Page 18 of The Wonder of You

Nan offers me a sympathetic smile, her eyes begin to water, and that one expression rattles me. I begin to cry.

“Oh honey.” She reaches across the table and grabs one of my hands.

“They say mean things to me,” I admit. “They joke about me not having a mum. The only girl that was nice to me today was the one who heard them say it. She doesn’t have a mum either. That’s not fair, though, is it? Why should that be the reason someone is nice to me? Why would having a dead mum be a funny thing?” It all rushes out my mouth too quickly and I feel awful saying it. Not only am I reminding myself that I have a dead mum, but I am also reminding my nan that she has a dead daughter. If I don’t say the words, though, I’ll explode. I know I will. I’ll be like a kettle filled too high, spitting everywhere and burning everyone in sight. Nan holds my hand as Grandad comes into the room. He tuts as he pulls out my ponytail and runs his fingers through my hair. It settles me, but not quite enough and my cries turn into sobs.

“Everything will be okay, my girl,” Grandad says softly. But I wonder how long it will take for everything to truly feel okay.

Chapter 13

A knock on the door startles me. I’m not used to visitors, but for once, I’m excited to have one. For the first time, I don’t feel that desire to hide out of sight from the window so they can’t see me.

I take a deep breath.

I bite my lip to stop a smile crossing my face as I open the door and see Phoenix. He looks… he looks like a dream. He’s wearing his black suit and his hair looks like it’s been styled, but it’s still sporting thatjust woke upappearance. The door frame stands between us and it feels like it represents something. Is the house behind me my past? Is Phoenix my future? But is Phoenix also my past, my presentandmy future?

I need to stop. I’ll go dizzy with these thoughts.

“You look beautiful,” he tells me and hands me a small pink flower.

I take it and run my fingers over the petals. They’re so soft. I fumble for something to say.

“I always like darker colours, but flowers… I don’t know, I like them pink.”

“I know,” Phoenix says gently and I look up at him. His eyes are filled with relief, but also sadness. Relief that I am here, but sadness that I was once taken from him? Apparently so, anyway. I’m still unsure what I think about this past life stuff. I just hope I am not accepting insanity. Some kind of ideal dream to save me from the pain and despair of life.

What if all this is a fantasy? What if it all comes crashing down around me?

What if I end up locked away when everything disappears and reality strikes me like a flash of cruel and unexpected lightning?

No.

This feels real.

For once, something does feel real.

The air around me is real.

The touch of Phoenix feels real.

I need to accept that this is happening.

I’m brought back into the moment when Phoenix speaks to me.

“Shall we go?” He offers his hand and I giggle slightly. I wish Nan and Grandad were here to watch me walk away with this handsome man. They would be so happy for me. But at least I get to enjoy it. I allow him to lead the way.

We walk through the alleyway that separates the cul-de-sac and the road, and finally leads towards the park. Phoenix grips my hand tighter and my heart feels so warm. But as much as I just want to enjoy this, I have so many questions I need to ask.

“You told my Dad that you’ve had help with being the ringmaster, why is that?”

I look up at him as his silence lasts a while. His mouth twists like he knows what to say, but doesn’t know how to say it.

“I haven’t been the same since I lost you,” he looks down at me and smiles, but I hear how his voice cracks. His smile is the same as when I tell my dad I’m fine sohe leaves the house and I can find a corner to cry in. I squeeze his hand tighter to reassure him it is okay. “I want you to know everything, understand everything. But first, I also want to show you around the circus a bit more.”

“Okay.” I can’t complain, the circus is fascinating.

“You’re… you’re welcome to um, stay with me tonight, if you want… if you’re comfortable with it, but if not, I’ll walk you home, okay?” He seems so nervous and it makes me want to melt into him. I’ve never had someone think so much about me. I guess I’ve simply never had asomeone. Lydia’s words run through my brain and taunt me.

The circus is only temporary.

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