of someone judging him before.

“Don’t say that!” I huff. This feeling of deja-vu, of having these moments before, is getting stronger and I am starting to worry it’s going to overwhelm me.

Lydia just smiles. “Do you like him? You know,likehim?”

Like is a bit too weak, I love him, like… like I’ve always loved him. We belong together.

I rub my hands over my cheeks and take a deep breath. “Yes, yes, I do.”

“Renée, little Stripey Stipey, that’s… that’s amazing, I am speechless honestly. I haven’t seen you so… so happy, so… who even are you right now? But is this what you want? Really?”

“What do you mean?”

“The circus is only temporary; they go all over the United Kingdom and Ireland. I even read they set up in Germany once.”

I go silent. Lydia is right… who am I? Is who I am right now going to be who I am tomorrow when I wake up from this? When I return to my haunted house alone? I feel sick with confusion, but I feel so warm with love.

It’s like the moment I stepped into this circus; I felt at home. The minute I saw Phoenix, I knew Iwashome.

I sound insane though, my mind starts to burn with endless loops of thoughts.

I love him. No, that’s silly. Is there something magical here? No. I am being delusional.

Have I been so lonely for so long that my mind has gotten over excited and created some fantasy?

I feel as if I am choking on nothing. There is not enough air for me to think all this, to take it all in.

“Renée? Are you okay?” Lydia asks me softly, but with a sudden rough landing on the ground, all I see is darkness.

Chapter 9

My eyes flicker open, and then shut again. It’s like my eyelids are not strong enough to open fully. I am light-headed and everything around me is blurry. Am I laying on the floor? Did I pass out?

“I can’t lose her again.” I hear a voice say beside me. Is that Phoenix?

“But what are you going to do? I think she suspects something, but I don’t think she knows.” Lukas says it softly, but there is a hint of concern in his voice that is easy to detect.

“But she’s mine, she always has been. I can’t just let her go.”

“I know, really, I do, but I don’t think you can go around saying that right now. We’re still here for a while.”

“I won’t leave without her.” Phoenix sounds so sure, so firm. Are they talking about me?

I stir, opening my eyes, and he’s right there at my side. One hand is on my cheek, the other is smoothing down my hair. And there it is again - a surge of love that feels so familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Does this man love me? Do I deserve this kind of love? Can I return it to him?

“Are you okay?” he whispers.

“Did I faint?”

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