Page 19 of The Wonder of You

Did this so-called past me live with Phoenix at the circus? Did we travel around? What will my future plans be? I don’t think I will ever be the same if I have to watch Phoenix leave.

In such a short time, I feel my world changing. I am still somewhat depressive Renée, but there is a hope running through me that I’ve never felt before that I am desperate to hold onto. Perhaps I deserve this? Perhaps all this pain within me, around me, is just passing through? Am I on the other side of it? Am I going to get to live like everyone else? Maybe I can live in a world where people don’t pity me, where I don’t pity myself? Or am I only getting a taste? I’m not sure I want to entertain the thoughts running through my head right now.

“I’ll…I’ll think about it,” I say honestly. Phoenix nods and then smiles.

“Just don’t go running home in the dark, okay?”

“But if you walk me home, you’ll have to walk back yourself.”

“Something tells me I’ll be okay.”

“Because you’re a man?” I tease. “You don’t think I can protect myself?”

Phoenix stops once we’re safely on the other side of the road and faces me.

“I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you.” Tears take his eyes, but he seems to pull himself together with a shake of his shoulders. “But no, I’m just… things are different, I am different.”

“Yeah, I can’t argue that.”

Heisdifferent. I think he means something else, something magical perhaps? But for me, he’s different in the way he’s shifting the atmosphere.Myatmosphere.

“You’re right, though,” I begin as we start walking towards the park. “I wouldn’t be able to defend myself… I always think of the girl who went missing a few years back. She’s not the first, but there were never any answers. She just vanished.”

“Do you think she left on her own accord or was she taken?”

I shrug. “I suppose I never thought about it. Her Dad claimed she had mental health issues so it seemed like something bad may have happened. It was quite chaotic that night, though. A whole church went up in flames, and there was a murder too. It was pretty scary.”

“Interesting,” Phoenix says thoughtfully.

“I had a vision that I held Maudie as a baby.” It comes out of my mouth too fast. It’s a bit random and anabrupt change in our conversation. I wonder whether he even understood what I said. But he doesn’t seem concerned by my outburst.

“That’s because you did,” he says so casually that it makes the hair on my arms raise up.

“It cannot be possible though; I am twenty-nine and Maudie is like… what… eight maybe?” I shake my head as if I can shake away the confusion.

“Maudie has been eight for a very long time,” he tells me as if it’s not a shocking piece of information. Then he smiles. I can only imagine the confusion written all over me.

“But…”

“But right now, we’re going to explore. I always said I wished I could show you the circus again as if it was the first time… so I guess there have been some positives in this.”

I nod, taking his hand again as if it’s mine to just grab whenever I want. We walk towards the glowing lights of the circus.

Chapter 14

The ticket man smiles as Phoenix and I pass through the entrance booth and walk into the wonder that is the circus. I squeeze his hand tighter and remind myself of the beauty of the tents and all their traditional colours. I feel like a child again as I admire everything. As we walk closer to the big tops and all the game and food stalls surrounding it, I attempt to take in every detail. It’s a delight to see but it reminds that this is real. I am real. The fresh air on my face. The laughter that surrounds me, not just from children but adults too. The pings from people hitting cans in games, the excited “yes!” that follows a win. The “damn!” when someone doesn’t score but quickly digs into their pocket to pay for another round. I smell popcorn, candy floss and even coffee. I can’t help but notice a couple of people go about their day. The children swinging on their parents’ arms, making memories that will last them a lifetime. The teenagers falling in love, a feeling I believe I am experiencing for the first time too. The older generation who look so young as they admire their surroundings and the memories that likely come with it.

“Ready?” Phoenix brings me back to the moment. We’re standing outside one of the tents and I nod, happy to go in one of these again. Happy to watch another performance and have Phoenix by my side.

We sit at the back and Toni waves at us, her smile reminding me of a mother seeing her son happy with the girl he has a crush on.

A crush on me? Phoenix being interested in little old boring me still doesn’t feel real, but it does feel right as I sit here beside him. As if it was always meant to be this way.

“Welcome all, thank you for coming today!” Toni cries out to the crowd. “I hope you’re ready for this!”

She opens her arms wide, bows, and then runs off into the corner. I notice her wave to someone, and then the lights dim and the music begins.

A group of women wearing black and white striped dresses run out to centre stage in sync. They all look the same. Their black eyeshadow, black lips and overall creepy attire. The music which plays is eerie and overhead on a microphone, a croaky voice says, “The circus of horror is here!”

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