Page 7 of The Wonder of You

I wish I had friends my own age to understand if this is normal. Does everyone still feel like a child inside sometimes? Maybe everyone else is just better at masking it.

“I’m…” But before I have a chance to tell them, to worry about what pleasantries to exchange, Maudie interrupts.

“You’re Renée!”

“Um,” I am a little taken aback. It makes me chuckle nervously. “Yes, I am. Did I tell you that?” I’m trying to think back to our conversation a moment ago. I’m pretty sure I didn’t tell her my name.

“I just knew!” she giggles adding a slight bounce to her feet. I remember she is just a child, so firing a bunch of questions maybe isn’t appropriate. Still, it’s making me curious.

“You weremyfriend… and my mum’s… before she left us. She didn’t like the circus. She didn’t like me.” Her voice breaks and she starts to cry. Lukas instantly falls to his knees and grabs her gently by the shoulders.

“You never say that, baby. That’s not true. It was never about you.”

I feel like I am interrupting a private moment, but my head spins. Am I allowed to ask what she meant or would that be inappropriate considering where the conversation ended up going? She must have mistaken me for someone else, but how did she know my name?

Maudie wipes her eyes and I am surprised it doesn’t wipe off some paint considering she was crying pretty hard. Her clown face remains perfectly intact. I glance around, actively trying to avoid this moment as Lukas comforts Maudie.

“Roll up, roll up!” the man in the red and white suit keeps shouting. I make eye contact with him and he smiles at me. His eyes linger a little too long so I turn away.

“Everything will be okay,” Lukas tells Maudie.

“Everything will be okay,” my grandad whispers to me. Tears in his eyes, his hand in mine. We sit in the doctor’s waiting room.

Nan and Grandad got home in the early hours of the morning, but still decided to check on me after Uncle Carl told them I was asleep. I was not asleep. I was far from it.

“Why are you awake?” Nan asked me so sweetly, but all I could do was cry. The moments after that are blurry. I just remember how she checked me over. Her comforting, easy-going smile dropped. Her eyes widened and she left the room, almost tripping over herself as she got to the door and screamed for my grandfather.

“Beau, Beau!”

“Goodness, Alice. What’s wrong?”

I laid in bed desperately wanting someone to come into the room and hold my hand. Desperate to sit up and find out it was all a bad dream. But I felt a pain within me that prevented me from moving. My legs were numb.

The whispers were loud, but the cry that broke from my grandfather’s mouth when he finally understood what my nan was telling him was heartbreaking. I’ll remember that haunting noise for as long as I live. It took me a while to fully learn that I was not to blame for the way my grandad’s heart shattered that night.

“Call Adam, call Adam.” Nan’s voice was firmer. She calmed herself as grandad ran down the stairs for the phone.

He holds my hand in the doctor’s waiting room tighter than ever before. I rest my head on his shoulder, watching as Lydia plays with the toys in the corner of the room. Nan and Dad stayed with the doctor. After I told them what happened, my Nan took full control. Her shoulders seemed to straighten as she sat up in the chair. She was the only one who really knew what had happened. She knew after a couple of glances at me when she walked into my room.

She lost her daughter to death, and now she was losing her son to an act completely unforgivable, but she accepted it. For my sake, she accepted it all.

She was so angry and that anger made her grow.

She was the boss.

My Dad slumped in the chair as his tears almost choked him. My Grandad gently led me out of the room as I watched my father shrink into his despair.

“Renée?” Lukas brings me back into reality with the soft calling of my name. He’s standing again, watching me curiously.

“Oh goodness, I am sorry. I didn’t want to interrupt. I’m sorry about…” I stop and take a deep breath.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he smiles. There’s something about the way he’s looking at me. He looks at me like heknowsme.

It makes me want to question him again. HowdidMaudie know my name? Why did she think I was friends with her mother? I don’t know these people, do I?

No. I bat the idea away.

When have I ever had friends? When have I ever known a pregnant woman who was married to a man in the circus? I also don’t remember this circus being in town before. Maudie is giggling again and running towards some other stalls.

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