Page 3 of Forbidden Desires

“It’s not. I don’t care about Dallas. That whole thing was a mistake I would like to forget.”

“Understandable. My offer to fill his dressing room with scorpions still stands. Or maybe tarantulas? What do you think would cause a more painful death?”

“You’re so morbid.” I laugh at my friend, loving her for trying to protect me from my last mammoth dating mistake. Who also happens to be my co-star.

“Five minutes,” comes the announcer over the speaker system.

It causes my heart to go into overdrive again. I take a deep breath and glance back at my friend for courage.

“Break a leg.” She smiles.

“You’re still joining me at the bar after the show, right?”

“Would I miss the chance to party with my bestie? Don’t think so.” She beams. She wraps her arms around me, giving me a squeeze, careful not to get too close so she doesn’t mess up my makeup or costume. “Let me fix this dress up,” she says,adjusting the ties on my costume. “Get out there and have fun tonight, give them a performance to talk about forever.” She turns me and pushes me toward the door like she thinks I might just run away now.

“Right.” Nervous butterflies dance in my stomach. I’m not sure if I have it in me tonight. I open the door to my changing room, lifting my posture, shoulders back and head held high. I try to shake off the tremble in my hands, knowing my father has a front-row seat. I just need to block him out. Block them all out, the entire audience, so I can make it through one more night.

Cassie motions for me to get a move on, knowing I’m running out of time. “See you after the show,” she calls as I disappear down the hall and take on my character. Tonight, I’m playing Satine, the sparkling diamond of the Moulin Rouge. I can do this.

Three hours later I’m dressed in a hot-pink cocktail dress with a V-neck and a hemline so short you can almost see my panties. It’s layered with sparkly beading that makes it look like rows of tassels. Strappy gold heels complete the look. Cassie has on a gold mini dress that shimmers all over and looks amazing with her auburn hair.

Our company has taken over the private function room of The Star, a club just up the road from our theater, and the directors have ordered champagne for all to celebrate the success of our show. Closing night is normally bittersweet, knowing the crew that have become like family are all going to move on with their lives, off to something new. But tonight, I just want out. I’mstanding with down at the far end of the room, trying to avoid the drama with the rest of the crew, sipping my champagne.

“Do you ever feel like you’re not living the life you were born to?” I utter, almost breathless. I still don’t feel right after what happened to me in my dressing room earlier. It’s the strangest feeling, like I’m ill, but I know I’m not.

“Not anymore. But sure, there was a time when I didn’t feel right in my own skin because I wasn’t doing what I wanted with my life.” She looks at me with concern in her eyes. “What’s wrong, you don’t enjoy being the company’s superstar?”

I’ve never admitted my real feelings out loud, too afraid of how others would react, or maybe I’m just scared that once I say the words swirling around in my head, they will become real, and I won’t be able to pretend that I’m happy with this life anymore.

I swallow hard, trying to work out my thoughts, knowing how crazy this is going to sound to her. Cassie didn’t have my luck, and she went through hell to land her dream job here. I feel selfish saying what I’m thinking out loud to her, but I don’t have anyone else I can confide in, and this feeling is starting to eat away at me. I need to talk to someone. “I didn’t grow up dreaming of being a superstar. Fame and the limelight were never important to me. I just wanted to be a regular kid. This is my father’s dream for me.”

“I’m sorry, Gigi, I had no idea the inner turmoil you were going through. You always seemed so content, I just assumed you were.” Since she arrived in New York a year ago, she has been an absolute lifesaver to me. But until now, I couldn’t really show her who I was, not who Ireallyam.

“I’m good at putting a smile on my face and acting like everything is peachy. I’ve been doing it for as long as I could talk. I thought I could keep pretending and eventually I would fit into this life like I was born to. But that empty feeling I have in the pit of my stomach is getting worse. And tonight, it’s actually startingto choke the breath right out of me. I want to run away and never look back,” I admit, surprising even myself at how determined I sound.

She assesses me like I might have just lost my mind. And maybe I have, but even saying the words makes them so much truer, and I know I can’t stay here and keep pretending. “Well, I’m going to miss you like crazy, but I think you already know what you need to do. You’re done with this show. What better time to seek out a change?”

I stare back at her, letting her words really sink in.Seek out a change. “You really think I could?” Suddenly I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. “My father would kill me.”

She takes hold of my shoulders, looking me right in the eye. Cassie is one of those striking girls you can’t believe are real when you first meet them. She has piercing green eyes that contain wisdom beyond her years. They meet mine, and I feel the power behind her intense expression. “If your body is telling you something’s not right, you need to listen. What I saw in that dressing room tonight wasn’t a girl who was happy with her life. That was a panic attack. I know because I used to get them. Take a season off, travel, or just go someplace different and try something completely new and see how it fits. As much as you love your dad, this isn’t about him.”

She obviously doesn’t know my dad all that well.Everythingis about him. If I leave, he will take it personally. But she’s right, I’m a big girl. I think it’s finally time I stood up to him. I bite my lip, unable to stop the genuine smile that’s trying to escape at the idea of all of this. The idea that the possibilities for my life could be completely endless. Could I really do it? Walk away from my safety net and the life I have always known and try something different?

Dallas walks past us with two of the core dance crew, his arm draped over both of them, lapping up the attention he gets forbeing a straight male in this industry. His gaze drops down my body, and he winks at me like the pig he is. I cringe and quickly move my line of sight back to Cassie. I’m not going to show him how much he gets to me anymore, he’s not worth it.

Now that the show is finished, I don’t have to pretend to tolerate Dallas anymore. It’s my own fault really, I should have known better than to ever get involved with him in the first place. Workplace relationships are never a good idea, and even Cassie warned me he was a major player. I should have listened to her; I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. But with all the rehearsal time we spent together, he won me over with his charm, and naively, I thought he would change for me because I was worth it. But last week, when I walked into his changeroom to find him with Etta O’Donnell, I knew just how wrong I was. I’m sure it was her way of getting back at me for landing the role she expected to get; she has been nasty to me since the cast list was posted. But I honestly never expected to find her on her knees sucking his cock. The worst part was he didn’t even stop when he noticed me. Instead, he grabbed the back of her head and smirked at me as he filled her mouth with his release. Disgusting. That was it for me. I stormed from the room and have only spoken to him in character on the stage since.

Cassie looks at me a little more seriously; she must have seen the wink. “You’re not leaving because of Dallas, are you?” she asks, her voice full of concern, and I see the pity in her features.

My heart sinks, hoping she’s not right. “No. But honestly, could I really do another show with him as the male lead and me as the female? There’s no way, Cassie. This company—actually, scrap that, thiscityisn’t big enough for the two of us,” I whisper.

“It’s New York! It couldn’t get any bigger.” She laughs. “He’s an immature pig, Gigi, don’t let him get to you.” She glares daggers in his direction, and I know if I had let her, she would have gone postal on him, but I’m a lover, not a fighter. I preferto just walk away from bad situations and carry on with my life. He knows what he did, and I’m sure karma will sort him out eventually.

One of the other company members, Sarah, tops up our drinks. “You were amazing tonight, Gigi,” she gushes.

“Thanks, sweetie.” I smile at her. She’s a talented girl a few years younger than me and will make an exceptional lead herself if she keeps up the hard work. It does make me feel like a jerk for even contemplating leaving all this, but I have been performing on stages like this one since I was twelve and I had my first big role in Annie. I can’t do it forever when my heart’s not in it.

Cassie picks up her flute, taking a sip, then places it back on the table, looking me over as if trying to read my mind.

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