Page 72 of The Wonder of You

"The rock." A bittersweet smile takes his face. He looks at me with his dark eyes, as if he's reminding himself that I'm really here, all these years later. He's not in that time period of missing me anymore. We’ll never go back to that awful space of time.

I turn the rock over in my hand.

"Do you remember him? My grandad?"

"A little. I was out of it back then; it’s all a bit of a blur. To be honest, I was out of it until the moment you came back, but what I do remember is he seemed like a good man. He was a good man, wasn't he?"

I nod my head. He definitely was. He was the best of the best.

Phoenix picks up another photograph that seems to have fallen under my grandmother's dressing table. I recognise it immediately. It's my year three primary school class picture. Phoenix's eyes scan over it. I wonder how many photographs he's seen of me as a child. I doubt I had many in my first life.

"That's me in the corner." I point at the sombre looking girl with the ponytail and big fringe. I take a deep breath. "This would have been a year after ithappened. School was not that supportive." I mock the voice of my old teacher; her voice was high pitched and smug. “Renée Stipe, a very serious child. Doesn't have friends and doesn't seem to want them, either."

Phoenix rubs my back.

"She once said to my dad that I was like watching paint dry. Nan was fuming when he told her. I didn't even know what that meant back then."

"That's cruel, especially for a child. Why didn't they just help?"

Why didn't they just help?The question that ran through my head daily.

I shrug.

"You're not there anymore." Phoenix places the photograph back under the dressing table. A symbol of leaving the past behind, that I have moved on. I appreciate him doing this more than he knows. He leans forward and rests his forehead on mine. Any negative thought I had is gone within the instant. I take a deep breath.

"I'm ready to go," I whisper.

Putting my suitcase in the kitchen, I am startled when the door opens and in walks Lydia and Simon. This happens at the same time Dad walks out the living room, rubbing his eyes, grumbling that he can’t believe he fell asleep. Too much overtime at work, he repeats. Phoenix grips onto my hand which Lydia notices and makes a face of disgust. She can never keep her true colours in for long.

“What’s the suitcase for? Staying with the circus until they leave? A few hundred years ago and we couldhave sold you to them.” She grins a sly grin and looks at Dad, but he doesn’t laugh. Phoenix tenses, but I squeeze his hand in comfort.

I’ve got this.

“Actually no, the circus is leaving today. And so am I.”

Silence fills the room.

Lydia opens her mouth, but then closes it. She looks like a fish the more she tries to find words. Finally, my sister is speechless.

“Renée, what do you mean? You’re joining the circus?” Dad asks.

I nod my head.

“Yes. I have found myself with the circus, Dad.” I look at him, tears filling my eyes. “I have found Phoenix. I think…Iknowthat I’m finally happy. And once I leave…I don’t know when I will be back. Maybe I won’t be.”

A tear rolls down Dad’s face which makes my stomach drop, but he rubs it away and smiles. “You know…I had an awful dream when I was napping in there, and it made me realise that you’ve had it so hard and I haven’t always been there. I think if this is what you want, you should do it. You know I love you, kid… and…” he puts his hands on his hips and looks down for a brief moment before returning his gaze to mine. “I’m sorry. You know I’m sorry, don’t you?”

I reach forward and hug him. I couldn’t have wished for a better goodbye, for my dad to tell me he loves me. I think of what Phoenix and I spoke about upstairs. Aboutmy grandad. He was the most perfect person, but he wasn’t the only man in my life.

“You are a good man, dad. You did your best whenyouwere going through a hard time. None of it is your fault.”

Dad gulps, as if my words are words he has always wanted to hear too.

“I love you.”

I lean out and smile up at the face I am never going to see again, but I am reminded I am making the right choice. This life has never been kind to me. There’s a better one out there just waiting for me.

“What is going on?” Lydia’s voice breaks the moment. “Why are you saying goodbye like it is forever?”

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